44 Fallen Angels

                                                             

I feel deeply affected by the tragic deaths of the 44 members of the Philippine National Police - Special Action Force (PNP-SAF) who were killed in a deadly clash with the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) and the Bangsamoro Islamic Freedom Fighters (BIFF) in Mamasapano, Maguindanao last January 25.

When I heard about the news, my heart beat was escalating and my hands were shaking uncontrollably fearing of the thought that my brother might be one of them. Without any lapse of time I contacted my brother who is a PNP just to make sure that He is safe at home which thanked God He is safe in the comfort of his family. I feel deep sadness for the families who lost their sons, brother or father of the incident, Even though, I am not related to the family that was affected by the tragedy who is grieving right now. I grieve and I shed my tears with them. I wish I can comfort them but I don't know how for I know that their pain is beyond heartbreaking. I feel their lost, their heartaches and agonies over these 44 fallen comrades and the rest of the people who lost their lives out of this encounter. I couldn't contain my emotions about these tragic lost for I have a brother of my own who is a police as well , and the thought of him risking his life in protecting our country and its countrymen who He loves is unthinkable.  The heroic sacrifice that these heroes makes for their country men is also the sacrifice that their family has to endure. As a woman, a sister who has a police brother, I devastatingly fight with him together with his wife, his children, his parents, and his siblings. As a family, we engulf whatever the outcome on his fate.

These brave heroes, I honor, I salute and I respect them, including my brother and the police, armies, and soldiers who is alive right now for they pushed themselves and exerted all their efforts to do what they could do to protect our country. The 44 fallen Angels gave us a message that made me acknowledge the importance of the heroes in our country, they made me see the value of their existence. They are our heroes for they give their lives to secure safety for their country, defending it until their last breath, until the end. They deserve all the tribute that they need to get for I am truly grateful to them. I feel their souls from their grave relaying a message to take care of their classmates and brothers because for a long time, we never recognize nor appreciate them. Sadly to say, the 44 fallen Angels needs to die so we can appreciate their importance in our lives.

                                                       

I don't know the entire story behind the encounter between PNP and MILF, I only know few pieces of information that I gathered from the media which is the mission was called "Oplan Wolverine" to serve arrest warrants for high ranking terrorist that brutally led to the deaths of 44 members of SAF, 18 from MILF, 7 civilians and the death of Zulkifli Adbhir aka Marwan, a Malaysian who was one of the FBI most wanted terrorist that the PNP-SAF ventured into the guerilla enclave of Tukanalipao with the goal -of detaining high ranking affiliated-improvised-explosive device experts "Marwan" and "Usman". The PNP troops were then ambushed by the group of MILF militants.

Pointing of fingers have been taking place, blaming and accusation between these encounters have led people in more depth of anger, confusions and heartaches.What I only know is what I only read and heard and nothing more and less than that, so I can't judge the situation by being here in front of my computer than in the actual scene itself. The truth behind all these is only PNP and MILF who is in the battle really knows.

This I am very certain though, that these men, the PNP and MILF fought to what the situation had given to them at the moment of "in need call" to fight. The PNP who were called on their duties didn't anticipated the blown out of proportion encounter, were lacking maybe proper execution to the said "project." Unfortunately, there was a lack of communication in both counterparts. I believe that the battle encounter was not intended by either side for the target were only two terrorist men, but because of  the misperception of information in MILF defense, whose mission is to also protect their safety in their own territory, which led to that bloody massacre for both sides have duties to comply which is protection.

In my own understanding, when you are in a battle or war, there is no such thing as who win or lose, you just fight for your life. Both are enemies on each others eyes.  Whoever falls down first, you die that's it. Unfortunately, the tragedy of war makes the human being numb, it torn ones spirit, for killing an enemy is a victory, yet no one really is victorious for everyone is a victim.

As a being who is spiritually grounded, I feel deep compassion for the human beings who is in the middle of these war for the spirits who resides in their human body wants peace however, the duty of being a human being is obligated for war has been embedded in this world and into our lives. No matter how much we fight for peace, external world never works like that for our external suffering teaches our internal beings how to work on your own peace.

The 44 PNP and 18 MILF who lost their lives out of these battle makes me feel very sad for why does human beings have to go through all these? Why do these people have to fight, suffer and die out of the arrogance and ego of human nature? How can these horrible situation happens to us? We mourn and we seek justice out of our hatred and prejudices. Why?  Why do we kill and hate each other and love all over again? Why is a profound questions that we usually asks from above, yet silence is all we get.

As a human being, our ego comes with us, when our ego is not properly watered with love and kindness, it can be dangerous for this creates war and death.

This world has been manipulated by our own egos and it has been ruled by it. How can we stop it? Truth is, We can't. Our human self is limited by these universal forces. However, as much as we can't say no to our ego's, God gave us our hearts. Our hearts who has the power to ease, comfort and forgive our egos. It saves this world. It saves us.

I hope humanities in our nations, in our world, will listen to our hearts more, so war can be prevented, so death out of hatred can be reduce. We have to fight with love specially on ourselves, because the war never started anywhere, the war started within us. Let's forgives ourselves for being human so we can forgive the people around us so war won't be brought forth to our neighbors. It's the only cure to this battlefield we live in.

I am praying for the bereaved beings who lost the lives of the people they love in PNP-MILF encounter, not just to them, but for all the people in this world, who has been living with war, to find find healing for their souls, to find peace in the midst of this crisis, and to find in their hearts TO FORGIVE. I pray that Love will reign.

For the true test here, is how can we forgive the enemy? The message that lies underneath the surface of this circumstances from the heroes in our country is for you. They are the testimony of great sacrifice to teach me and you that we don't need this traumatic war to live. The people who lost their lives because of the war we all created, they are sending us a message to stop and look around, and feel our own heartbeat. We are all made to love and we are all made to hate, which one do you choose? This is the question that God wants us to answer first before we ask him why?

                                                           

My Prayer To The Man I Will Love

"God, In this ambiguity of life that often leads to confusion and conflict. Please guide my heart to the man who would give me more peace. 

I know God peace is one of the hardest parts of life to attain for I have to work so hard every second of the day to hold myself together internally to acquire it. It's like putting all my broken pieces together to make it whole again for I need to learn how to get peace so that I can give peace. As a human being, oh God it's not easy. It's like walking on a fire barefoot. However, changing myself from the inside out to the best of my ability to be the best woman I can be is something that I can give back as my appreciation to you for being present in my life. Unfortunately, Father, I cannot entirely trust myself to rely on my thoughts and feelings because I might lead myself to trouble. You see me from above, and you are the only one who can see the biggest picture of my life. So I give all my trust and faith in you to find the best man for me at the moment who could make my world a better place to live.

My judgment Oh God, I must admit, I cannot trust. In You I feel peace to know that whoever I come across from this day on, whether they are from the past, the present and the future. I believe that I manifested it because of your grandeur will for my life. 

Oh God if you happen to give that man to me. I promise I will not be a burden. Instead, I will be a vessel of your unconditional love and be his light to stray him from darkness. I will be his anchor and strength when He couldn't find his. I will try to take extra care of our relationship and nurtured it the best way I can and as long as I can. I will strive to love that man the way He should be loved without possessing him for his freedom would be my liberty. I will not change the way you have carefully formed him. Instead, I'll celebrate his presence of how you have created him to be. I will only try to see the goodness and the best of himself out from his imperfection. I will not build expectations and judgement for I will only love the raw being that He is.

I know whoever you will bring into my life whether that man would stay for a period or longer. I know it's always under your will and I can only embrace and welcome him with a grateful heart. When that man's purposed is served and I've experienced what I needed to learn for my spiritual growth. I promised that I'll let him free with a happy heart when it's time for him to go. I can only smile and thank that precious being for passing by and will bless him on his new journey with all the love I have. If, that being stays with or without me and love me until my last breath, I can only smile for I know indeed true love exist.

You know I wanted so bad to feel the feeling of being in love, to love and be loved. Life is intangible and has no guarantees so I don't mind anymore whether I would be in love with that man in a humanly way or not. As long as your will aligned my life and I have peace within and I feel complete, happy and contented of myself.  

Well if it's not too much to ask too, I pray that whoever He is, I pray that He is the man who is praying the same prayer as I do.

I am floating Oh God; you lead, and I'll follow. I am not holding my life anymore for my spirit is in your hand, blow me to the right relationship who will help me grow and blow me to your greater plan for your greater glory. I'll take everything that you will give me. I will not complain. Instead, I will be thankful."

                                                                                           

My Inner Turmoil Broke My Marriage

The breeze outside our patio embraced us with its warmth and all the stars were all aligned and shining brightly. It was so beautiful, we were captivated.

"Baby, Do you believe in Angels?" I gushed. 

"Yes, I do." Jam replied, while eyes locked up onto the sky.

Curiosity flourished, I asked again "Why?"

"Because, I'm living with one."

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Time flew swiftly, It feels like it was only yesterday that I moved timidly and anxiously here in my momentary, impermanent beautiful home, which I call it "My transitory Retreat Home." 

It was the sanctuary that took me in and comforted me when I was on the verge of the darkest stage of my soul.  It became a healing place for myself. It's on top of the building, placed on the breathtaking view on front of vicinity where you can see wide parking lot and sight directly to heavens and luscious and greenery trees that colors it under. A home that I've always yearned to have of my own and God of the Universe granted me one to experience. 

                                                                              

More than a year had passed, vivid recollections of memories moistened, remembering the predicament like it just happened. I was a total wrecked, I felt like a worn out wounded soldier that just got out of a war, trying to stand up but couldn't for my mental, emotional and physical execution that I gave myself within my marriage, deluded my being. I felt depleted, that all I wanted to grab was a drop of water to sustain myself. I was shattered and dismantled for my soul within me were irrepressible that caused me a lot of confusion and heartaches.

My eyes were swelling and about to pop out from crying. I didn't have so much energy to collect myself at that moment. The thought of "Goodbye" was so hard to endure. I already walked out to our marriage Four years ago but God was playing hide and seek on me. He made me go through it that almost shook my soul to collapse. 

I was bind to the idea that my Husband was the perfect match for me, that I couldn't find anyone like him. I was snuggled by that same idea that without him, I wouldn't function as a whole and I got absorbed into the feeling that the turmoil of our marriage was my fault. My kind nature misled me to believe that I am a horrible woman and a selfish wife. I didn't understand why. All I understood was, I hurt my husband beyond imaginable and what pained me more was, I couldn't control myself, I was like a bereaved vampire in the night and sucking his blood was keeping me alive and I got stuck into it. 

I brewed coffee for us that last morning, the usual thing I do before He goes to work, but my hands were shaking and weak. I lack sleep, I have not been sleeping properly since I could remember. I had been going through depression and had been lost of "I didn't know where." For my soul has been disrupted and had been wandering around on the emptiness of my being. I've carried it with me since I was born and it never left me. It was burning and screaming within me, the desire to get out of my solitude and misery. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream, I wanted to disappear and I wanted to die with my pain but my attachment to the only man I opened my heart with had generated to compel what I wanted to do; to get out so I can stop hurting him. Yet, I was embedded. 

The cruelest thing was the outside forces of our marriage ruined me more. How can God put my soul to such horrendous experience. I thought to myself that time "Just let me die God". My kind loving nature couldn't take it anymore for facing the beast in me was too much to take upon myself. I am no Angel, the Angel that Jam had seen in me lacerated him. 

                                                                              

I prayed intently to God to make it stop. All I wanted to do was simple. Be normal; Be a great wife to my husband and be a wonderful mother perhaps when I'll be blessed with adorable kids. How can He not give it to me? Why do I need to go through this? I thought desperately. 

Detaching myself was like peeling my entire skin.

I stopped myself, wiped my tears. I didn't feel like making coffee, what's the use? I am leaving and smelling the scent of coffee was making me grieve more. But I continued it anyway. In a few minutes, my life as a wife would come to an end, so might as well, make one. 

I examined my stuffs that I would bring with me. It was just all my clothes, I didn't want to take anything away from him. I just want to take my clothes and myself. I'd prepared his stuff before I left and organized it on how a Bachelor man lives. As much as I wanted my freedom. I knew, He needed it too more than I do. 

It may not be visible in the eyes to see, but I had known my husband soul more than He knows himself. He doesn't need me. He thought, He needed me, that was why, He fought for me until He lost his own senses.  The fear of losing me plummeted his own soul. He battled to anybody that come across my way, fearing that they would take me away from him. He thought  by doing it would save me from my own misery. He set aside everything including his own pride, forgot himself, and crashed his own ego, because He thought that without me, his life would crumbled for his life was me, but little did He know, with me in it, I was poisoning his life. We were damaging both of our lives. We were too addicted to each other's comfort that we could no longer develop as an individual and grow. 

We were like Bears in the cave, cuddled up and hibernating on the cold and find comfort embracing darkness. We didn't want to go out for our warmth for each other was keeping us survive. We were scared to go out from it because we thought that being in cave will keep us safe. We corralled ourselves from the light of life outside because we thought that being committed to each other was enough to live. 

However, my curiosity didn't keep me still inside. I was fidgety. The desire to get out was overbearing. I felt restless and uneasy. The darkness in it, was exterminating me.  It was so hard to breathe. I felt like I was in the gas torture chamber. It was destroying my carefree spirit. I needed the light outside. I needed fresh of breath air or else I was going to die inside. I didn't know myself anymore, I couldn't find my own light, I had given all of it to Jam, more than what I had, I felt so empty. As much I wanted my world with him; the comfort and the security of its love in it, fact-of-a-matter that cave  with him was not my world.

The outside world was calling my name. Its intensity was getting louder and louder until I couldn't bear it any longer that I  felt the need to delve into it and seek the voice and find the answers of what was it all about and why, So it will stop haunting me.  

Desolately, I needed to leave the cave that used to be my shelter. It was so hard to swallow and accept but I needed to give it back to the universe for I have a purpose to fulfill. Unfortunately, both of us has to accept our fate, both of us has to suffer, we need to, considering that  its the only way for us to clasp our own destiny. We need to be sick and be broken, so we can open our eyes and our heart to transformation. 

I looked around my home with him for the last few minutes, that few minutes felt like I had been scanning it forever.  I then thought, "This home had witnessed the turmoil and happiness at the same time, it had seen the joy and grief and it had seen my husband's sorrow and had seen my misery too. This home had seen the worst part of me as a woman and as a wife.  Our home felt our woes, heartaches, resentments, the rage, and the anger. Yet, it also felt sad that I am leaving, because the walls also witnessed joy, giggles, laughter, security, friendship, love and comfort. 

(Sorry I have to cry. Just totally recalled everything)

I may be the worst woman and wife in the entire world, but I brought sunshine too in our home despite of my shortcomings. I was a wonderful wife, tried all my best to nurture our home, I took care of him more than I care about myself. But I didn't have enough to give anymore, I starved myself, I had given what I didn't have. I fed him more than I fed myself, I felt drained like a stale flower and I felt that I needed to get out to water and fill myself  so I can nourish my soul properly. I need to leave for I couldn't hold up the pain that I was inflicting to myself and worst to him. The dispute of anguish within me ruined my marriage.  It ruined me, it ruined him, it ruined us. I needed to look for my soul, my own soul needed me, I need to look for its meaning, if not, I would hurt myself extensively.

I heard the door opened from our bedroom. There was loneliness in the air. I asked him to have coffee with me, He took  a sip of it without looking at me and asked me If I needed help to carry my stuff to my car before He goes to work. I said "I do." We both felt the sadness, In spite of,  we were acting strong and accepting. 


After He put my last baggage in my car. He still didn't have his emotions on his face, but I felt his pain, but didn't want to show it to me. He had enough of it,  But I cried, I couldn't hold it.  "Babyyyy......"

He playfully tapped my nose. "Stop crying!! You look ugly when you cry! Be strong!!"

"I'm scared!!"

"Don't be scared! Trust God!"

"Do you think I'll be okay?"

"Baby, You'll be okay. God will be with you."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Don't worry about me, God will not leave me alone."

He then, grabbed my head and kissed my forehead. 

" I love you. You're free now. I hope you'll find your heart desires."

"You can make it. You are a strong woman!"

He then went to his car still with no emotions, and drove away from where I stood. From afar, I then took my last strength to drive away. 

I finally gained my independence from that morning. The freedom that I ached for, that it took me so long to form a strength to get.  It felt like, I got out from the chaos of a heavy traffic, and when given a cleared road, It also gave me a crystal of breath that I drove freely away from it. It did felt great! I never felt so free until that day. 

Although, It was the most painful goodbye I ever had to say. A goodbye that my soul didn't want but needed. Maturity leaps to places that needs your utmost bravery for growth is pain in the ass. Without it is an end of you. Attaining growth is a never ending struggle, you get twisted from inside out, and you're never the same again for growth is a compass of awakening yourself to love above and beyond farther away from your ego and it also governs to destroy the old you, and undo you, to make the best of who you are in this lifetime.

I then, walked into my new beautiful home. I saw heavens from where I am at, it was exact place where I wanted to be. For among my lost, I gained a home for myself to rescue me of my heartbreak.

Howbeit, at that moment, I stepped in, I couldn't feel anything. I got so numb of the pain and felt really scared.  Living a new life that I have no idea how to live with, was really terrifying. I was so used of living with Jam, so used of my security and comfort with him, that getting out of it and living on my own, totally caused me a lot of anxieties and had worn me down. 

However,  I remembered the night before I left home. The prayers we shared. 

The prayers of wisdom and strength. 

I was on bed with Jam and we knew that was going to be our last night as a Married Couple. We felt our pain in the silence of the night,We didn't know what to say to each other. I grabbed his left hand from my right side of hand, and He held it so tightly. 

I then whispered into his ears. "Let's pray"

"God. By tomorrow, We are going on our separate ways. I ask one thing. Please, walk with us as we are going through this separation. I know, its never going to be easy, along the way, we are going to be like a rubber bands, pulling in and out still in our lives, not knowing when to really let go, for the attachments and the fear of letting go would still be plaguing us, day in and day out. In fact, This isn't over yet for there would still be pain along the way, but please don't let hatred control over our lives. Let our anguish be light, even if it would be too much to handle when face with. I hope we can withstand it and fight for it.

We are abiding you through what you asked from us, even if, giving up this relationship that you yourself had lovingly formed. Give us peace as we are walking on our individual journey, your graces be upon us.  I have a big cracked on my head God, and a wound in my soul and a lost one, and I don't have any answers to all of my questions as of right now for you have those answers. And those answers will only be given to me as time will pass us by.

When the daylight comes by tomorrow, my journey on my own would begin. I have my strength enough for me to step out, and enough for my husband to accept. I know the rest would be from yours. God, If you are here listening with us. I don't intend to ask too much from me, but please take care of him, as much as you will take care of me. 

We trust on your will and we follow on those, for you know the bigger picture than our eyes can see. It hurt letting go of something that is so hard to let go of and what excruciating me is  I'm the one who is causing it to happen, but I refused to drag my husband to the darkness I am in, I am not going to allow him anymore to endure being inflicted by me. I need to go for I know you are calling me, and He needs to listen for you are going to stay with him. 

Whatever path you will lead us from this day on, I will take it as how it is. As for my husband, please be with him at all time specially when He is by himself, alone, angry and hurt, which I know you will. Please make us understand that whatever is lost, that we'll definitely gain something great out of it, not on the external part, but inwardly. 

I don't have anything to say anymore, I'm so tired, for all I can hear is the sorrow of our soul."

Jam squeezed my hand and said this prayer:

"God, Please listen to my wife's prayer".

I had gone away for more than a year now. Given, Jam and I are still invisible yet visible to each other for we can't really control time of when to really say Goodbye. That is God job, not ours. Because, in true love there is no such thing as goodbye. As you evolve yourself, changes experiences, and grow with it, True love always remains. Time doesn't even exist in that space.

Goodbye is just a form of "Hey, I am letting you go so you can enjoy and experience more of life without tangled by my ego." But, what goodbye really means is that, you give that person a freedom to breath and be human. Letting that person enjoy life without its judgement and letting himself grow so He can manifest himself to be Who He really is as an individual."

In relationships, When someone say goodbye to us out of their own misery, we tend to beat that person. We chop  them down until they get drown, because we never really love them. We thought we did, but all along without knowing, out of our ignorance, it was all our ego who said "I love you". It was never real because We never understood why their actions and behaviors caused us pain that we become hateful towards them and that it's where our Agony comes from.  True love, accepted that you are hurt but still genuinely embraces that person, blesses him, and move farther away so He can breathe and can be able to enjoy his existence with his imperfection. 

By God's graces, the care we have for each other have never gone astray. It wasn't an easy road but we both had endured and survived being alone, out of each other lives. After all, we had grown to appreciate and enjoy our life being on our own. Jam was able to shine more and able to face himself realizing his greatness without my shadow. His thoughts before of maybe not able to survive without my presence vanished in the thin air that He can now tell me on my face. 

"If we ever have the chance to go back to each other's lives, I would never love you anymore, like I used to love you."

It brought beautiful smile on my face for I know in that instant He finally able to learn how to love himself. He found boundaries. 

Saying goodbye is really crucial. It is one of the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone's life, that all we wanted to do is die with it and be forgotten. But I have learned that it may be the cruelest thing in the world but it is actually the best thing that could ever happen to those brave individuals, who has the courage to step out, because it gives us absolute access to open our lives to the world and its new beginnings,  to have a more fulfilling life, as well as gives enhancement for ourselves to evolve more into our existence. 

As for myself, I have loosen up and gone through an adventures that made me know myself more. I never held myself back anymore from anything that could happen. I opened myself to the universe without any judgement. I embraced my fear and became fearless. 

After that day I left, I gained the one thing that was most important to me; I regained back my power as a woman. I didn't know I could do it, but I did it. I had given up my comfort and security. I left naked. I was so cold and afraid.  Yet, God clothed me his veil of protection.  He becomes my refuge and I was covered upon his graces. He had safeguard me from any harm that could fall upon me. I was followed by Angels. Trust me it wasn't an easy road. I lost bucket of tears, I even lost my soul. But, because of the covenant He bestowed on me. I was delivered by his salvation.

                                                           

I always hears his voice whenever I'm weeping.

"My child, My child, My precious Child. I am here."

"I can only comfort you through my holy spirit, for you need to go through this. You will understand me when the time comes for this pain is essential for your soul for I would need you. I would need your heart and your beautiful spirit, for you my child is my precious Angel. But, Don't be weary for even in the midst of your trouble. The Angel that I assigned for you will always come rescue you for my graces will always follow you."

God used my deficiency and the crack in my head, so He can heal me with his unconditional love. God took me away from my marriage, so He can walk alone with me. For within my isolation, I had formed a wonderful relationship with God. He taught me what unconditional love and imparted me knowledge of how to use it in reality. Being on my own, I've realized my purpose and I needed to be alone to fulfill it. I had to detach from my own physical being, so I can render the will of God. I had to unplanned my life and let God plan it, and in doing so, I had to forget half of my own existence so I can find the missing half of it to become whole again.

If I didn't overcome my fear and stayed in the comfort of my marriage. I wouldn't be sculpted as a woman I am right now. A woman who is now capable to love beyond any boundaries, and a woman who now able to love this world, this life and humanity as how it is. God molded me to be a well grounded, balanced and a centered woman. I'm finally able to accept and embrace that I am a flawed creature and will always be and that not everything in life has to be perfect, for my imperfection made me perfect and my mess became a message. 

Being alone, I was able to open my life to life. I was able to touch lives, I become my own healer and I became a blessing to some, and some became my blessings. The beautiful light of my spirit outshine the worst part of my being. 

Without any doubt, Jam will always loves me no matter how life would turn out for us, for his love is the reflection of God's love for me. Love that overlooks failings and a love that only see the goodness of a soul in a flawed body. Although, that love will be a different kind of love now, because Jam have finally learned what true love really is. The moment He had set me free, I knew from there, He had truly love me in beyond.

                                                           

I was missing my rebellious soul,  I was desperately searching for her, I thought I lost her, but, all along, my soul has been waiting for me right on the edge of the peak of the mountain. She shouted at me, "You brave girl! You made it!! You found me!!" Our joy was immensely felt. 
                                                           
                                                                        

Excitement overflowed, for my soul wanted me to unravel the beauty of the world with its impurities, and now that we found each other and became one, I feel complete, mightier and stronger. I can now able to conquer the world for I know my soul will lead me to the people who will assist and help me manifest the will of God and accomplish it while I am still breathing. I had been enlightened by God, and I see the world like a beautiful abstract painting. I don't need to touch it, all I need is to enjoy the mystery behind it and believed on my enormous faith that the painter who created it, painted it with so much love.  

You Made Me Feel Brand New! (New York City)

                                                                                                                                    

Oh New York! I felt vitality, independence and womanhood in the city! I felt sense of freedom! The neurosis in the air, the jam of traffic, the high end buildings, the busyness of the street, the noises, the hustle bustle of the crowd, the food, it totally made me felt alive and empowered as a woman! Oh New York, I've never felt so beautiful until I had the chance to savor your glamorous beauty! You  had so much power that lighted my being! It was the exact place where I wanted to be as a single beautiful woman! I totally love how emotional, irrational, and chaotic the city, it's a like great woman; full of life and total mystery! 

It's the city where I can be frozen of my bliss and nobody would notice! I plunged into a tunnel under your city, with its lining pipes and wires, I was out of the womb and into the birth canal! I felt like I was born again into the most beautiful woman I could ever been! It is in the city where I can smell roses and decayed garbage at the same time yet I still find it extraordinary addicting! There is no place like yours with an atom of its glory, pride and exultancy, I grew drunk with ecstasy.  It is such a beautiful catastrophe.  Oh New York, you'd captive me, that I just wanted to keep walking down the ebb and flow of the street and feeling immaculately patchy flawless!

Oh, it made me revive that bliss delight of being in New York! Time to wake up from that lucid memory. I was invited to one of my best friend's wedding. I was super excited about it for I could  finally felt that kind of joy and excitement that some people felt when they visit New York!

It wasn't just about the celebration of Love that I was excited for, it was also the re-connection and celebration of friendship that I was looking forward to.

It was such a delight when I saw one of my best friend back in my childhood years when I arrived in New York! It had been ton of years that we haven't seen each other, I had such ample fond memories with her. Both of us were so much alike back in the days, we were very ambitious little girls, that is why we got along so well because we shared so much imaginations in our poor little world and who could have thought that 20 years had passed, those formed thoughts of ours manifested and saw each other again not just in any place of the world but in NEW YORK!!! The land of beauty and ambition!!

Other than that, I was also able to re-connect and reunited with my best friends. I formed my friendship with them since the beginning of my life here in the states and that was 6 years ago,  that foundation of friendship that we've built along the years have never faded away even though our lives have evolved, changed and separated in distance. It remained firmed and true, And, being reunited in New York brought so much happiness in me! Though, we haven't seen each other for awhile but nothing had changed! The die-hard-tummy silly shallow laughter was still there and the never-ending bickering, and of course, our love for each other was totally felt. 

And of course, being there, I also celebrated the festivity of new formed friendship

The most especial event is the celebration of Love!

I felt emotional watching Ate Beng married for who could have thought that her dream to marry the man of her dreams would ever come true! It took her quite a long time to find the man of her dreams. The single life she had enjoyed had finally reached its end. I was part of that story when Ate Beng was still alone, wishing and pondering of that unknown man if he ever existed and at the same time enjoying her independence and freedom.

I heard a story from her own lips that being single is not all the way fun, at some point in our life, we needed that someone who can complete us, the need to love and be loved. A backbone to share our happy and sad moments.

Ate Beng definitely had a lot of time to love herself, too much time! of course, it is the perks of being in a single world, and she did had the best single time of her life! She gave herself a lot of time to be available to her friends and family and devout her alone time loving God and building a foundation on her faith to him and gave most of her love and time to the people around her. She never wasted any bit of her time being bitter because her knight and shining armor got stuck in the heavy traffic. Instead; she used her time wisely to be the best woman she could be.

She was never desperate to find her true love; she waited patiently until Chris showed up on her doorstep! The perfect man, who appeared out of nowhere, and that man turned out to be her husband now, who will take care of her for the rest of her life!

God always has a perfect timing for everything because look at her; she is now a happy married bee! So women on their 40's who could not remember any more of how long they have been single, never lose hopes okay? This woman is a true testimony that you will get yours too as long you have the courage to wait and patient enough to trust God's way!

I tried to catch a flower from the bride but failed! Not my time yet! Lol 

I had so much fun on the wedding.....

The housewives of Atlanta except myself strolled down the busy street of New York. While walking, these happily married women taught me that as long as you find that one man that really matches your happiness. You'll be truly blessed by a happy marriage! I see them as an inspirations; their husbands truly adore and love each one of them. Yeah, while they were in New York enjoying their space! The husbands were at home in Atlanta feeding their babies and being all supportive! 

I wish one day; I could be in that place where they are in their lives, happy and contented of the family they had built for themselves! I could never forget that walk for they made me see the true value of what a family looks like for a true woman really means. I want to be a happy wife like them, A loving wife and a loving mother. In God's right time, hopefully, I will be as happy as they are, but, before I'll get there, I need to be like Ate Beng when she was still single! fix me and work on myself to be a wonderful woman so I can catch a wonderful man that would give me a wonderful home to be in that happiest place of my life!

As a single independent woman, I have truly learned what true happiness really entails in our lives. Single or married, I have learned that I must love myself first before I'll seek to love any man because If I want to be in that happily married category. I really need to know what I really want as a single person, how complete I am and what can make me truly happy because if I don't know those things, How can I extend that love to a man? or to anybody around who loves me? 

Not only that, when you are truly happy within yourself. You'll never be desperate enough to find any man to fill that void in your life. You will have better judgement of who you allow to be with you. You'll never expect anything in life rather than just being yourself and being alone will never feel empty and lonely. Being happy within will guarantee you to be contented of what's already in your hand. 

There are people that are meant to be single, but they are happy as can be because they already have found that love that they needed to find and that is the love they have for themselves. But of course, It's a totally different story when you have a partner whose there for you and loves you, it makes your world a beautiful place to live. However, Everything is always up to God because He is the only one who can give us that grace to find that one true love that will add color to our lives. 

Oh, New York! Thank You for the incredible experience! I left my wishes in your city, and I felt so great for I am not expecting that those wishes will be granted, Yet, I believe and I have faith that those little wishes will touch me in ways that I would be able to make me happy!!!

What Just Happened?

I woke up with a super insane dream; I don't want to miss it. I want to write it down before I will forget because this is somewhat kind of important to me because maybe I died during my sleep.

I was inside this normal magical kind of palace; it wasn't fancy one, but its huge. We were watching choir opera, and  I  saw some of my dead relative spirits. I think I was surrounded with dead people in the audience. We were smiling at each other; they looked happy and pleased and just total peace. 

Then, I was called to join the choir, So I walked going to the stage and saw this huge gold metal thin stairs. So I climbed it, and when I reached  the top of stairs, I couldn't enter. A man came up to me from the stage; He was trying to help me, we were kind of wrestling because from key to key, I could not come in. Every key had this blast of energy that pushed me away from the stairs; I couldn't breathe, So I had to hold so tight so I wouldn't fall.

                                                       

When the last bronze type of key showed up, the guy suddenly blurted out "Oh, You're an Arcangel! You can't come in yet!"

I fell to this huge ass dirty river, and I woke up so thirsty! 

After my mind, were settled down; I was just completely dumbfounded that I have to rethink everything that had happened to me in a dream.

Did I died? Who knows, right? I can only wonder. If It's only a dream. What's up with my dream? It's kinda bizarre. 

What Love Is For?

I was about to sleep on my couch when this song played "That's What Love Is For" by Amy Grant

My mind suddenly wandered and found myself grinning. The song is so beautiful that I have to repeat it over and over again. It's so comforting that I can feel my own heart smiling.

"Melt our defenses bring us back to our senses" 

I need to get back to my senses and melt my defenses.

Oh LOVE.......

What is love? I've built a wall around my heart that enabled me to keep my emotions at bay and to avoid pain.

Unbeknownst to me, I gained the one thing that I had been running away from. PAIN.

Love gave me genuine love but because of my defenses it backfired to me.

Growing up, I was always alone or in the shadow of my close friends, hiding myself away from the world of romantic love and avoiding relationships just because I was scared of feeling the kind of love that makes you addicted to pain, at least that was I thought at that time.

I was always just musing of  an unknown man who doesn't even exist in my real world. Just to avoid the painful truth of getting hurt. I was okay daydreaming because it was safe and at least the pain is not going to show up and stab my heart.

And because of those defenses,  I ended up being the one who stabbed hearts. I never even realized that I was doing it unconsciously and never really hit me hard until I saw the man I married bleed pain because of me.

One emotional night I remembered that left us both crying when He said;

"YOU DON'T F**NG KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! AND YOU WOULD NEVER F**NG UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE NOT EVEN WITH ME SO DON'T F**NG TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THAT IS A F**NG BULLSHIT!!!"

I could never forget those words. It pierced right through my heart. I didn't know how to love right, and it haunted me in my own relationship that had broken my marriage and had totally fractured me. And karma does has its ways to polished you for some heart-wrenching lessons and squeeze you up and down and extracts you until you drown into depression. Yes, I was indeed in the period of grief and misery that tossed me around on a tidal wave of my hysterical emotions in darkness and placed me in the emotional torture chamber.

Thus, I see a little light now coming my way out from the tunnel I am in. My heartbeat is slowly palpitating in its normal beating; healing is penetrating and its on the way to being healed. I am trying to be my own healer. Who else can heal me? It's only me for God can't assist my healing if I am not going to start doing it myself. I am determined to put my heart to function normally, without fears, where only love resides.

I want to fall in love so bad, like you don't have any idea how much I've wanted to be intoxicated of such bliss. I want to be lost in that magical feeling. I want to be completely overwhelmed by a rush of excitement laced with romance. I want to feel that happiness that only "In love" people can understand and comprehend. I want to smile and giggle just because I am In love. I want to feel that pure joy whenever you think of that person you're in love with. I want to feel that bounce of mixed emotions between exhilaration and euphoria and this time I want to feel that affliction of pain that comes with it too!

My heart is slowly apprehending that in order for me to capture the essence of love is to be vulnerable to anything that shadowed the act of loving, in other words, not only I have to take the beautiful side of it, but also the icky worms that crawl with it too. I have to be in between so I would know my capabilities of loving.

The fantasy of romance that I so long to infuse myself in is really dispensable for how can I be experiencing such paradise when I locked myself in the prison of delusions. All of these emotions are pure illusions in my sight yet, I earnestly desire for it that took me away from my marriage and drawn me into my own internal retreat.

Hence, I see my heart. Truth - it is wounded- and I feel the need to rush to it and nurture it first before anything else. For how can I glean love when my own heart is broken? How can I ask love when my heart couldn't even give one? I need (not want) to be in love in the right and healthy way but before I could even reach that peak of bliss and experience that kind of miracle. I need to work so hard of taking care of my own heart and loving it to the fullest because it's only through it that I can open myself widely for a man to be safe in my own hands without hurting him.

Yes, I want to be in that shallow romantic fantasy of love. However, Real love is something we experience and learn from, not something we do to get something out from it. For entering into the realm of sheer bliss, I have to connect with myself and fall In love with  me first. The moment I do that, then, it will be the moment that I would have my freedom. Freedom that would allow me to embrace anybody whom I come across to, without expectations and judgement from my part. Furthermore, When I would finally feel secure of my own self without my fears haunting me in the night, then it would also be the time that I'll be able to accept, love, treasure and celebrate anybody for who they are as a person

I believe that one day God's love for me will manifest to the man he will send in my life. A man who will brighten my day and will bring a genuine smile on my face and a man who is capable of bringing out the best of what I already have. I am not expecting that He will be the greatest and the most wonderful man in the world that would totally sweep me off my feet for I know whoever the man whom God will send in my life, is meant to be loved by me whether Its going to stay with me for a short period of time or for till death do us part.

I am not going to put any conditions for true love doesn't see it that way for I believe that anybody can come in and leave your life whenever and however they want for love doesn't hold you back. Love doesn't ask you stay if its time for you to go, for if the relationship ends, love makes you understand that its always for the best for the both of you because if it's not working then It's not meant to. Love let you go and let you experience another adventure of your life to help you grow as a person even if you're not going be part of that new journey.

I promised God that I'll take care of any man He will send in my life properly and love him the way He should be loved; I will treat him like a bird, appreciates his beauty and allowing his freedom to be human. I would love and accept everything about him, not just the great side of him, but his flaws that follow with him as well, his limitations, his inadequacy, his insecurities, his wound and his pain.

My brokenness and crack as a woman helped me understand that we fall short all the time. The men who had loved me in history, made me discerned the value of acceptance of one's flaws and what Love is really all about.

Love is freedom. Love is letting the person be who He is and still accept him for every baggage He has. Love doesn't require to love back, its not a trade in transactions, "I love you, you need to love me too" Love needs to be given. Wholeheartedly. Freely. Without asking back in return, if its returned then all you can do is appreciate it and be grateful no matter how little it is, because love only gives and you just give and give.

Love peacefully watch you from afar, on the side ways, on the front and back without imploring you to change to benefit anyone's needs, wants and expectations. Love is a celebration for who you are. Love encourages and assists you to be a better version of yourself without trying to manipulate you to be someone else you're not just because your partner wants to mold you into an image that they want to have with you just to feed their selfishness to be happy.

Love endures and Love gives you the permission to be human. Love embraces you without restrictions. Love unveils the best part of you and Loves watch you evolve and grow into the realization of your own greatest potentials. Love touches lovingly, the mask you're wearing and not force you to separate it from you for Love can still see and embrace the rotten person underneath the mask for with or without it, Love doesn't judge nor condemns. Love snuggles you instead with a lot of affections. Love is a gift, and it became a miracle when two people feel the same way and unites as one.

How wonderful it is to fall in love with a person who reciprocates your feelings too. Two people who look at the world through the same eyes and beat hearts as one; devoted to each other and being true to their path and themselves as well as being intimate with each other, such a beautiful blessing and its so wonderful to take care of it if you're one of the people who have been blessed by it. It's a rarity to have those, its a gift from heavens that no amount of money can ever pay.

I am imperfect and definitely impaired as an individual but I have the capacity to love you for who you are. I can empathize and understand you for I have learned how to be grateful for every human being who walks in this earth whose defective just like me too.

So I would never look for the perfect man to love me. I want to love him instead. If I want to fall in love, I still want to fall in love with whom God chooses for me, A man whose beyond perfect for his imperfections. That is why, I will try to be the best of me so I can assist and love that man in the right way and boost him up to bring out the best of him too and allows his strengths to shine.

Finding the right man or woman is never a guarantee for a lifetime happiness for we all learn from each other and we all fail, but finding the right way to love for every person that passes your way guaranteed you to true happiness. Besides, finding that special person who fits for your life that would make you extra happy is just simply an icing on the cake.

Trust me, I wanted what you want too, finding that one person that makes living in this earth a better place to live but I am not going to expect anyone or get attached to any outcome to find it because that is God's job, not mine. 

The man whom God will send in my life will fall into my hands like a light white feather, easy and breezy; Yet, until that day arrives, I will try my best to be the most beautiful woman I can ever be. I will destroy the dark walls that surround my heart and nurse myself back to health. I will drop my defenses, destroy my ego, shut down my fears and remove the scabs that cover my cuts and allow the fresh air of spirit to heal them, and I will keep myself open, I will keep laughing and will keep dancing in the center of my own life, so I can attract the man of my dreams to fall, not into my hands but right straight into my heart. 

I'm really scared to touch love, but how will I know the beauty of falling in love if I'm not even going to try to jump on it. So I'll jump and I'll see where it will take me and I'll start it with my leap of faith!


"That is what love is for!
to help us through it
That is what love is for
Nothing else can do it.

Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for"

Beautiful song!