And Then It Led Me To You

A sudden familiar stomach pain hit me when I was in the middle of the mass. Having this irregular in and out pain for years, I already know what to expect from me.

"Oh lord not at this moment please and not here...."

Panicked had aroused in me, as if the time walk by inches, and I get to feel slowly the increase commotion of pain inside my stomach. The twinge of discomfort bothered me, Consciously. It was rising on my physical sphere. I tried fighting it and putting some positive thoughts in my head, but it didn't work.

The pain got more intense, and the thing is; I was at the front of the altar, and the interior of the church is wide that everybody could notice me and there wasn't much people to begin with.

"Please... help me...I don't want to embarrass myself on these people, and I don't want to ruin the mass and make them all worry about me."

We all stood up and prayed "I believe in God." I was feeling weak, tense, in so much pain and unstable. As I was trying to alleviate the outburst of a convulsion inside my stomach. I sat down but seems like it wasn't working. I couldn't properly hear the priest and anyone anymore.

When we all knelled down,

"Please help me lord, I don't want to cut this mass, and I want to receive the communion for today."

I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to spoil the mass and everybody because I knew I was going to collapse any minute. So I stood up and walked away. I was pretty sure some of them was quite concerned about me because my movement was wobbly.

I didn't care anymore, All I wanted at that moment was to get out. As I was walking away and desperately seeking for the restroom which I didn't know where, the stimulations of my body were getting worst, I was feeling numb, and my walk got heavier, and it seems like everybody around me got darker and darker. I was freaking out and frantic because I didn't know where to go, and I was fighting with all my heart not to lose my consciousness.

Until when I was about to pass out that I saw a blurry white shirt woman entered the door coming from outside and concernedly asked me If I need help.

"Where is the restroom?" It's all that came out from my mouth.

And she led me to the restroom and when I finally inside, I felt a little better. Because, I got accustomed to the pain, so I knew how to help myself alleviate it. While I was throwing up, I kept praying that

I would feel a little better so I can still receive the communion. I didn't want to get sick because I still want to finish the Catholic Mass and go to the other church to supplement myself because that morning was set for my time with God before I start working that day.

Thanks be to God, because I felt so much better even though weak, but I was still able to receive the sustenance of grace through the Eucharistic bread, and I was the last person to get it. I made it on time!

I was determined to look for the lady to say Thank You to her. I wasn't sure who to look for because when she came to me, She was blurry and unrecognizable. All I could remember was the structure of her body and the white shirt she was wearing. I knew that she was just inside the church, So I went looking for her after the mass,

But It didn't take me a while to find her. She was a middle age white woman, and she was outside the chapel giving pamphlets for the people who just came out from the mass service. So I approached her with my smiling face and asked,

"I'm sorry to bother you but where you the one who guided me to the restroom?"

And she said "yes" with a smile on her face.

"I was ready to pass out, and you came out of nowhere. Thank you so much!"

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that, but are you feeling better now?"

And I replied "Yes. I  am feeling a lot better!"

And She handed me the Pamphlet "Well, If you have time for a woman's weekend retreat, You are free to join us!"

I got excited when I read it, I want to join, but I had some concerns because I was not confident if my schedule is going to work for me cause I usually work over the weekend. Even though, I wasn't certain, but I was quite a surprise of my reply.

"Yeah Sure! I'll see you there then!"

While driving on the way to buy me coffee before I headed to the "Buckhead Church" To hear Pastor Andy Stanley (One of my fave pastor). I had some questions running through my mind.

Was that pain led me to that lady, so I could join the Retreat? Or Does God wants my presence in the retreat? Or maybe everything was just a mere coincidence?

Oh well, I took the Pamphlet aside for I don't want to over think everything.

However, God seems on wanting me to attend because I found out that my schedule worked out perfectly for me on that weekend!!!

Hence, I am pretty excited for Women's Retreat Escapade, that moment of discomfort was a blessing in disguise I could say; because I think its going to be a step forward for me to get closer with God and spend more time with him, and get to know him more! Amazingly, I'm looking forward to it. 

A Growth Of Sprout Within Me

                                                           

I was awaken by the cold touch on my face. I couldn't go back to sleep, So I jumped out from my bed and ran into the bathroom. After I took the shower, I stared at my Divorce Papers placed on my dining table. There was a mist of sadness in me. I thought of dropping by to the 7:30 am mass at the Blessed Sacrament of St. Thomas More
Church before heading to the Superior Court since it was just within the area.

However, the parking lot were empty when I arrived at the church. So I thought there might be no mass, but it didn't stop me of going inside. It was exactly 7:33 am when I entered the Blessed Sacrament. It was empty and there was Father Brian Lorie standing in front of the altar with his hand opened.
He looked at me as if he already expected my arrival and said:

"Dear would you like to join the mass with me?"

I looked around astounded and compelled for there was no one inside except Father Brian. I think for about a second my face was confused and turned from surprise to excitement that I said, "SUREEEE!"

He then asked, "Can you read the first readings for me?" So, I got more confused and lost because I didn't know what to do. My mind were in battle "What? How? Where?". My confusion reached to Fr. Brian's awareness. He then pointed the bible where it was located and said "Read it."

Reading 12 COR 3:15—4:1, 3-6

Brothers and sisters:
To this day, whenever Moses is read,
a veil lies over the hearts of the children of Israel,
but whenever a person turns to the Lord the veil is removed.
Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom.
All of us, gazing with unveiled face on the glory of the Lord,
are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory,
as from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Therefore, since we have this ministry through the mercy shown us,
we are not discouraged.
And even though our Gospel is veiled,
it is veiled for those who are perishing,
in whose case the god of this age
has blinded the minds of the unbelievers,
so that they may not see the light of the Gospel
of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
For we do not preach ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord,
and ourselves as your slaves for the sake of Jesus.
For God who said, Let light shine out of darkness,
has shone in our hearts to bring to light
the knowledge of the glory of God
on the face of Jesus Christ.

I felt weird when I was reading for I was reading it in front of an empty benches, yet far beyond my imagination were angels gathered around watching us.

In honesty, I was quite disoriented because I truly don't know how to do responses of the mass.
(That is what you get when you are not always joining church masses and just following the crowd every time you do so; and so I got obvious)

Well Father Brian picked up on it, so he was really nice for he was guiding me and did the responses himself too. It was just so bizarre because nobody came in and as far as I know a priest should have assistance in doing mass even just one person, but I didn't quite understand why he was alone that morning.

Leaving aside, After He gave me "The body of Christ," I knelled down and tried to pray but my thoughts were gone. It was completely silence. Minutes had passed, He then reached out his prayer for me.

"May almighty God bless you, the father, and the son, and the holy spirit; Amen"
"Go in the peace of Christ; Thanks be to God"

I walked with him after the mass ended and asked about my dream.

"Father Can I speak with you?"

"Yeah Sure!

"Well, I had a dream four nights ago. I was chased by bad spirits, and I was running away from them. Hiding so they can't see me. Within that dream, A girl and a boy handed me a letter and the girl said;

"This is a letter from God, read it quickly as possible because these bad spirits surrounding us doesn't want you to read this."

So when she handed me the letter, I opened and read it fast enough to sink into my mind. There were three phrases in that letter, but I was only able to read the last part because I got paralyzed after I finished reading it.

"In connection with God,
You need to go forward with him"

Sleep paralysis had stroked me. I couldn't move; I couldn't talk; I couldn't breath. I was struggling to wake up! I prayed the "Our Father" while I was immovable yet I can sense someone was watching me from my reality. After I was done praying, I was able to breath and free myself from the horrifying experience.

So Father this is my question.

"What do you think that message means?"

By the time I wrapped up, He was already finished placing his garments and belongings on the cabinet.
He looked at me and asked:

"Did you had a confession?"

"No. It's been awhile. My last confession was years ago.

"Okay follow me"

He next led me to a cozy room and brought his holy water, bible and anointing oil and instructed me of how to do the confession...

Soon after the confession, He prayed over me and anointed me. He rubbed  his anointing oil on my forehead and the palms of my hands a sign of the cross. I didn't plan to cry, but a drop of my tears fell down to my hands. It was so humbling. I felt all my negative energy were washed away.

His last word for me was "In regard of your dream; God might be calling you"

I felt like I was on a thin air when I was walking out from the Church. My disbelief of what just happened clouded me. My body felt like a feather floating. I couldn't feel my own spirit. What came out from my lips was "What just happened?"

For a moment, I sat down on a bench. My minds were completely still for about 30 minutes.
The winds from the trees were clamoring to hug me. The soft touch of breeze embraced me lovingly.
I touched my forehead and opened my hands and touched every moist of his anointing oil on my skin.

"Lord, I don't understand? What is going on? I felt strange."

A tiny little purple color mixed of lavender bluish brown butterfly landed on my lap.
I caught it in my index finger. The beautiful creature didn't move, as I carried it up for me to see it clearly, He was at rest, still and undisturbed.

"How can this tiny little one be exquisitely alluring" I thought?

I moved my finger, so he can fly away, but he didn't move.

So I just gazed at him the whole time.

"Okay tiny one, It's all right not to fly. You might be tired...Just rest, your safe with me cause watching you makes me calm too."

After a couple of minutes, it flew away. The little butterfly seems to have trouble flying for He drift through the air so slowly like a baby learning how to walk.

"Bye little one...May the flowers that you passed by bloom beautifully as well."

I took a deep inmost breath....

Butterflies are a gift. It represents different forms of beauty into our existence. When I see one, they always manage to amaze me how the process of their growth has made them to become exquisitely stunning. From being an ugly, appalling scary worm to becoming this creature that is so outlandishly beautiful. Their evolving development cycle has been an essence of stewardship in the development throughout their lives; teaching me that we must also grow and be stretched to become just like them.

However, at that time, I saw the butterfly as God himself, and we are the flowers. As flowers, we feed God by our inwardly healthy being. Our characteristics within us define our nectar. It is a life-giving drink to God; its juiciness is the vitality of our heart. Our scent from the inside is an essential oil of our spirit, which radiates its sweet fragrance in our surroundings whom rivets attention of anyone around especially the butterfly who nourishes our soul.
When we give kindness, warmth and love to humanity, we appeal to God. We bring so much joy to him that it captivates him in refining us to become a well-formed all-powerful spiritual being.

When we captured God's grace that's when pollination takes place. Our moral righteousness, its virtue and quality are transmitted to another flower. God became a passage of goodwill and healing from the embodiment of the beauty we possessed within. Our substance becomes a manifestation of our nutrients that enables us in assisting and flourishing another flower that God himself plugged into.

The relationship between butterflies and flowers have a great significance for one empower each other. Their collaboration reproduces beauty that reinvigorates renewal of our hearts. Meanwhile, when we serve God our food, He devours and secretes our nutrient and transcends our pollen to another flower to make them as beautiful as we are; transfusing it to the stigma of another flower to produce treatment in order to blossom it into a ravishing one, In Christianity, by the way, A stigma is a mark resembling the wounds of a crucified Christ which appears to be our own wounds as well.

We are scared and wounded individuals, and we need God through the nourishment of other people. God himself anointed us to assist healing through the goodness within ourselves, which illuminates the sovereign power of God. We cure others through God. We became the vessel of his grace for it unveils the truth of his love for us, that is beyond our own understanding.

Butterflies need flowers, and flowers needs the butterflies. In other words, God needs us, and we need God. No one survives without each other. God is hungry of our Love that compasses everything in this world. It is a map of our salvation. We are our own healer of each other. Our love complete and beautify this earth that is why God kneaded us to become a magnificent being, so we can outreach our healing spirit to the flowers around us. We are so beautiful in his eyes even on our differences. Our different forms and uniqueness define this earth. Earth without flowers are so dull and lonely that is why no wonder God's love created us; and that love itself is the air we breath to live.

It's amazing how my seed blossomed in the midst of my turmoil. The ornament of wisdom that had grown in me have tremendously impacted my well being. The blessing that had bestowed on me that morning transformed my life into a higher dimension of understanding; An understanding that enables me to appreciate the gift of spirituality within us.

This sprout in me that was watered and blessed by God will blossom into something beyond my imagination; who only God knows how it will become, and if I keep watering it with proper love for myself and for the people around me then that seed will turn out to be the most well endowed beauty.

Let us cleanse and take care of our seed within us so the goodness of our soul radiates scent, so we'll be able to vest in grace and restore broken souls while we are breathing in this earth just like butterflies and flowers do.

                                           

                                            *******************************

After more than a year, my confusion finally got answered through this video. 1/15/2015

A branch on my tree......

It looked quiet and unattended when I entered the Emory University Catholic Center.  I was reluctant to enter the premises. I quietly knocked the door once and noticed that it was unlocked. It looks like a house yet again? filled with religious books and crucifix gathered around the living room. I tiptoed soundlessly and called Father D hesitantly. 

No answer...

I called him again....

No answer.......

...I was alone....no one was around.....

Carelessly, I was exploring in a timid way, intrigued of what was in those books hanging around the shelves. Everything was religious books. I didn't touch any of it; instead, as I was taking all of this in,  I saw this huge comfy couch and simply sat on it. 

I felt relaxed and the quietness of the place made me feel more at ease. 

I was there waiting for almost an hour and I didn't even feel bored. I was quiet.

I heard Father D's voice coming out from the stairs at the back of the center.

I felt delighted.

I heard him say goodbye to one of his colleagues, then walked towards me in a tirelessly manner. 

He was wearing his Collarino shirt;  which is the standard dress shirt among priest, but has a standing black collar that is sewn to accommodate a white cloth or soft plastic insert, leaving a small white square at the base of the throat.

He smiled and said Hi and apologized for having me waiting.

With a huge grin on my face, I told him that I hadn't even noticed it.

He brought me on a tour around the center and I ultimately sat down in his spacious office where we started our conversation about the time when He visited my new home to bless it. 

After awhile, He then decided that we should walk outside in the beautiful weather and eat dinner, suggesting a place about 15 mins away.

I happily and excitedly obliged because going on a walk with him was an open doorway for us to get to know each other and I was enthusiastic about it. I was interested of getting to know him as a person and as a whole.

It was a really beautiful weather outside that day, not that cold, not that hot. The birds were chirping like they were singing, the trees were swaying in a slow motion like they were dancing, the wind breeze were in perfect harmony on our skin, soothing and caressing us like they are our friends, the flowers on the sidewalks were smiling for we passed by them and the sun over the beautiful blue sky were looking down at us, extending it's sunlight to bless our friendship that I felt is gonna blossom in years to come. It was just a perfect weather to walk. My shorts and my happy orange sweater fitted in on that moment of bliss.

We were getting to know while walking. I was able  to open up to him, giving him the ups and down of my life.

Ultimately, I tried not talking about the sad moments of my life because a new journey had already begun for me. A new life is blossoming for me and now is the moment I get to enjoy that feeling of freedom to learn more about myself; that feeling of being able to maneuver life on my own, gives me a lot of courage and confidence within me.

I'm free like a bird now and I can make decisions that will teach me more about life. I will succeed on something and I will fail for sure (but this time, it's all on me) yet it's gonna be a learning experience for me to grow as an individual. That feeling of; "I am not going to hurt anyone anymore except myself," gives me a lot of breather. 

I had left my married life with a new hope to sew what I haven't finished or never even started

 "Building me"

I had gone through depression where I guess I did a good job in hiding it. 

I had lost myself in the process of my marriage and it makes me sad because while I lost myself, I also lost the man who loves me. 

Our conversations were more happy and on a light tone. This time all I have left is my willpower to rebuild myself. In the future, I intend to get back what I had lost and get what I truly deserve in life.

I felt really comfortable with Father D and I thank God that once again He sent me another spiritual person to guide me in my life.  Father D is so open about life, his openness made me like him even more. 

I missed Father Yuen though, my other priest friend who already left for Germany. 

I was saddened by his departure but I knew everything were in perfect reasons. He came into my life when I was in the middle of my turmoil. Those times were I hated myself and was just totally lost in the darkness of woods. 

I was in the midst of crisis within me that affected my marriage tremendously. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror that time cause I hated the person I was. I felt so empty. I dragged myself from the shadow of darkness and tried aimlessly getting out to find some light, but I was going in circle. I was trying to breath cause not only I was hurting myself, I was also hurting the man that was with me and as a woman, I couldn't bear it, It wounded me more, worst than anything. I tortured myself. I was physically in but my soul were wandering somewhere in the deserted mountain. 

Father Yuen was there to remind me that I was still alive and still breathing and that I still have me.

Whenever I look back on those times, I could still feel the pain but now it's a different feeling because I am in the process of healing......I got out of that life with all my courage and of course with God's approval. 

It was God's time (not mine) to say "Go ahead". So I took everything with me of what I had left for myself; "The love I have for me". 

Not only that, I had left my old life with a beautiful goodbye, an outstanding growth within that turmoil and with God's proper blessings.

Father D came into my life in this new journey that I am taking but more on so, He is here in the time where I am healing. Maybe, He is going to assist me to walk with confidence equipped with my new outlook in life. A friend who is going to guide me on my spiritual journey. 

Every people comes into our lives as they say like seasons. They come and go yet leave us something that we would never forget. Memories and their teachings...

I am not close to Father D yet but our friendship started on that walk. That feeling of comfort that someone close with God is my friend made me feel more safe and secure to the path that I am heading to whatever it would be.

We are like a tree and our root is God, without our root we are nothing. And our tree needs to grow branches (the people that God sends in our lives); and in those branches there is a need to develop  leaves because without those leaves (of wisdom) we are empty.  We are in this life to be bruised and to be beaten, we are cracked and impaired as an individual. So we can appreciate the beauty of our growth and the beauty of our imperfection. The tree which is us reflected our own lives in its ground. 

So I need to stand tall and be strong like one. A strong tree never collapses in the middle of the storm and adversity. God will hold my feet to keep me grounded and He will make sure that I develop and grow beautifully, ultimately bearing healthy fruits to the people that I'm with and to those people whom I will encounter in the future. 

At this point of my life, I need water (my faith) to help me grow.

I'm sad because of who and what I had left behind but I am happy for I follow the path that God wants me to go....

Father D is one of my branches that will help and assist me in my own spiritual journey... whatever it will be, only God knows :)

Self Discovery

Okay. My eyes are trying to open up right now, Just got home an hour ago from a 2 hr documentary movie retreat called "Love yourself, Heal your life". I was supposed to be there at exactly 7pm but I got super lost, driving round and round within the vicinity. It took me 30 minutes to find the place. I guess I have to blame my GPS cause there is no one to blame except that device. :)

I was about to give up out of my frustration and just go home when I decided to just park my car and walk to try my luck; maybe just maybe this place Self Discovery Center will show up right in front of me. 

I think I didn't walk that far when I found it. It was a house. "Oh yeah I expected a building" Oh that's why.......

I was quite hesitant if I should knock the door or not cause it looks so quiet but I did knocked anyway, as if I have a choice? Well, actually I do, maybe run and never come back.  But I chose to follow my guts and knock the door. 

A guy opened the door for me and welcomed me warmly and I could tell from the door that I was at the right place, I could see the Movie that they were watching. ( cause I was there for that movie). 

I was whispering that I got lost and I was super sorry to interrupt. The guy just smiled and guided me to the chairs. 

I noticed there were only 3 of them who were watching and I was the 4th one. 3 women which includes myself and the guy. 

I wasn't able to start the movie, I only caught the part where a woman who have so much turmoil within herself walking going to the door and was hesitant whether to get out or not and right there and then, I saw myself through that woman. 

I got hooked up immediately. That movie was speaking to me. Every step of the process of the changes of her life that she went through, I felt it. 

The movie was about the healing process and loving ourselves and the power within us to step into the unknown. From I can't to I can and from fear to bravery.

At the end of the movie, I finally understood why I have to go through what I am going through now and the turmoil I went though the last couple of years. It opened my eyes that all along I have been walking in my spiritual journey for my own growth.

It was just so weird, I could feel my angels around me during that moment. I was aware of my own vibration and their vibration. I felt them watching with me.  

I've always been so sensitive but not like lately. Lately, their energies are more powerful. I can sense them around, watching me and just following me.

When the movie ended, the facilitator asked us if we enjoyed the movie. 

Out of nowhere, Unconsciously, I blurted it out " My angels brought me here." 

Before I left, the facilitator asked me to pick a card. The cards were scattered on the table. So I closed my eyes and picked one. 

This card was meant for me. My angels were sending me messages through this card. I don't know how to justify it, I don't even know how to explain it and the only thing that I can only understand is that they are guiding me and they are trying to let me know not to be afraid cause I am in a safe place. I am where I am cause I'm supposed to be here.

Spiritual growth is a long journey. Saying goodbye to my old life was painful but I have to continue walking, My life is not about my life anymore. I'm just following to where it takes me cause whatever future I would have, it's for God's greater purpose. 

My husband has it's own purpose too. Both of us were guided. In our separate lives, Maybe we have something important to do in the future.

Whatever it is, I am ready. 

I Can Smell The Air of Change

It's late in the night, my eyes are tired yet my brain isn't.  I am feeling my emotions. It's stable yet nervous and all over the place. I can feel a stitch of pain and it's heavy. I am trying to breath to release every negative feelings in it, but no matter how much I tried, it  is still clutching into my heart.

I check my mind. Thoughts are overflowing it's smothering my being. Wish I can cry it all out to release everything, yet my tears are not coming out. Even my tears got tired of me.

I am asking my emotions lovingly, if what can I do to help? "Feel it" that's all I can hear.

I need to breath again to free myself from all of these. I think this time, it's gonna work.

A stillness in the air. Memories are coming penetrating my being. It's agonizing.

I can smell the air of change coming my way. No matter how much I wanted to avoid it yet it's getting near me. I can see it. It looks so beautiful that I can almost touch it.......


Silence....

"Don't be afraid, Take it, it's all yours. I've prepared all that for you. Don't worry about him, I got something for him too."

However, I looked down and I see broken glasses. I got petrified but I got a lot of courage to walk on it yet I turned around and I see a smiling broken man waving at me and wonderful memories came flushing back. I wanted to run back to him and comfort him. Yet, my soul is crying out loud "No!! He can't walk with you anymore. You're gonna hurt him deeper than your hurting yourself. Just go.."

I didn't notice that I had been walking too far on the broken glasses. I can't go back. I refused to hurt him anymore.

The wounds from the sole of my feet is shedding more blood and getting more painful as I come nearer to the door.

I want to run to lessen the pain that I am carrying inside. Yet, I can't run. Time is not allowing me, it want me to feel every bit of strong sensation of my feelings. Ugh! I need to put a grip on myself and be strong enough to let go. I need to let go of his hand!

I looked back again to where he was standing. There was a radiance of acceptance on his face. He smiled at me and gave me a facial expression to go ahead. I heard him say "Our fate has been written just keep on walking."

"Oh God! I know my journey with him is about to end. You have been so wonderful of giving us all the strength and peace that we both needed in these phase in our lives. Please take extra care of him which I know you will because we wouldn't be in this place we are now if it's not for your greater plan."

Clock is ticking and my heart is pounding yet I couldn't complain. God has been really great. I can feel his spirit around. Even though, I don't know what's up for me in the woods and I know it's never gonna be an easy road for me. Yet, I know for sure that the pains I will be encountering through that journey will get me to where I belong.