I Met An Angel, and He is my Brother.

As a sister of a good Samaritan brother, I feel overwhelmed by all the kindness and support of the people who He have touched. His act has served an inspiration to all teachers, not just all the teachers but to all kind of profession to serve humanity at its best. Students were touched as well by his kindness and felt motivated to do the same deeds as well. In all honesty, I felt very emotional to this graces and to the power of love that have been poured out to him especially to the act of his service. As his "Ate", I feel the joy that his good deeds have been recognized.

So as his Ate too, I can tell you a little about him that I want to share. Although I wanted to expose his total goodness, however, I'll choose not to say too much just to give respect to the privacy of my brother.

My little brother as I always call him, He has been doing this since we were little children. He has always been very close to street kids and homeless. It's natural to him, it's not even an effort, his love for them is so huge that even myself is amazed.

My parents wanted him to be a nurse. Oh well, our parents wanted us to be nurses. Well, because we're poor. So being a nurse if graduated and find a job from it, is the only hope my parents had to give us better lives for ourselves.

Well, I failed to be a nurse, because I knew that being a nurse is not my calling. I'm too sensitive to be in the hospital; I couldn't do it. Being around with patients drains my energy. I could feel their being and pains, I'm too weak for it. I cried for them and as a nurse if I would become one, being soft and wimpy is not acceptable, because nurse should be emotionally and mentally stable. I then realized those moments of weaknesses at school that hospital world is totally not my world. So no wonder, I failed in that endeavor. It was good for me but not for my parents.

My parents next target was my brother next to me whose Ken's older brother. Ken is our youngest brother by the way. However, my parents failed to convince him because Rap wanted to be a Police Officer. Not a nurse because according to him He wants to protect poor helpless people like ourselves for injustice, always his dream.

So since Ken is our youngest, the last hope was him. He thought about nursing essential benefits He can have if finished. But at the end, He listened to his heart and followed what He is called to do. And that is to be a teacher, for teaching is a joy to him, He wanted to teach kids whose helpless and unable to go to school.

Ken, didn't start college right away, He had to wait two years. The main reason was He wanted me and his older brother to finish our degree first since our parents couldn't afford the three of us together in college. He sacrificed those years for us, that, by the way, broke my heart.  Ken has always been kind and gentle. He never wanted us to feel sorry for him, so He tried to comfort us by saying  "It's okay. Don't worry, the school never run."

But sometimes, I would see Ken sad, and I couldn't take it and I would get so emotional about it and cry. He never likes when I cry so instead of me comforting him; He ended up comforting me.That is how sensitive my brother. He always put us first more than himself, his love is so selfless.

I promised him during those times that once I'll finish college, I'll take him to the University that He wanted to study, and I told him "Ken, it's okay. God has a plan for you; that is why He is delaying your school. Let's try not to be sad, One day, You'll see the fruit of your labor. One day, at that right time, Heaven will shine on you. We just need to be patient and endure the pain for now."

You know, God had been so good, as I told you, we are poor, Our father provided and fed us through driving a taxi, our mother, is a housekeeper. However, God made a way for me to come here in America in an unexpected way. I couldn't believe it! It was a miracle that I was able to fly here. Apparently, failing my nursing degree made a way for me to shift to Bachelor of Tourism that enable me to get an opportunity to come here in America. Ken was my prayer companion during the process of my papers; we would often go to the Eucharist Chapel at the St. Augustine Cathedral to pray, and God answered our prayers! I made it to America!!!

Before I left Cagayan De Oro, I promised Ken to take him to Xavier University. Since that was his dream school, He'd always wanted to study in that prestigious University but didn't voice it out because Ken knew that our parents couldn't afford the tuition fee. However, through the grace of God, I was able to enroll Ken to Xavier!!!

Living in America is not always a happy and carefree life, I had rough and challenging stages, that forced Ken to get a student job at Xavier. His journey to college was not easy before He got his diploma, it was quite a painful one and very challenging financially. However, in those trying times, Ken never give up and loses his hopes. Even though, his college years were prolong to more extra years to finish but He kept on moving forward, without getting affected by his circumstances. In those hardships in school, God was behind my brother's back. Some kind people shared their goodness to my brother, helping him to some of his school expenses and tuition when I couldn't send any. I may not know some of them, but I am forever grateful for they have helped him reach his dreams.

Ken's goal in life is just so simple, to teach the street kids who can't afford school. They are one of the reasons why He never give up for He wanted to serve them. Money for him is not so much of importance, maybe, because we got used to being poor. So it's not a big deal if He have it or not because whenever He have money is his hands, He gave it away to homeless people, sharing them whatever little He have.

Well, I've always been the princess of my brothers without the crown like what Ken and Rap would tease me because my mentality differs to my brothers for my dreams are big. I came here in America painstakingly because of those dreams, well I never really dream of coming here in America, it just happened miraculously, but I've worked so hard to get where I am now. So even myself is impressed by the humility of my brother. Well to my brothers. They are so kind and generous; I feel like If they have wings, I have a tail. My brothers are so humble, unpretentious and very content with what they have, even without nothing in their hands, they have joy in them. Whenever they do good deeds that I've witnessed so many times, Rap and Ken are silent. They are uncomfortable with attention. (I can't help sharing my other brother, it just that its hard to only speak to one because I grew up with them both)

On the other end, I guess there is a divine reason for why I was born to become a writer and flew me to America. I'm the curious one in my family. I love to explore life, and I speak my mind, I speak my heart. I'm a rebel, and I have always been like that and I don't apologize for it. My parents can't control my stubbornness neither my siblings. I've always been the person who loves to follow one's heart. I don't like obeying rules, especially rules that don't feel right to me, totally opposite to my brothers. If they are obedient, humble and meek, I am not. I can follow to some degree. When they can't speak, I'm their voice. I guess God needed a writer in the family to share God's message.

Look, I've I always believe in the power of a soul's voice, your voice. I always think that God planted a seed to each one of us to inspire people, to be a good example. Honestly, Ken has been uncomfortable with the attention for his intention is pure. He felt like media is not necessary for exposure. Our goodness doesn't need to flaunt according to him. But as a person who journeyed spirituality, traveled and had seen life outside of my home. I totally objected on his reasons! I feel sorry for disagreeing with him of his principles in life. I am not saying He is wrong; I am not saying He is right either for I called his reasons as his authentic truth. However, I can't be silent about it because I'm a writer.

I have been working on a book that contains the life of the Angels in this world that human kinds are unaware. I can smell an Angel scent even from far away and can recognize them even before they speak. Once confirmed; I always encouraged them to get up and never give up and to be mighty in dealing life's challenges or else they'll fade away like a speck of dust.

Angels in this world are the weakest and have the worst suffering to endure but once overcome, their power can help heal the world. Angels are messengers and as a sister who lives with an angel, who shares my blood, do you think I can keep myself in silence? No.

I want my brother to share his message. God had given him the candle to light up a room. Sadly to say, my brother felt overwhelmed with all the attention for all of these came to him by surprise, that it clouded his clarity to share the word of God through his example.

I want to shake his body until it reaches to his soul this word "SPEAK!!! Do not be afraid! For being humble is no more humbling when you refused your story to the people who need it."  The sadness I felt is tremendous when He unconsciously denies the stage that God had prepared for him. I prayed to God out of my desperation "Oh God, give him more clarity for He is just afraid. Let the holy spirit guide him when his judgment is unclear for the children needs his voice! Help him God."

I don't have humility, but I do not care for I want my brother to share his story because humanity needs his example. I want him to use the "15 minutes of fame" wisely to influenced as many people to do the same deed. So Teachers around the world can serve uneducated children even for free because we all can do it. Using our gifts and skills in our chosen profession are a light in the dark. We all have pure kind hearts in planted within us by our God. Nothing is ever impossible to reach out to the hands of the people who needs it. For God have called us to minister his good will to each one of us. God have called us to matter to each other. God have called us to heal one another, and God have called us to be a messenger of God's glory.

My brother didn't just teach those kids academics. My brother ministered to them as well of the work of God. My brother showed the kids kindness, humility, perseverance, patience, endurance, compassion, and sincerity. He made those kids felt LOVE. He built relationships with them over the years, guiding them and teaching them to love and help one another. He accepted them for who they are with their scratches and burn. They are his family, some of those kids lack attention, maybe barely get a hug. My brother gave it to them selflessly. In the end, it's not the money or materials, it's what you can give them that money can't buy, and that is your soul.

I can't decide for my brother's decision in life, but I left him this message to decide "When the world opens up, and you see God smiling at you, smile back and receive all the blessings from heaven for your blessings will be a blessing to the person near you, and it will ripple to not just one but to many! So take it!! It's all yours!"

God bless you all!! May the story of my brother will somehow touch your hearts and follow his deeds. I think the biggest thing that you can help my brother is you doing your good deeds to the person next to you, or to any person you will encounter. If my brother did it, you could do it too! Let's ripple all the Love we all have!!!

Thank You Cath Bagayna for this:

I always see this guy teaching less fortunate children at Divisoria. I find it so striking, unfitting -- ridiculous even, that a lone boy in his baseball cap, clean shirt and decent jeans, to actually sit on the floor with dirty, sometimes, rowdy street children without having to worry about safety and health. Rain or shine he is there, unmindful of the possibility that he might get sick. He reads them books like a big brother does -- teaching them A B Cs and colors too. I know it is rude to stare at other people's business but I did - can't help it! Until one day I finally had the courage to ask him questions.

I found out that he's a graduate of Xavier University BS in Education. Right now he doesnt have a job. He finds it very fulfilling to teach street children. He gets some of his books, crayons and other school supplies from donors and sometimes from his own pocket. And the best part is? He does it for FREE and he is, in no way, related to any organization. And just like that, my faith in humanity is a notch higher than it used to.

I asked him what he still needs. He says additional school supplies will do just fine and first-aid kit as well since some children would get wounded and could not afford to buy even a Betadine or band-aid.

I took his contact number and promised to donate goods that I could afford.

May God bless him well. May he continue to share his talent to those who need it most. You will go places, kid.

Update: He just got a job 2 days ago. He is now a teacher at XU.

Your Pain Gives Me Healing

The rain outside from my window under the cold gloomy weather wanted to share its empathy with my sorrow. We seem to share the bliss of pain that was dominating our nature. Crying had been a habitual pattern for me when I wanted to restore my internal being. To stop mourning of the affliction of my heart wasn't an option for me that night. Instead, I turned off all my lights in my bedroom and softly tucked myself to the comfort of my bed. Crying on myself alone have always been an immense joy for me, and it's the best remedy of my heartache I could think of.

However, my phone kept ringing, I didn't have the strength to answer it, I just kept it ringing until I couldn't take the noise anymore.

"Sheila, Can you come over? I need you." I could hear my friend's voice breaking and sobbing on the other line.

"Uhm...Okay. Give me few minutes." At that moment, I had to forget my pain.

When I arrived at her place, She hugged me right away when she saw me, there was a remnant trace of agony on her face, swollen eyes, red nose, disheveled hair.  I could tell at that dusky night that she had been crying for an amount of time.

"Sheila, What is wrong with me?" She cried in vain and continued, "He dissipated out of nowhere, I thought we had a good time together, I thought we were deeply connected. I thought that I was special to him. I thought He love me! I thought I was his queen, his universe, his world! That asshole made me feel so damn special!!! And I believe it! I fucking believe it!!! But all of a sudden, He disappeared! Gave me all these reasons and excuses that I couldn't comprehend. What the f*ck Sheila!? He never had given our relationship a chance! He never gives me a chance!!" Her tears didn't matter to her at that moment of pain and desperation. She cried like there was no tomorrow. I felt her anger, but I couldn't say a word for I also felt her pain. I held her hand and hugged her.

"There is nothing wrong with you." I heard my voice, "In this world, you'll meet a lot of people who can hurt you, everyone is capable of doing it. I can hurt someone, you can hurt someone, there is no excuse. It's an illness we have that we can't just throw it away, we all hurt each other whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. It's a fact of life."

"Maybe, I did something that made him run away from me; Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. Sheila.......Why??? Why did He just leave me like that? Maybe I didn't please him!" hysterical by what brought to her thoughts.

"Stop! You are not. There is nothing wrong with you, and I know that man would agree with me. You are a wonderful woman, a perfect being in your imperfection. He left not because of you. He faded away maybe because his fears consumed him. We never know that man's burden. Maybe He couldn't handle a real woman at this time of his life. Maybe He is going through rough times that no one knows. Maybe He runs away because He couldn't afford to hurt you because maybe the love you can offer overwhelmed him for He only has an insufficient love for himself. Or Maybe  He realized that you are not the one for him. Sometimes, people run away not because of who you are; people run away because of their issues and fears. Or maybe the timing is just not right for both of you. Or maybe He was just a passerby in your life to teach you more about yourself."

I took a deep breath and continued.....

"Trust me, I know what I am talking about because I was once that kind of person. I kept wanting men who were like myself, who is emotionally unavailable and couldn't offer real love and I keep running away from men who offered me their hearts and genuine love. I was a walking zombie myself. Good men scare the hell out of me. I couldn't afford to hurt exceptional men. I didn't know what I want. I couldn't figure myself out, So because I couldn't figure myself out. I disappear, not because they were not good enough, but because I couldn't handle them. I was too broken to connect with them. It scared me, so I run away."

"Then why did He poured his soul to me??? If He only meant to leave me!!" Anger visibly formed on her face.

"Because, maybe, He needed someone who can fill his void, his insecurities, his emptiness and loneliness at that moment. You met him after the crisis of his love affair. You were the perfect person to occupy it. A perfect escape. A lot of times when we go through tough times especially when we are heartbroken we have these tremendous fear of facing the grief of our emotions. We run away from it especially feelings that suffocate us with pain that feels icky and tormenting. When we feel negative emotions, we look at it as a very uncomfortable feeling, and we resent it, We don't want to deal with it, and we try our best to reject it. We wanted to throw our pain as far away as it gets but since its impossible to do it, we hide to anyone who is available to give us filling, a band aide, a temporary remedy. We feel an overwhelming need to be with someone for the wrong reasons and wrong intentions. We'd rather want to avoid emotions that feels like shit rather than deal with it ourselves. We intoxicated ourselves with happy feelings to cover our misery. So when someone appears at that perfect moment that is not even the one you needed, we cling to them thinking that they can save us. The fact is; They can't, but we still crave for them to fill our hunger for attention, love and comfort that we don't know how to give to ourselves.

Then we get hit by a big rock on our heads; reality smashed to our face into the core of our being. It opens our eyes that the person right in front of us is only a representation of diversion to play with at the moment of desperation. We then felt terrified and found ourselves rejecting that person in our lives and run away because we are so afraid to feel our pain. And then we could not deal with it again. We then go back again to our addiction of self-gratification to fulfill us with our illusions. We then look for a new man/woman to experience a new fantasy again, then get hurt again and run away again. Those people who are afraid to face their wounds and are afraid to be alone are going to go circles. They are dangerous to be with for they will never find themselves. Not only they are going to hurt the person that passes their way, but they will also going to cause tremendous injury into their spirits, into themselves. Consider yourself fortunate that He is no longer part of your life, this is something to be thankful. He is saving you away from his toxic for He is poisonous to be with and if you love yourself enough, you'll stay away from it.

The only cure for this euphoria is when we don't run away from our issues and fears. Embracing the vulnerability of our emotions and pain gives us healing. Holding and sticking with it despite the suffering that you are enduring gives you access to God's grace. You don't run away from it because this is your chance to give abundant love to yourself. You, my love, needs it as well. You manifest this man because He is teaching you how to give it to yourself. "

"I still don't understand. It was too good to leave me like that; I am in so much pain right now Sheila."

I heard her pain from her sobs. I hugged her more tightly, the vibrations of her body made me want to cry. But there is nothing to cry. I let her cry instead, and whispered this to her "Feel your pain, enjoy it! It is part of being alive and then you must celebrate when it's over."

Her tears took a hold on for a second, and her face showed a confusion of what I just told her and burst her anger. "Are you out of your mind? There is nothing to celebrate; He hurt me!!"

"I know you are angry."

"Yes, I am so f*ckng angry!! That motherfucker didn't even consider my feelings when He made me believe all his lies! He fooled me! He tricked me! He manipulated me!!!I am angry!!!"

"Then be enrage. Feel it. Until there is no more hate inside of you, until there are no more hateful words to say and until the pain is no longer there. Be angry because that is the only way for you to release him and don't stop until all you could feel is a mercy to yourself.. and then mercy to him. I know exactly how you feel, you feel confused, anxious, disappointed and upset. It's a natural feeling of being human especially when we feel cornered and left behind. We ask this million of the question of why's, and what's frustrating is we could never grasp the answers, and we feel desperate because we want an answer right away."

"He hurt me, Sheila......"

A sense of surrender from her voice, I held her hand lovingly, looked at her eyes emphatically, and said "I know you are feeling pain, but He never hurt you. You hurt yourself. You caused your misery. You allowed him to hurt you by judging his behavior, by judging who He is as a man and who He is to you. You conditioned him to do what you expected him to do for you. You gave him the responsibility to make you happy. Poor guy and poor you. You know why? Because that happiness that you seek from him, You are supposed to give that to yourself first before anyone can fill it in.. You are having these moments of temper tantrums because He couldn't give you what you want. You are angry because you expect that the world will give you everything including this man. And when life couldn't give you what you want, you feel injustice, and you blame this man for making you suffer.

When He chose to leave you, it was not his job to explain why. Whether He wants to explain himself or not, it's his right, it's his freedom, your job is only to understand and accept the neglect. What you can only do is make room for more love in your heart so you can give it to yourself and him because through that love you will be both healed. By any means, you are not entitled to denounce him. You need to understand that He is his self, and He can do whatever He wants to do in his life. He is not responsible for your pain; You are Honey. If you make him responsible for your life, then you should take the time to look at your wounds. Get to know yourself more and fix what needs fixing for yourself so you can heal yourself. Healing yourself is giving love to yourself. Loving someone is selfless. No matter how painful you are feeling right now, If you care about this man and care about yourself, You are going to let him go. You don't ask why and You don't criticize nor condemn him. You bless him instead and let him go to where his journey will take him. Love is backbreaker and heartbreaking, but Love endures. Love accepts, and Love understands because Love is freedom and when you found that Love, it frees you. You become whole. It's only in Freedom that you can give space to healing. It's only in freedom that you can give space to find yourself. If you give that man his freedom with all the love you've got, then it's a gift to help him find his way."

That night, I let her cry until she fell asleep. As for my part, it was so ironic how God had comfort me of my grief. I held my pain so someone can cry. I listened so someone can release their grief. I speak so I can hear my words of sustenance. That night,  I finally have clarity of my understanding that I love myself. The experience that night opened my awareness of how big my heart is, that even pain through the external world is welcomed and unconditionally loved by me. Broken souls will draw towards me. However, I'm ready to embrace them with all the love I have because my grace and strength are no longer from me, but from God.

44 Fallen Angels

                                                             

I feel deeply affected by the tragic deaths of the 44 members of the Philippine National Police - Special Action Force (PNP-SAF) who were killed in a deadly clash with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) and the Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom Fighters (BIFF) in Mamasapano, Maguindanao last January 25.

When I heard about the news, my heart beat was escalating and my hands were shaking uncontrollably fearing of the thought that my brother might be one of them. Without any lapse of time I contacted my brother who is a PNP just to make sure that He is safe at home which thanked God He is safe in the comfort of his family. I feel deep sadness for the families who lost their sons, brother or father of the incident, Even though, I am not related to the family that was affected by the tragedy who is grieving right now. I grieve and I shed my tears with them. I wish I can comfort them but I don't know how for I know that their pain is beyond heartbreaking. I feel their lost, their heartaches and agonies over these 44 fallen comrades and the rest of the people who lost their lives out of this encounter. I couldn't contain my emotions about these tragic lost for I have a brother of my own who is a police as well , and the thought of him risking his life in protecting our country and its countrymen who He loves is unthinkable.  The heroic sacrifice that these heroes makes for their country men is also the sacrifice that their family has to endure. As a woman, a sister who has a police brother, I devastatingly fight with him together with his wife, his children, his parents, and his siblings. As a family, we engulf whatever the outcome on his fate.

These brave heroes, I honor, I salute and I respect them, including my brother and the police, armies, and soldiers who is alive right now for they pushed themselves and exerted all their efforts to do what they could do to protect our country. The 44 fallen Angels gave us a message that made me acknowledge the importance of the heroes in our country, they made me see the value of their existence. They are our heroes for they give their lives to secure safety for their country, defending it until their last breath, until the end. They deserve all the tribute that they need to get for I am truly grateful to them. I feel their souls from their grave relaying a message to take care of their classmates and brothers because for a long time, we never recognize nor appreciate them. Sadly to say, the 44 fallen Angels needs to die so we can appreciate their importance in our lives.

                                                       

I don't know the entire story behind the encounter between PNP and MILF, I only know few pieces of information that I gathered from the media which is the mission was called "Oplan Wolverine" to serve arrest warrants for high ranking terrorist that brutally led to the deaths of 44 members of SAF, 18 from MILF, 7 civilians and the death of Zulkifli Adbhir aka Marwan, a Malaysian who was one of the FBI most wanted terrorist that the PNP-SAF ventured into the guerilla enclave of Tukanalipao with the goal -of detaining high ranking affiliated-improvised-explosive device experts "Marwan" and "Usman". The PNP troops were then ambushed by the group of MILF militants.

Pointing of fingers have been taking place, blaming and accusation between these encounters have led people in more depth of anger, confusions and heartaches.What I only know is what I only read and heard and nothing more and less than that, so I can't judge the situation by being here in front of my computer than in the actual scene itself. The truth behind all these is only PNP and MILF who is in the battle really knows.

This I am very certain though, that these men, the PNP and MILF fought to what the situation had given to them at the moment of "in need call" to fight. The PNP who were called on their duties didn't anticipated the blown out of proportion encounter, were lacking maybe proper execution to the said "project." Unfortunately, there was a lack of communication in both counterparts. I believe that the battle encounter was not intended by either side for the target were only two terrorist men, but because of  the misperception of information in MILF defense, whose mission is to also protect their safety in their own territory, which led to that bloody massacre for both sides have duties to comply which is protection.

In my own understanding, when you are in a battle or war, there is no such thing as who win or lose, you just fight for your life. Both are enemies on each others eyes.  Whoever falls down first, you die that's it. Unfortunately, the tragedy of war makes the human being numb, it torn ones spirit, for killing an enemy is a victory, yet no one really is victorious for everyone is a victim.

As a being who is spiritually grounded, I feel deep compassion for the human beings who is in the middle of these war for the spirits who resides in their human body wants peace however, the duty of being a human being is obligated for war has been embedded in this world and into our lives. No matter how much we fight for peace, external world never works like that for our external suffering teaches our internal beings how to work on your own peace.

The 44 PNP and 18 MILF who lost their lives out of these battle makes me feel very sad for why does human beings have to go through all these? Why do these people have to fight, suffer and die out of the arrogance and ego of human nature? How can these horrible situation happens to us? We mourn and we seek justice out of our hatred and prejudices. Why?  Why do we kill and hate each other and love all over again? Why is a profound questions that we usually asks from above, yet silence is all we get.

As a human being, our ego comes with us, when our ego is not properly watered with love and kindness, it can be dangerous for this creates war and death.

This world has been manipulated by our own egos and it has been ruled by it. How can we stop it? Truth is, We can't. Our human self is limited by these universal forces. However, as much as we can't say no to our ego's, God gave us our hearts. Our hearts who has the power to ease, comfort and forgive our egos. It saves this world. It saves us.

I hope humanities in our nations, in our world, will listen to our hearts more, so war can be prevented, so death out of hatred can be reduce. We have to fight with love specially on ourselves, because the war never started anywhere, the war started within us. Let's forgives ourselves for being human so we can forgive the people around us so war won't be brought forth to our neighbors. It's the only cure to this battlefield we live in.

I am praying for the bereaved beings who lost the lives of the people they love in PNP-MILF encounter, not just to them, but for all the people in this world, who has been living with war, to find find healing for their souls, to find peace in the midst of this crisis, and to find in their hearts TO FORGIVE. I pray that Love will reign.

For the true test here, is how can we forgive the enemy? The message that lies underneath the surface of this circumstances from the heroes in our country is for you. They are the testimony of great sacrifice to teach me and you that we don't need this traumatic war to live. The people who lost their lives because of the war we all created, they are sending us a message to stop and look around, and feel our own heartbeat. We are all made to love and we are all made to hate, which one do you choose? This is the question that God wants us to answer first before we ask him why?

                                                           

My Prayer To The Man I Will Love

"God, In this ambiguity of life that often leads to confusion and conflict. Please guide my heart to the man who would give me more peace. 

I know God peace is one of the hardest parts of life to attain for I have to work so hard every second of the day to hold myself together internally to acquire it. It's like putting all my broken pieces together to make it whole again for I need to learn how to get peace so that I can give peace. As a human being, oh God it's not easy. It's like walking on a fire barefoot. However, changing myself from the inside out to the best of my ability to be the best woman I can be is something that I can give back as my appreciation to you for being present in my life. Unfortunately, Father, I cannot entirely trust myself to rely on my thoughts and feelings because I might lead myself to trouble. You see me from above, and you are the only one who can see the biggest picture of my life. So I give all my trust and faith in you to find the best man for me at the moment who could make my world a better place to live.

My judgment Oh God, I must admit, I cannot trust. In You I feel peace to know that whoever I come across from this day on, whether they are from the past, the present and the future. I believe that I manifested it because of your grandeur will for my life. 

Oh God if you happen to give that man to me. I promise I will not be a burden. Instead, I will be a vessel of your unconditional love and be his light to stray him from darkness. I will be his anchor and strength when He couldn't find his. I will try to take extra care of our relationship and nurtured it the best way I can and as long as I can. I will strive to love that man the way He should be loved without possessing him for his freedom would be my liberty. I will not change the way you have carefully formed him. Instead, I'll celebrate his presence of how you have created him to be. I will only try to see the goodness and the best of himself out from his imperfection. I will not build expectations and judgement for I will only love the raw being that He is.

I know whoever you will bring into my life whether that man would stay for a period or longer. I know it's always under your will and I can only embrace and welcome him with a grateful heart. When that man's purposed is served and I've experienced what I needed to learn for my spiritual growth. I promised that I'll let him free with a happy heart when it's time for him to go. I can only smile and thank that precious being for passing by and will bless him on his new journey with all the love I have. If, that being stays with or without me and love me until my last breath, I can only smile for I know indeed true love exist.

You know I wanted so bad to feel the feeling of being in love, to love and be loved. Life is intangible and has no guarantees so I don't mind anymore whether I would be in love with that man in a humanly way or not. As long as your will aligned my life and I have peace within and I feel complete, happy and contented of myself.  

Well if it's not too much to ask too, I pray that whoever He is, I pray that He is the man who is praying the same prayer as I do.

I am floating Oh God; you lead, and I'll follow. I am not holding my life anymore for my spirit is in your hand, blow me to the right relationship who will help me grow and blow me to your greater plan for your greater glory. I'll take everything that you will give me. I will not complain. Instead, I will be thankful."

                                                                                           

My Inner Turmoil Broke My Marriage

The breeze outside our patio embraced us with its warmth and all the stars were all aligned and shining brightly. It was so beautiful, we were captivated.

"Baby, Do you believe in Angels?" I gushed. 

"Yes, I do." Jam replied, while eyes locked up onto the sky.

Curiosity flourished, I asked again "Why?"

"Because, I'm living with one."

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Time flew swiftly, It feels like it was only yesterday that I moved timidly and anxiously here in my momentary, impermanent beautiful home, which I call it "My transitory Retreat Home." 

It was the sanctuary that took me in and comforted me when I was on the verge of the darkest stage of my soul.  It became a healing place for myself. It's on top of the building, placed on the breathtaking view on front of vicinity where you can see wide parking lot and sight directly to heavens and luscious and greenery trees that colors it under. A home that I've always yearned to have of my own and God of the Universe granted me one to experience. 

                                                                              

More than a year had passed, vivid recollections of memories moistened, remembering the predicament like it just happened. I was a total wrecked, I felt like a worn out wounded soldier that just got out of a war, trying to stand up but couldn't for my mental, emotional and physical execution that I gave myself within my marriage, deluded my being. I felt depleted, that all I wanted to grab was a drop of water to sustain myself. I was shattered and dismantled for my soul within me were irrepressible that caused me a lot of confusion and heartaches.

My eyes were swelling and about to pop out from crying. I didn't have so much energy to collect myself at that moment. The thought of "Goodbye" was so hard to endure. I already walked out to our marriage Four years ago but God was playing hide and seek on me. He made me go through it that almost shook my soul to collapse. 

I was bind to the idea that my Husband was the perfect match for me, that I couldn't find anyone like him. I was snuggled by that same idea that without him, I wouldn't function as a whole and I got absorbed into the feeling that the turmoil of our marriage was my fault. My kind nature misled me to believe that I am a horrible woman and a selfish wife. I didn't understand why. All I understood was, I hurt my husband beyond imaginable and what pained me more was, I couldn't control myself, I was like a bereaved vampire in the night and sucking his blood was keeping me alive and I got stuck into it. 

I brewed coffee for us that last morning, the usual thing I do before He goes to work, but my hands were shaking and weak. I lack sleep, I have not been sleeping properly since I could remember. I had been going through depression and had been lost of "I didn't know where." For my soul has been disrupted and had been wandering around on the emptiness of my being. I've carried it with me since I was born and it never left me. It was burning and screaming within me, the desire to get out of my solitude and misery. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream, I wanted to disappear and I wanted to die with my pain but my attachment to the only man I opened my heart with had generated to compel what I wanted to do; to get out so I can stop hurting him. Yet, I was embedded. 

The cruelest thing was the outside forces of our marriage ruined me more. How can God put my soul to such horrendous experience. I thought to myself that time "Just let me die God". My kind loving nature couldn't take it anymore for facing the beast in me was too much to take upon myself. I am no Angel, the Angel that Jam had seen in me lacerated him. 

                                                                              

I prayed intently to God to make it stop. All I wanted to do was simple. Be normal; Be a great wife to my husband and be a wonderful mother perhaps when I'll be blessed with adorable kids. How can He not give it to me? Why do I need to go through this? I thought desperately. 

Detaching myself was like peeling my entire skin.

I stopped myself, wiped my tears. I didn't feel like making coffee, what's the use? I am leaving and smelling the scent of coffee was making me grieve more. But I continued it anyway. In a few minutes, my life as a wife would come to an end, so might as well, make one. 

I examined my stuffs that I would bring with me. It was just all my clothes, I didn't want to take anything away from him. I just want to take my clothes and myself. I'd prepared his stuff before I left and organized it on how a Bachelor man lives. As much as I wanted my freedom. I knew, He needed it too more than I do. 

It may not be visible in the eyes to see, but I had known my husband soul more than He knows himself. He doesn't need me. He thought, He needed me, that was why, He fought for me until He lost his own senses.  The fear of losing me plummeted his own soul. He battled to anybody that come across my way, fearing that they would take me away from him. He thought  by doing it would save me from my own misery. He set aside everything including his own pride, forgot himself, and crashed his own ego, because He thought that without me, his life would crumbled for his life was me, but little did He know, with me in it, I was poisoning his life. We were damaging both of our lives. We were too addicted to each other's comfort that we could no longer develop as an individual and grow. 

We were like Bears in the cave, cuddled up and hibernating on the cold and find comfort embracing darkness. We didn't want to go out for our warmth for each other was keeping us survive. We were scared to go out from it because we thought that being in cave will keep us safe. We corralled ourselves from the light of life outside because we thought that being committed to each other was enough to live. 

However, my curiosity didn't keep me still inside. I was fidgety. The desire to get out was overbearing. I felt restless and uneasy. The darkness in it, was exterminating me.  It was so hard to breathe. I felt like I was in the gas torture chamber. It was destroying my carefree spirit. I needed the light outside. I needed fresh of breath air or else I was going to die inside. I didn't know myself anymore, I couldn't find my own light, I had given all of it to Jam, more than what I had, I felt so empty. As much I wanted my world with him; the comfort and the security of its love in it, fact-of-a-matter that cave  with him was not my world.

The outside world was calling my name. Its intensity was getting louder and louder until I couldn't bear it any longer that I  felt the need to delve into it and seek the voice and find the answers of what was it all about and why, So it will stop haunting me.  

Desolately, I needed to leave the cave that used to be my shelter. It was so hard to swallow and accept but I needed to give it back to the universe for I have a purpose to fulfill. Unfortunately, both of us has to accept our fate, both of us has to suffer, we need to, considering that  its the only way for us to clasp our own destiny. We need to be sick and be broken, so we can open our eyes and our heart to transformation. 

I looked around my home with him for the last few minutes, that few minutes felt like I had been scanning it forever.  I then thought, "This home had witnessed the turmoil and happiness at the same time, it had seen the joy and grief and it had seen my husband's sorrow and had seen my misery too. This home had seen the worst part of me as a woman and as a wife.  Our home felt our woes, heartaches, resentments, the rage, and the anger. Yet, it also felt sad that I am leaving, because the walls also witnessed joy, giggles, laughter, security, friendship, love and comfort. 

(Sorry I have to cry. Just totally recalled everything)

I may be the worst woman and wife in the entire world, but I brought sunshine too in our home despite of my shortcomings. I was a wonderful wife, tried all my best to nurture our home, I took care of him more than I care about myself. But I didn't have enough to give anymore, I starved myself, I had given what I didn't have. I fed him more than I fed myself, I felt drained like a stale flower and I felt that I needed to get out to water and fill myself  so I can nourish my soul properly. I need to leave for I couldn't hold up the pain that I was inflicting to myself and worst to him. The dispute of anguish within me ruined my marriage.  It ruined me, it ruined him, it ruined us. I needed to look for my soul, my own soul needed me, I need to look for its meaning, if not, I would hurt myself extensively.

I heard the door opened from our bedroom. There was loneliness in the air. I asked him to have coffee with me, He took  a sip of it without looking at me and asked me If I needed help to carry my stuff to my car before He goes to work. I said "I do." We both felt the sadness, In spite of,  we were acting strong and accepting. 


After He put my last baggage in my car. He still didn't have his emotions on his face, but I felt his pain, but didn't want to show it to me. He had enough of it,  But I cried, I couldn't hold it.  "Babyyyy......"

He playfully tapped my nose. "Stop crying!! You look ugly when you cry! Be strong!!"

"I'm scared!!"

"Don't be scared! Trust God!"

"Do you think I'll be okay?"

"Baby, You'll be okay. God will be with you."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Don't worry about me, God will not leave me alone."

He then, grabbed my head and kissed my forehead. 

" I love you. You're free now. I hope you'll find your heart desires."

"You can make it. You are a strong woman!"

He then went to his car still with no emotions, and drove away from where I stood. From afar, I then took my last strength to drive away. 

I finally gained my independence from that morning. The freedom that I ached for, that it took me so long to form a strength to get.  It felt like, I got out from the chaos of a heavy traffic, and when given a cleared road, It also gave me a crystal of breath that I drove freely away from it. It did felt great! I never felt so free until that day. 

Although, It was the most painful goodbye I ever had to say. A goodbye that my soul didn't want but needed. Maturity leaps to places that needs your utmost bravery for growth is pain in the ass. Without it is an end of you. Attaining growth is a never ending struggle, you get twisted from inside out, and you're never the same again for growth is a compass of awakening yourself to love above and beyond farther away from your ego and it also governs to destroy the old you, and undo you, to make the best of who you are in this lifetime.

I then, walked into my new beautiful home. I saw heavens from where I am at, it was exact place where I wanted to be. For among my lost, I gained a home for myself to rescue me of my heartbreak.

Howbeit, at that moment, I stepped in, I couldn't feel anything. I got so numb of the pain and felt really scared.  Living a new life that I have no idea how to live with, was really terrifying. I was so used of living with Jam, so used of my security and comfort with him, that getting out of it and living on my own, totally caused me a lot of anxieties and had worn me down. 

However,  I remembered the night before I left home. The prayers we shared. 

The prayers of wisdom and strength. 

I was on bed with Jam and we knew that was going to be our last night as a Married Couple. We felt our pain in the silence of the night,We didn't know what to say to each other. I grabbed his left hand from my right side of hand, and He held it so tightly. 

I then whispered into his ears. "Let's pray"

"God. By tomorrow, We are going on our separate ways. I ask one thing. Please, walk with us as we are going through this separation. I know, its never going to be easy, along the way, we are going to be like a rubber bands, pulling in and out still in our lives, not knowing when to really let go, for the attachments and the fear of letting go would still be plaguing us, day in and day out. In fact, This isn't over yet for there would still be pain along the way, but please don't let hatred control over our lives. Let our anguish be light, even if it would be too much to handle when face with. I hope we can withstand it and fight for it.

We are abiding you through what you asked from us, even if, giving up this relationship that you yourself had lovingly formed. Give us peace as we are walking on our individual journey, your graces be upon us.  I have a big cracked on my head God, and a wound in my soul and a lost one, and I don't have any answers to all of my questions as of right now for you have those answers. And those answers will only be given to me as time will pass us by.

When the daylight comes by tomorrow, my journey on my own would begin. I have my strength enough for me to step out, and enough for my husband to accept. I know the rest would be from yours. God, If you are here listening with us. I don't intend to ask too much from me, but please take care of him, as much as you will take care of me. 

We trust on your will and we follow on those, for you know the bigger picture than our eyes can see. It hurt letting go of something that is so hard to let go of and what excruciating me is  I'm the one who is causing it to happen, but I refused to drag my husband to the darkness I am in, I am not going to allow him anymore to endure being inflicted by me. I need to go for I know you are calling me, and He needs to listen for you are going to stay with him. 

Whatever path you will lead us from this day on, I will take it as how it is. As for my husband, please be with him at all time specially when He is by himself, alone, angry and hurt, which I know you will. Please make us understand that whatever is lost, that we'll definitely gain something great out of it, not on the external part, but inwardly. 

I don't have anything to say anymore, I'm so tired, for all I can hear is the sorrow of our soul."

Jam squeezed my hand and said this prayer:

"God, Please listen to my wife's prayer".

I had gone away for more than a year now. Given, Jam and I are still invisible yet visible to each other for we can't really control time of when to really say Goodbye. That is God job, not ours. Because, in true love there is no such thing as goodbye. As you evolve yourself, changes experiences, and grow with it, True love always remains. Time doesn't even exist in that space.

Goodbye is just a form of "Hey, I am letting you go so you can enjoy and experience more of life without tangled by my ego." But, what goodbye really means is that, you give that person a freedom to breath and be human. Letting that person enjoy life without its judgement and letting himself grow so He can manifest himself to be Who He really is as an individual."

In relationships, When someone say goodbye to us out of their own misery, we tend to beat that person. We chop  them down until they get drown, because we never really love them. We thought we did, but all along without knowing, out of our ignorance, it was all our ego who said "I love you". It was never real because We never understood why their actions and behaviors caused us pain that we become hateful towards them and that it's where our Agony comes from.  True love, accepted that you are hurt but still genuinely embraces that person, blesses him, and move farther away so He can breathe and can be able to enjoy his existence with his imperfection. 

By God's graces, the care we have for each other have never gone astray. It wasn't an easy road but we both had endured and survived being alone, out of each other lives. After all, we had grown to appreciate and enjoy our life being on our own. Jam was able to shine more and able to face himself realizing his greatness without my shadow. His thoughts before of maybe not able to survive without my presence vanished in the thin air that He can now tell me on my face. 

"If we ever have the chance to go back to each other's lives, I would never love you anymore, like I used to love you."

It brought beautiful smile on my face for I know in that instant He finally able to learn how to love himself. He found boundaries. 

Saying goodbye is really crucial. It is one of the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone's life, that all we wanted to do is die with it and be forgotten. But I have learned that it may be the cruelest thing in the world but it is actually the best thing that could ever happen to those brave individuals, who has the courage to step out, because it gives us absolute access to open our lives to the world and its new beginnings,  to have a more fulfilling life, as well as gives enhancement for ourselves to evolve more into our existence. 

As for myself, I have loosen up and gone through an adventures that made me know myself more. I never held myself back anymore from anything that could happen. I opened myself to the universe without any judgement. I embraced my fear and became fearless. 

After that day I left, I gained the one thing that was most important to me; I regained back my power as a woman. I didn't know I could do it, but I did it. I had given up my comfort and security. I left naked. I was so cold and afraid.  Yet, God clothed me his veil of protection.  He becomes my refuge and I was covered upon his graces. He had safeguard me from any harm that could fall upon me. I was followed by Angels. Trust me it wasn't an easy road. I lost bucket of tears, I even lost my soul. But, because of the covenant He bestowed on me. I was delivered by his salvation.

                                                           

I always hears his voice whenever I'm weeping.

"My child, My child, My precious Child. I am here."

"I can only comfort you through my holy spirit, for you need to go through this. You will understand me when the time comes for this pain is essential for your soul for I would need you. I would need your heart and your beautiful spirit, for you my child is my precious Angel. But, Don't be weary for even in the midst of your trouble. The Angel that I assigned for you will always come rescue you for my graces will always follow you."

God used my deficiency and the crack in my head, so He can heal me with his unconditional love. God took me away from my marriage, so He can walk alone with me. For within my isolation, I had formed a wonderful relationship with God. He taught me what unconditional love and imparted me knowledge of how to use it in reality. Being on my own, I've realized my purpose and I needed to be alone to fulfill it. I had to detach from my own physical being, so I can render the will of God. I had to unplanned my life and let God plan it, and in doing so, I had to forget half of my own existence so I can find the missing half of it to become whole again.

If I didn't overcome my fear and stayed in the comfort of my marriage. I wouldn't be sculpted as a woman I am right now. A woman who is now capable to love beyond any boundaries, and a woman who now able to love this world, this life and humanity as how it is. God molded me to be a well grounded, balanced and a centered woman. I'm finally able to accept and embrace that I am a flawed creature and will always be and that not everything in life has to be perfect, for my imperfection made me perfect and my mess became a message. 

Being alone, I was able to open my life to life. I was able to touch lives, I become my own healer and I became a blessing to some, and some became my blessings. The beautiful light of my spirit outshine the worst part of my being. 

Without any doubt, Jam will always loves me no matter how life would turn out for us, for his love is the reflection of God's love for me. Love that overlooks failings and a love that only see the goodness of a soul in a flawed body. Although, that love will be a different kind of love now, because Jam have finally learned what true love really is. The moment He had set me free, I knew from there, He had truly love me in beyond.

                                                           

I was missing my rebellious soul,  I was desperately searching for her, I thought I lost her, but, all along, my soul has been waiting for me right on the edge of the peak of the mountain. She shouted at me, "You brave girl! You made it!! You found me!!" Our joy was immensely felt. 
                                                           
                                                                        

Excitement overflowed, for my soul wanted me to unravel the beauty of the world with its impurities, and now that we found each other and became one, I feel complete, mightier and stronger. I can now able to conquer the world for I know my soul will lead me to the people who will assist and help me manifest the will of God and accomplish it while I am still breathing. I had been enlightened by God, and I see the world like a beautiful abstract painting. I don't need to touch it, all I need is to enjoy the mystery behind it and believed on my enormous faith that the painter who created it, painted it with so much love.  

You Made Me Feel Brand New! (New York City)

                                                                                                                                    

Oh New York! I felt vitality, independence and womanhood in the city! I felt sense of freedom! The neurosis in the air, the jam of traffic, the high end buildings, the busyness of the street, the noises, the hustle bustle of the crowd, the food, it totally made me felt alive and empowered as a woman! Oh New York, I've never felt so beautiful until I had the chance to savor your glamorous beauty! You  had so much power that lighted my being! It was the exact place where I wanted to be as a single beautiful woman! I totally love how emotional, irrational, and chaotic the city, it's a like great woman; full of life and total mystery! 

It's the city where I can be frozen of my bliss and nobody would notice! I plunged into a tunnel under your city, with its lining pipes and wires, I was out of the womb and into the birth canal! I felt like I was born again into the most beautiful woman I could ever been! It is in the city where I can smell roses and decayed garbage at the same time yet I still find it extraordinary addicting! There is no place like yours with an atom of its glory, pride and exultancy, I grew drunk with ecstasy.  It is such a beautiful catastrophe.  Oh New York, you'd captive me, that I just wanted to keep walking down the ebb and flow of the street and feeling immaculately patchy flawless!

Oh, it made me revive that bliss delight of being in New York! Time to wake up from that lucid memory. I was invited to one of my best friend's wedding. I was super excited about it for I could  finally felt that kind of joy and excitement that some people felt when they visit New York!

It wasn't just about the celebration of Love that I was excited for, it was also the re-connection and celebration of friendship that I was looking forward to.

It was such a delight when I saw one of my best friend back in my childhood years when I arrived in New York! It had been ton of years that we haven't seen each other, I had such ample fond memories with her. Both of us were so much alike back in the days, we were very ambitious little girls, that is why we got along so well because we shared so much imaginations in our poor little world and who could have thought that 20 years had passed, those formed thoughts of ours manifested and saw each other again not just in any place of the world but in NEW YORK!!! The land of beauty and ambition!!

Other than that, I was also able to re-connect and reunited with my best friends. I formed my friendship with them since the beginning of my life here in the states and that was 6 years ago,  that foundation of friendship that we've built along the years have never faded away even though our lives have evolved, changed and separated in distance. It remained firmed and true, And, being reunited in New York brought so much happiness in me! Though, we haven't seen each other for awhile but nothing had changed! The die-hard-tummy silly shallow laughter was still there and the never-ending bickering, and of course, our love for each other was totally felt. 

And of course, being there, I also celebrated the festivity of new formed friendship

The most especial event is the celebration of Love!

I felt emotional watching Ate Beng married for who could have thought that her dream to marry the man of her dreams would ever come true! It took her quite a long time to find the man of her dreams. The single life she had enjoyed had finally reached its end. I was part of that story when Ate Beng was still alone, wishing and pondering of that unknown man if he ever existed and at the same time enjoying her independence and freedom.

I heard a story from her own lips that being single is not all the way fun, at some point in our life, we needed that someone who can complete us, the need to love and be loved. A backbone to share our happy and sad moments.

Ate Beng definitely had a lot of time to love herself, too much time! of course, it is the perks of being in a single world, and she did had the best single time of her life! She gave herself a lot of time to be available to her friends and family and devout her alone time loving God and building a foundation on her faith to him and gave most of her love and time to the people around her. She never wasted any bit of her time being bitter because her knight and shining armor got stuck in the heavy traffic. Instead; she used her time wisely to be the best woman she could be.

She was never desperate to find her true love; she waited patiently until Chris showed up on her doorstep! The perfect man, who appeared out of nowhere, and that man turned out to be her husband now, who will take care of her for the rest of her life!

God always has a perfect timing for everything because look at her; she is now a happy married bee! So women on their 40's who could not remember any more of how long they have been single, never lose hopes okay? This woman is a true testimony that you will get yours too as long you have the courage to wait and patient enough to trust God's way!

I tried to catch a flower from the bride but failed! Not my time yet! Lol 

I had so much fun on the wedding.....

The housewives of Atlanta except myself strolled down the busy street of New York. While walking, these happily married women taught me that as long as you find that one man that really matches your happiness. You'll be truly blessed by a happy marriage! I see them as an inspirations; their husbands truly adore and love each one of them. Yeah, while they were in New York enjoying their space! The husbands were at home in Atlanta feeding their babies and being all supportive! 

I wish one day; I could be in that place where they are in their lives, happy and contented of the family they had built for themselves! I could never forget that walk for they made me see the true value of what a family looks like for a true woman really means. I want to be a happy wife like them, A loving wife and a loving mother. In God's right time, hopefully, I will be as happy as they are, but, before I'll get there, I need to be like Ate Beng when she was still single! fix me and work on myself to be a wonderful woman so I can catch a wonderful man that would give me a wonderful home to be in that happiest place of my life!

As a single independent woman, I have truly learned what true happiness really entails in our lives. Single or married, I have learned that I must love myself first before I'll seek to love any man because If I want to be in that happily married category. I really need to know what I really want as a single person, how complete I am and what can make me truly happy because if I don't know those things, How can I extend that love to a man? or to anybody around who loves me? 

Not only that, when you are truly happy within yourself. You'll never be desperate enough to find any man to fill that void in your life. You will have better judgement of who you allow to be with you. You'll never expect anything in life rather than just being yourself and being alone will never feel empty and lonely. Being happy within will guarantee you to be contented of what's already in your hand. 

There are people that are meant to be single, but they are happy as can be because they already have found that love that they needed to find and that is the love they have for themselves. But of course, It's a totally different story when you have a partner whose there for you and loves you, it makes your world a beautiful place to live. However, Everything is always up to God because He is the only one who can give us that grace to find that one true love that will add color to our lives. 

Oh, New York! Thank You for the incredible experience! I left my wishes in your city, and I felt so great for I am not expecting that those wishes will be granted, Yet, I believe and I have faith that those little wishes will touch me in ways that I would be able to make me happy!!!