My Inner Turmoil Broke My Marriage

The breeze outside our patio embraced us with its warmth and all the stars were all aligned and shining brightly. It was so beautiful, we were captivated.

"Baby, Do you believe in Angels?" I gushed. 

"Yes, I do." Jam replied, while eyes locked up onto the sky.

Curiosity flourished, I asked again "Why?"

"Because, I'm living with one."

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Time flew swiftly, It feels like it was only yesterday that I moved timidly and anxiously here in my momentary, impermanent beautiful home, which I call it "My transitory Retreat Home." 

It was the sanctuary that took me in and comforted me when I was on the verge of the darkest stage of my soul.  It became a healing place for myself. It's on top of the building, placed on the breathtaking view on front of vicinity where you can see wide parking lot and sight directly to heavens and luscious and greenery trees that colors it under. A home that I've always yearned to have of my own and God of the Universe granted me one to experience. 

                                                                              

More than a year had passed, vivid recollections of memories moistened, remembering the predicament like it just happened. I was a total wrecked, I felt like a worn out wounded soldier that just got out of a war, trying to stand up but couldn't for my mental, emotional and physical execution that I gave myself within my marriage, deluded my being. I felt depleted, that all I wanted to grab was a drop of water to sustain myself. I was shattered and dismantled for my soul within me were irrepressible that caused me a lot of confusion and heartaches.

My eyes were swelling and about to pop out from crying. I didn't have so much energy to collect myself at that moment. The thought of "Goodbye" was so hard to endure. I already walked out to our marriage Four years ago but God was playing hide and seek on me. He made me go through it that almost shook my soul to collapse. 

I was bind to the idea that my Husband was the perfect match for me, that I couldn't find anyone like him. I was snuggled by that same idea that without him, I wouldn't function as a whole and I got absorbed into the feeling that the turmoil of our marriage was my fault. My kind nature misled me to believe that I am a horrible woman and a selfish wife. I didn't understand why. All I understood was, I hurt my husband beyond imaginable and what pained me more was, I couldn't control myself, I was like a bereaved vampire in the night and sucking his blood was keeping me alive and I got stuck into it. 

I brewed coffee for us that last morning, the usual thing I do before He goes to work, but my hands were shaking and weak. I lack sleep, I have not been sleeping properly since I could remember. I had been going through depression and had been lost of "I didn't know where." For my soul has been disrupted and had been wandering around on the emptiness of my being. I've carried it with me since I was born and it never left me. It was burning and screaming within me, the desire to get out of my solitude and misery. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream, I wanted to disappear and I wanted to die with my pain but my attachment to the only man I opened my heart with had generated to compel what I wanted to do; to get out so I can stop hurting him. Yet, I was embedded. 

The cruelest thing was the outside forces of our marriage ruined me more. How can God put my soul to such horrendous experience. I thought to myself that time "Just let me die God". My kind loving nature couldn't take it anymore for facing the beast in me was too much to take upon myself. I am no Angel, the Angel that Jam had seen in me lacerated him. 

                                                                              

I prayed intently to God to make it stop. All I wanted to do was simple. Be normal; Be a great wife to my husband and be a wonderful mother perhaps when I'll be blessed with adorable kids. How can He not give it to me? Why do I need to go through this? I thought desperately. 

Detaching myself was like peeling my entire skin.

I stopped myself, wiped my tears. I didn't feel like making coffee, what's the use? I am leaving and smelling the scent of coffee was making me grieve more. But I continued it anyway. In a few minutes, my life as a wife would come to an end, so might as well, make one. 

I examined my stuffs that I would bring with me. It was just all my clothes, I didn't want to take anything away from him. I just want to take my clothes and myself. I'd prepared his stuff before I left and organized it on how a Bachelor man lives. As much as I wanted my freedom. I knew, He needed it too more than I do. 

It may not be visible in the eyes to see, but I had known my husband soul more than He knows himself. He doesn't need me. He thought, He needed me, that was why, He fought for me until He lost his own senses.  The fear of losing me plummeted his own soul. He battled to anybody that come across my way, fearing that they would take me away from him. He thought  by doing it would save me from my own misery. He set aside everything including his own pride, forgot himself, and crashed his own ego, because He thought that without me, his life would crumbled for his life was me, but little did He know, with me in it, I was poisoning his life. We were damaging both of our lives. We were too addicted to each other's comfort that we could no longer develop as an individual and grow. 

We were like Bears in the cave, cuddled up and hibernating on the cold and find comfort embracing darkness. We didn't want to go out for our warmth for each other was keeping us survive. We were scared to go out from it because we thought that being in cave will keep us safe. We corralled ourselves from the light of life outside because we thought that being committed to each other was enough to live. 

However, my curiosity didn't keep me still inside. I was fidgety. The desire to get out was overbearing. I felt restless and uneasy. The darkness in it, was exterminating me.  It was so hard to breathe. I felt like I was in the gas torture chamber. It was destroying my carefree spirit. I needed the light outside. I needed fresh of breath air or else I was going to die inside. I didn't know myself anymore, I couldn't find my own light, I had given all of it to Jam, more than what I had, I felt so empty. As much I wanted my world with him; the comfort and the security of its love in it, fact-of-a-matter that cave  with him was not my world.

The outside world was calling my name. Its intensity was getting louder and louder until I couldn't bear it any longer that I  felt the need to delve into it and seek the voice and find the answers of what was it all about and why, So it will stop haunting me.  

Desolately, I needed to leave the cave that used to be my shelter. It was so hard to swallow and accept but I needed to give it back to the universe for I have a purpose to fulfill. Unfortunately, both of us has to accept our fate, both of us has to suffer, we need to, considering that  its the only way for us to clasp our own destiny. We need to be sick and be broken, so we can open our eyes and our heart to transformation. 

I looked around my home with him for the last few minutes, that few minutes felt like I had been scanning it forever.  I then thought, "This home had witnessed the turmoil and happiness at the same time, it had seen the joy and grief and it had seen my husband's sorrow and had seen my misery too. This home had seen the worst part of me as a woman and as a wife.  Our home felt our woes, heartaches, resentments, the rage, and the anger. Yet, it also felt sad that I am leaving, because the walls also witnessed joy, giggles, laughter, security, friendship, love and comfort. 

(Sorry I have to cry. Just totally recalled everything)

I may be the worst woman and wife in the entire world, but I brought sunshine too in our home despite of my shortcomings. I was a wonderful wife, tried all my best to nurture our home, I took care of him more than I care about myself. But I didn't have enough to give anymore, I starved myself, I had given what I didn't have. I fed him more than I fed myself, I felt drained like a stale flower and I felt that I needed to get out to water and fill myself  so I can nourish my soul properly. I need to leave for I couldn't hold up the pain that I was inflicting to myself and worst to him. The dispute of anguish within me ruined my marriage.  It ruined me, it ruined him, it ruined us. I needed to look for my soul, my own soul needed me, I need to look for its meaning, if not, I would hurt myself extensively.

I heard the door opened from our bedroom. There was loneliness in the air. I asked him to have coffee with me, He took  a sip of it without looking at me and asked me If I needed help to carry my stuff to my car before He goes to work. I said "I do." We both felt the sadness, In spite of,  we were acting strong and accepting. 


After He put my last baggage in my car. He still didn't have his emotions on his face, but I felt his pain, but didn't want to show it to me. He had enough of it,  But I cried, I couldn't hold it.  "Babyyyy......"

He playfully tapped my nose. "Stop crying!! You look ugly when you cry! Be strong!!"

"I'm scared!!"

"Don't be scared! Trust God!"

"Do you think I'll be okay?"

"Baby, You'll be okay. God will be with you."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Don't worry about me, God will not leave me alone."

He then, grabbed my head and kissed my forehead. 

" I love you. You're free now. I hope you'll find your heart desires."

"You can make it. You are a strong woman!"

He then went to his car still with no emotions, and drove away from where I stood. From afar, I then took my last strength to drive away. 

I finally gained my independence from that morning. The freedom that I ached for, that it took me so long to form a strength to get.  It felt like, I got out from the chaos of a heavy traffic, and when given a cleared road, It also gave me a crystal of breath that I drove freely away from it. It did felt great! I never felt so free until that day. 

Although, It was the most painful goodbye I ever had to say. A goodbye that my soul didn't want but needed. Maturity leaps to places that needs your utmost bravery for growth is pain in the ass. Without it is an end of you. Attaining growth is a never ending struggle, you get twisted from inside out, and you're never the same again for growth is a compass of awakening yourself to love above and beyond farther away from your ego and it also governs to destroy the old you, and undo you, to make the best of who you are in this lifetime.

I then, walked into my new beautiful home. I saw heavens from where I am at, it was exact place where I wanted to be. For among my lost, I gained a home for myself to rescue me of my heartbreak.

Howbeit, at that moment, I stepped in, I couldn't feel anything. I got so numb of the pain and felt really scared.  Living a new life that I have no idea how to live with, was really terrifying. I was so used of living with Jam, so used of my security and comfort with him, that getting out of it and living on my own, totally caused me a lot of anxieties and had worn me down. 

However,  I remembered the night before I left home. The prayers we shared. 

The prayers of wisdom and strength. 

I was on bed with Jam and we knew that was going to be our last night as a Married Couple. We felt our pain in the silence of the night,We didn't know what to say to each other. I grabbed his left hand from my right side of hand, and He held it so tightly. 

I then whispered into his ears. "Let's pray"

"God. By tomorrow, We are going on our separate ways. I ask one thing. Please, walk with us as we are going through this separation. I know, its never going to be easy, along the way, we are going to be like a rubber bands, pulling in and out still in our lives, not knowing when to really let go, for the attachments and the fear of letting go would still be plaguing us, day in and day out. In fact, This isn't over yet for there would still be pain along the way, but please don't let hatred control over our lives. Let our anguish be light, even if it would be too much to handle when face with. I hope we can withstand it and fight for it.

We are abiding you through what you asked from us, even if, giving up this relationship that you yourself had lovingly formed. Give us peace as we are walking on our individual journey, your graces be upon us.  I have a big cracked on my head God, and a wound in my soul and a lost one, and I don't have any answers to all of my questions as of right now for you have those answers. And those answers will only be given to me as time will pass us by.

When the daylight comes by tomorrow, my journey on my own would begin. I have my strength enough for me to step out, and enough for my husband to accept. I know the rest would be from yours. God, If you are here listening with us. I don't intend to ask too much from me, but please take care of him, as much as you will take care of me. 

We trust on your will and we follow on those, for you know the bigger picture than our eyes can see. It hurt letting go of something that is so hard to let go of and what excruciating me is  I'm the one who is causing it to happen, but I refused to drag my husband to the darkness I am in, I am not going to allow him anymore to endure being inflicted by me. I need to go for I know you are calling me, and He needs to listen for you are going to stay with him. 

Whatever path you will lead us from this day on, I will take it as how it is. As for my husband, please be with him at all time specially when He is by himself, alone, angry and hurt, which I know you will. Please make us understand that whatever is lost, that we'll definitely gain something great out of it, not on the external part, but inwardly. 

I don't have anything to say anymore, I'm so tired, for all I can hear is the sorrow of our soul."

Jam squeezed my hand and said this prayer:

"God, Please listen to my wife's prayer".

I had gone away for more than a year now. Given, Jam and I are still invisible yet visible to each other for we can't really control time of when to really say Goodbye. That is God job, not ours. Because, in true love there is no such thing as goodbye. As you evolve yourself, changes experiences, and grow with it, True love always remains. Time doesn't even exist in that space.

Goodbye is just a form of "Hey, I am letting you go so you can enjoy and experience more of life without tangled by my ego." But, what goodbye really means is that, you give that person a freedom to breath and be human. Letting that person enjoy life without its judgement and letting himself grow so He can manifest himself to be Who He really is as an individual."

In relationships, When someone say goodbye to us out of their own misery, we tend to beat that person. We chop  them down until they get drown, because we never really love them. We thought we did, but all along without knowing, out of our ignorance, it was all our ego who said "I love you". It was never real because We never understood why their actions and behaviors caused us pain that we become hateful towards them and that it's where our Agony comes from.  True love, accepted that you are hurt but still genuinely embraces that person, blesses him, and move farther away so He can breathe and can be able to enjoy his existence with his imperfection. 

By God's graces, the care we have for each other have never gone astray. It wasn't an easy road but we both had endured and survived being alone, out of each other lives. After all, we had grown to appreciate and enjoy our life being on our own. Jam was able to shine more and able to face himself realizing his greatness without my shadow. His thoughts before of maybe not able to survive without my presence vanished in the thin air that He can now tell me on my face. 

"If we ever have the chance to go back to each other's lives, I would never love you anymore, like I used to love you."

It brought beautiful smile on my face for I know in that instant He finally able to learn how to love himself. He found boundaries. 

Saying goodbye is really crucial. It is one of the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone's life, that all we wanted to do is die with it and be forgotten. But I have learned that it may be the cruelest thing in the world but it is actually the best thing that could ever happen to those brave individuals, who has the courage to step out, because it gives us absolute access to open our lives to the world and its new beginnings,  to have a more fulfilling life, as well as gives enhancement for ourselves to evolve more into our existence. 

As for myself, I have loosen up and gone through an adventures that made me know myself more. I never held myself back anymore from anything that could happen. I opened myself to the universe without any judgement. I embraced my fear and became fearless. 

After that day I left, I gained the one thing that was most important to me; I regained back my power as a woman. I didn't know I could do it, but I did it. I had given up my comfort and security. I left naked. I was so cold and afraid.  Yet, God clothed me his veil of protection.  He becomes my refuge and I was covered upon his graces. He had safeguard me from any harm that could fall upon me. I was followed by Angels. Trust me it wasn't an easy road. I lost bucket of tears, I even lost my soul. But, because of the covenant He bestowed on me. I was delivered by his salvation.

                                                           

I always hears his voice whenever I'm weeping.

"My child, My child, My precious Child. I am here."

"I can only comfort you through my holy spirit, for you need to go through this. You will understand me when the time comes for this pain is essential for your soul for I would need you. I would need your heart and your beautiful spirit, for you my child is my precious Angel. But, Don't be weary for even in the midst of your trouble. The Angel that I assigned for you will always come rescue you for my graces will always follow you."

God used my deficiency and the crack in my head, so He can heal me with his unconditional love. God took me away from my marriage, so He can walk alone with me. For within my isolation, I had formed a wonderful relationship with God. He taught me what unconditional love and imparted me knowledge of how to use it in reality. Being on my own, I've realized my purpose and I needed to be alone to fulfill it. I had to detach from my own physical being, so I can render the will of God. I had to unplanned my life and let God plan it, and in doing so, I had to forget half of my own existence so I can find the missing half of it to become whole again.

If I didn't overcome my fear and stayed in the comfort of my marriage. I wouldn't be sculpted as a woman I am right now. A woman who is now capable to love beyond any boundaries, and a woman who now able to love this world, this life and humanity as how it is. God molded me to be a well grounded, balanced and a centered woman. I'm finally able to accept and embrace that I am a flawed creature and will always be and that not everything in life has to be perfect, for my imperfection made me perfect and my mess became a message. 

Being alone, I was able to open my life to life. I was able to touch lives, I become my own healer and I became a blessing to some, and some became my blessings. The beautiful light of my spirit outshine the worst part of my being. 

Without any doubt, Jam will always loves me no matter how life would turn out for us, for his love is the reflection of God's love for me. Love that overlooks failings and a love that only see the goodness of a soul in a flawed body. Although, that love will be a different kind of love now, because Jam have finally learned what true love really is. The moment He had set me free, I knew from there, He had truly love me in beyond.

                                                           

I was missing my rebellious soul,  I was desperately searching for her, I thought I lost her, but, all along, my soul has been waiting for me right on the edge of the peak of the mountain. She shouted at me, "You brave girl! You made it!! You found me!!" Our joy was immensely felt. 
                                                           
                                                                        

Excitement overflowed, for my soul wanted me to unravel the beauty of the world with its impurities, and now that we found each other and became one, I feel complete, mightier and stronger. I can now able to conquer the world for I know my soul will lead me to the people who will assist and help me manifest the will of God and accomplish it while I am still breathing. I had been enlightened by God, and I see the world like a beautiful abstract painting. I don't need to touch it, all I need is to enjoy the mystery behind it and believed on my enormous faith that the painter who created it, painted it with so much love.