Touching God's Cloak

The chapel looked as peaceful and serene as always. I peeked inside if anyone was around. An old familiar woman was busy praying the rosary. I sat on the back side of the room. I usually sit in one of the middle of the benches. But this day, I find the back seat more comfortable.

When I landed on the bench, I felt relaxed and comforted. It's been awhile since I last visited the Blessed Sacrament. I got loaded with work and I just didn't have that much time to make a visitation.

I love coming here, this is the only place where I shut down my reality and unload every burden that I am feeling inside. I find peace within me that I couldn't find when I'm outside. I feel clean, loved and nurtured by him.

The last time I was here, I was an emotional wreck. I was just crying and crying cause I couldn't control my emotions and my senses. It was out of control. I was too distressed of the things that I can't control.

This time it's a little different. I felt different. I felt more better than before. I felt more relax and at peace.

In spite of that , I know I still have a lot of fears that I am keeping inside. The fears that have been paralyzing me to do what is necessary for my well being. The stress, anxieties, uncertainties, I feel suffocated. Just the thought of being alone in the future and leaving behind my comfort gives me a panic attack.

"Oh lord I couldn't deny the fact that I am still having a cold feet."

It's like a grasp of winds made my head turned to the mosaic beside me.

            "Believe"

Underneath is a picture of a frightened girl who's trying to grab Jesus cloak for comfort and strength. I feel like I embodied that girl in so many angle. The depth of my adversity within my soul is gleaming that I don't want God to leave my side. I'm yearning for his help and guidance.

It's just that all these fears have been lurking beneath my thoughts and its holding me back. It's keeping me trapped within my own prison bars. I am trying not to manipulate my mind too much with false sense of confidence because it's unwittingly allowed my guilt to wrap up in my soul, leaving me hopeless and weak and so dizzy. I need to stop the merry-go-round and just jump off and just let the universe work it's way of what's meant to be.

I looked at the Sacrament and closed my eyes. I could feel the breeze of comforting air on my skin. I smelled fresh scent of flower that slowly absorbed in the midst of my soul that calmed down all the surge of storm within me.

"You're gonna be fine. I have in store for you. Just do your part and be strong."

When I opened my eyes, a birth of hope strenghten me..In case you are wondering why I am going through these. Let me tell you something a little bit about it.

I'm at the phase of my life where I am closing a chapter. The thought of it makes my heart squeezed so tight that it hurts.  It's so hard for me because I will be stepping into the "Unknown". Leaving all my comfort behind and leaving one person who is a big part of me.

After my trip to the Philippines. I will be making a decision that will change my life. Either for the worst or for the better. I'm still not there yet but I am already grieving. Something in me change, that requires me to leave for If I may not do so. I am not going to be fair for the man I care about and for myself.

I'm scared but "When it's God's will. It's God's will." We can never say No to whatever God's wants us to do. So when the day comes that I'll finally make a decision, whatever it will be. That would be God's will for me and I'll follow it.

I still have my faith that God will carry me through my struggles, like He always do. He wil be there and He will work behind the scenes just to make sure that I am going to be okay. Not only I believe it. I trust it.

After all, God's plan are better than my plan. He knows what's best for me and what's best for everybody. So all I can do is float and trust to where it is going to take me.

Before I left, I lighted a candle for myself, for Jam and for my future.

"God I'll see you on my tough times and my struggles that is coming. I'm ready. Promise, I will be strong and I will not stumble and I'll try not to cry. I'll go to the storm with you for I know when the storm is over. Rainbows are gonna be shining over me."
 

 A new found peace radiated my soul that I couldn't contain myself from smiling and it felt really good :)
 































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A journey that starts from here

This is it!  Opening my life is quite challenging and to even start writing it gives me a little chills on the back of my neck.

Where do I start? What is this all about? Why would I choose to share a little part of my life to the world when really; Who cares?? It's really nothing special, but maybe some of you can take something good out of it. 

I am not a good story teller and add to that, I am not a gifted writer either.

I need to be honest, At this moment, while I am writing, my head is spinning and my brain is kinda building up of what we called a "mental pressure".

This is what I don't like when I start writing. All these  "Think, translate to english, pause, type, erase, type again, erase, think again and pause, type and erase again."

If you can only see; My brain is actually bleeding inside and it's about to explode.

I guess the reason why I wanted to share a little bit of me is because I'm at the point of my life now where I feel the need to share something and I want you to understand that being real and true to ourselves doesn't make you indifferent.

I know it's never good to open up your life to anybody not even to the world. It's always better to just keep it to yourself or just keep it hidden somewhere in the woods of Mount Everest.

It's the law of nature that once you open your book to other people to explore and read, You are basically giving them the go signal to judge you as an individual and not only that you are also allowing them to see your scars, cuts and wounds.

When we are naked, that is where we are vulnerable to criticism and judgement. Some people would appreciate and admire you and some would hate you and just wouldn't understand you at all.

Funny as it sounds yet this is the world we live in, take it or leave it. People would always react in a different way and it's up to you how you are going to take it.

As for my decision to write and share about me. In some way, I am opening my doors to you and It's up to you too of how you are going to take it. 

I am not perfect, just like my writing, everything is out of place. I guess you already noticed it. Yet I am trying my best to write as effectively and as good as possible so you can understand it at least. It's not gonna be perfect but I will try to accept my flaws in writing, just like how I accept my flaws in life so I can help some people to understand that life doesn't need to live it perfectly  and that you don't need to be perfect to write a beautiful story of your life. 

But as the law of human nature, I will try not to open my doors too wide. Some I will keep it hidden and some I will give it away. For a reason that there are things in  life that it's not ready yet.

At the right given time, when it's my time to get out of my cocoon, that is where I am going to tell you my story as a whole of why and how that butterfly came out so beautifully!!!

While I'm still inside, I'll take you to my journey with me and I hope you will learn something out of it and maybe I can learn something about you too that you can share it with me. 

So hold my hand so tight and follow my growth inside a cocoon..........I'll take you to a journey that will make you grow as well and will turn you into a beautiful butterfly too.