You Made Me Feel Brand New! (New York City)

                                                                                                                                    

Oh New York! I felt vitality, independence and womanhood in the city! I felt sense of freedom! The neurosis in the air, the jam of traffic, the high end buildings, the busyness of the street, the noises, the hustle bustle of the crowd, the food, it totally made me felt alive and empowered as a woman! Oh New York, I've never felt so beautiful until I had the chance to savor your glamorous beauty! You  had so much power that lighted my being! It was the exact place where I wanted to be as a single beautiful woman! I totally love how emotional, irrational, and chaotic the city, it's a like great woman; full of life and total mystery! 

It's the city where I can be frozen of my bliss and nobody would notice! I plunged into a tunnel under your city, with its lining pipes and wires, I was out of the womb and into the birth canal! I felt like I was born again into the most beautiful woman I could ever been! It is in the city where I can smell roses and decayed garbage at the same time yet I still find it extraordinary addicting! There is no place like yours with an atom of its glory, pride and exultancy, I grew drunk with ecstasy.  It is such a beautiful catastrophe.  Oh New York, you'd captive me, that I just wanted to keep walking down the ebb and flow of the street and feeling immaculately patchy flawless!

Oh, it made me revive that bliss delight of being in New York! Time to wake up from that lucid memory. I was invited to one of my best friend's wedding. I was super excited about it for I could  finally felt that kind of joy and excitement that some people felt when they visit New York!

It wasn't just about the celebration of Love that I was excited for, it was also the re-connection and celebration of friendship that I was looking forward to.

It was such a delight when I saw one of my best friend back in my childhood years when I arrived in New York! It had been ton of years that we haven't seen each other, I had such ample fond memories with her. Both of us were so much alike back in the days, we were very ambitious little girls, that is why we got along so well because we shared so much imaginations in our poor little world and who could have thought that 20 years had passed, those formed thoughts of ours manifested and saw each other again not just in any place of the world but in NEW YORK!!! The land of beauty and ambition!!

Other than that, I was also able to re-connect and reunited with my best friends. I formed my friendship with them since the beginning of my life here in the states and that was 6 years ago,  that foundation of friendship that we've built along the years have never faded away even though our lives have evolved, changed and separated in distance. It remained firmed and true, And, being reunited in New York brought so much happiness in me! Though, we haven't seen each other for awhile but nothing had changed! The die-hard-tummy silly shallow laughter was still there and the never-ending bickering, and of course, our love for each other was totally felt. 

And of course, being there, I also celebrated the festivity of new formed friendship

The most especial event is the celebration of Love!

I felt emotional watching Ate Beng married for who could have thought that her dream to marry the man of her dreams would ever come true! It took her quite a long time to find the man of her dreams. The single life she had enjoyed had finally reached its end. I was part of that story when Ate Beng was still alone, wishing and pondering of that unknown man if he ever existed and at the same time enjoying her independence and freedom.

I heard a story from her own lips that being single is not all the way fun, at some point in our life, we needed that someone who can complete us, the need to love and be loved. A backbone to share our happy and sad moments.

Ate Beng definitely had a lot of time to love herself, too much time! of course, it is the perks of being in a single world, and she did had the best single time of her life! She gave herself a lot of time to be available to her friends and family and devout her alone time loving God and building a foundation on her faith to him and gave most of her love and time to the people around her. She never wasted any bit of her time being bitter because her knight and shining armor got stuck in the heavy traffic. Instead; she used her time wisely to be the best woman she could be.

She was never desperate to find her true love; she waited patiently until Chris showed up on her doorstep! The perfect man, who appeared out of nowhere, and that man turned out to be her husband now, who will take care of her for the rest of her life!

God always has a perfect timing for everything because look at her; she is now a happy married bee! So women on their 40's who could not remember any more of how long they have been single, never lose hopes okay? This woman is a true testimony that you will get yours too as long you have the courage to wait and patient enough to trust God's way!

I tried to catch a flower from the bride but failed! Not my time yet! Lol 

I had so much fun on the wedding.....

The housewives of Atlanta except myself strolled down the busy street of New York. While walking, these happily married women taught me that as long as you find that one man that really matches your happiness. You'll be truly blessed by a happy marriage! I see them as an inspirations; their husbands truly adore and love each one of them. Yeah, while they were in New York enjoying their space! The husbands were at home in Atlanta feeding their babies and being all supportive! 

I wish one day; I could be in that place where they are in their lives, happy and contented of the family they had built for themselves! I could never forget that walk for they made me see the true value of what a family looks like for a true woman really means. I want to be a happy wife like them, A loving wife and a loving mother. In God's right time, hopefully, I will be as happy as they are, but, before I'll get there, I need to be like Ate Beng when she was still single! fix me and work on myself to be a wonderful woman so I can catch a wonderful man that would give me a wonderful home to be in that happiest place of my life!

As a single independent woman, I have truly learned what true happiness really entails in our lives. Single or married, I have learned that I must love myself first before I'll seek to love any man because If I want to be in that happily married category. I really need to know what I really want as a single person, how complete I am and what can make me truly happy because if I don't know those things, How can I extend that love to a man? or to anybody around who loves me? 

Not only that, when you are truly happy within yourself. You'll never be desperate enough to find any man to fill that void in your life. You will have better judgement of who you allow to be with you. You'll never expect anything in life rather than just being yourself and being alone will never feel empty and lonely. Being happy within will guarantee you to be contented of what's already in your hand. 

There are people that are meant to be single, but they are happy as can be because they already have found that love that they needed to find and that is the love they have for themselves. But of course, It's a totally different story when you have a partner whose there for you and loves you, it makes your world a beautiful place to live. However, Everything is always up to God because He is the only one who can give us that grace to find that one true love that will add color to our lives. 

Oh, New York! Thank You for the incredible experience! I left my wishes in your city, and I felt so great for I am not expecting that those wishes will be granted, Yet, I believe and I have faith that those little wishes will touch me in ways that I would be able to make me happy!!!

What Just Happened?

I woke up with a super insane dream; I don't want to miss it. I want to write it down before I will forget because this is somewhat kind of important to me because maybe I died during my sleep.

I was inside this normal magical kind of palace; it wasn't fancy one, but its huge. We were watching choir opera, and  I  saw some of my dead relative spirits. I think I was surrounded with dead people in the audience. We were smiling at each other; they looked happy and pleased and just total peace. 

Then, I was called to join the choir, So I walked going to the stage and saw this huge gold metal thin stairs. So I climbed it, and when I reached  the top of stairs, I couldn't enter. A man came up to me from the stage; He was trying to help me, we were kind of wrestling because from key to key, I could not come in. Every key had this blast of energy that pushed me away from the stairs; I couldn't breathe, So I had to hold so tight so I wouldn't fall.

                                                       

When the last bronze type of key showed up, the guy suddenly blurted out "Oh, You're an Arcangel! You can't come in yet!"

I fell to this huge ass dirty river, and I woke up so thirsty! 

After my mind, were settled down; I was just completely dumbfounded that I have to rethink everything that had happened to me in a dream.

Did I died? Who knows, right? I can only wonder. If It's only a dream. What's up with my dream? It's kinda bizarre. 

What Love Is For?

I was about to sleep on my couch when this song played "That's What Love Is For" by Amy Grant

My mind suddenly wandered and found myself grinning. The song is so beautiful that I have to repeat it over and over again. It's so comforting that I can feel my own heart smiling.

"Melt our defenses bring us back to our senses" 

I need to get back to my senses and melt my defenses.

Oh LOVE.......

What is love? I've built a wall around my heart that enabled me to keep my emotions at bay and to avoid pain.

Unbeknownst to me, I gained the one thing that I had been running away from. PAIN.

Love gave me genuine love but because of my defenses it backfired to me.

Growing up, I was always alone or in the shadow of my close friends, hiding myself away from the world of romantic love and avoiding relationships just because I was scared of feeling the kind of love that makes you addicted to pain, at least that was I thought at that time.

I was always just musing of  an unknown man who doesn't even exist in my real world. Just to avoid the painful truth of getting hurt. I was okay daydreaming because it was safe and at least the pain is not going to show up and stab my heart.

And because of those defenses,  I ended up being the one who stabbed hearts. I never even realized that I was doing it unconsciously and never really hit me hard until I saw the man I married bleed pain because of me.

One emotional night I remembered that left us both crying when He said;

"YOU DON'T F**NG KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! AND YOU WOULD NEVER F**NG UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE NOT EVEN WITH ME SO DON'T F**NG TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THAT IS A F**NG BULLSHIT!!!"

I could never forget those words. It pierced right through my heart. I didn't know how to love right, and it haunted me in my own relationship that had broken my marriage and had totally fractured me. And karma does has its ways to polished you for some heart-wrenching lessons and squeeze you up and down and extracts you until you drown into depression. Yes, I was indeed in the period of grief and misery that tossed me around on a tidal wave of my hysterical emotions in darkness and placed me in the emotional torture chamber.

Thus, I see a little light now coming my way out from the tunnel I am in. My heartbeat is slowly palpitating in its normal beating; healing is penetrating and its on the way to being healed. I am trying to be my own healer. Who else can heal me? It's only me for God can't assist my healing if I am not going to start doing it myself. I am determined to put my heart to function normally, without fears, where only love resides.

I want to fall in love so bad, like you don't have any idea how much I've wanted to be intoxicated of such bliss. I want to be lost in that magical feeling. I want to be completely overwhelmed by a rush of excitement laced with romance. I want to feel that happiness that only "In love" people can understand and comprehend. I want to smile and giggle just because I am In love. I want to feel that pure joy whenever you think of that person you're in love with. I want to feel that bounce of mixed emotions between exhilaration and euphoria and this time I want to feel that affliction of pain that comes with it too!

My heart is slowly apprehending that in order for me to capture the essence of love is to be vulnerable to anything that shadowed the act of loving, in other words, not only I have to take the beautiful side of it, but also the icky worms that crawl with it too. I have to be in between so I would know my capabilities of loving.

The fantasy of romance that I so long to infuse myself in is really dispensable for how can I be experiencing such paradise when I locked myself in the prison of delusions. All of these emotions are pure illusions in my sight yet, I earnestly desire for it that took me away from my marriage and drawn me into my own internal retreat.

Hence, I see my heart. Truth - it is wounded- and I feel the need to rush to it and nurture it first before anything else. For how can I glean love when my own heart is broken? How can I ask love when my heart couldn't even give one? I need (not want) to be in love in the right and healthy way but before I could even reach that peak of bliss and experience that kind of miracle. I need to work so hard of taking care of my own heart and loving it to the fullest because it's only through it that I can open myself widely for a man to be safe in my own hands without hurting him.

Yes, I want to be in that shallow romantic fantasy of love. However, Real love is something we experience and learn from, not something we do to get something out from it. For entering into the realm of sheer bliss, I have to connect with myself and fall In love with  me first. The moment I do that, then, it will be the moment that I would have my freedom. Freedom that would allow me to embrace anybody whom I come across to, without expectations and judgement from my part. Furthermore, When I would finally feel secure of my own self without my fears haunting me in the night, then it would also be the time that I'll be able to accept, love, treasure and celebrate anybody for who they are as a person

I believe that one day God's love for me will manifest to the man he will send in my life. A man who will brighten my day and will bring a genuine smile on my face and a man who is capable of bringing out the best of what I already have. I am not expecting that He will be the greatest and the most wonderful man in the world that would totally sweep me off my feet for I know whoever the man whom God will send in my life, is meant to be loved by me whether Its going to stay with me for a short period of time or for till death do us part.

I am not going to put any conditions for true love doesn't see it that way for I believe that anybody can come in and leave your life whenever and however they want for love doesn't hold you back. Love doesn't ask you stay if its time for you to go, for if the relationship ends, love makes you understand that its always for the best for the both of you because if it's not working then It's not meant to. Love let you go and let you experience another adventure of your life to help you grow as a person even if you're not going be part of that new journey.

I promised God that I'll take care of any man He will send in my life properly and love him the way He should be loved; I will treat him like a bird, appreciates his beauty and allowing his freedom to be human. I would love and accept everything about him, not just the great side of him, but his flaws that follow with him as well, his limitations, his inadequacy, his insecurities, his wound and his pain.

My brokenness and crack as a woman helped me understand that we fall short all the time. The men who had loved me in history, made me discerned the value of acceptance of one's flaws and what Love is really all about.

Love is freedom. Love is letting the person be who He is and still accept him for every baggage He has. Love doesn't require to love back, its not a trade in transactions, "I love you, you need to love me too" Love needs to be given. Wholeheartedly. Freely. Without asking back in return, if its returned then all you can do is appreciate it and be grateful no matter how little it is, because love only gives and you just give and give.

Love peacefully watch you from afar, on the side ways, on the front and back without imploring you to change to benefit anyone's needs, wants and expectations. Love is a celebration for who you are. Love encourages and assists you to be a better version of yourself without trying to manipulate you to be someone else you're not just because your partner wants to mold you into an image that they want to have with you just to feed their selfishness to be happy.

Love endures and Love gives you the permission to be human. Love embraces you without restrictions. Love unveils the best part of you and Loves watch you evolve and grow into the realization of your own greatest potentials. Love touches lovingly, the mask you're wearing and not force you to separate it from you for Love can still see and embrace the rotten person underneath the mask for with or without it, Love doesn't judge nor condemns. Love snuggles you instead with a lot of affections. Love is a gift, and it became a miracle when two people feel the same way and unites as one.

How wonderful it is to fall in love with a person who reciprocates your feelings too. Two people who look at the world through the same eyes and beat hearts as one; devoted to each other and being true to their path and themselves as well as being intimate with each other, such a beautiful blessing and its so wonderful to take care of it if you're one of the people who have been blessed by it. It's a rarity to have those, its a gift from heavens that no amount of money can ever pay.

I am imperfect and definitely impaired as an individual but I have the capacity to love you for who you are. I can empathize and understand you for I have learned how to be grateful for every human being who walks in this earth whose defective just like me too.

So I would never look for the perfect man to love me. I want to love him instead. If I want to fall in love, I still want to fall in love with whom God chooses for me, A man whose beyond perfect for his imperfections. That is why, I will try to be the best of me so I can assist and love that man in the right way and boost him up to bring out the best of him too and allows his strengths to shine.

Finding the right man or woman is never a guarantee for a lifetime happiness for we all learn from each other and we all fail, but finding the right way to love for every person that passes your way guaranteed you to true happiness. Besides, finding that special person who fits for your life that would make you extra happy is just simply an icing on the cake.

Trust me, I wanted what you want too, finding that one person that makes living in this earth a better place to live but I am not going to expect anyone or get attached to any outcome to find it because that is God's job, not mine. 

The man whom God will send in my life will fall into my hands like a light white feather, easy and breezy; Yet, until that day arrives, I will try my best to be the most beautiful woman I can ever be. I will destroy the dark walls that surround my heart and nurse myself back to health. I will drop my defenses, destroy my ego, shut down my fears and remove the scabs that cover my cuts and allow the fresh air of spirit to heal them, and I will keep myself open, I will keep laughing and will keep dancing in the center of my own life, so I can attract the man of my dreams to fall, not into my hands but right straight into my heart. 

I'm really scared to touch love, but how will I know the beauty of falling in love if I'm not even going to try to jump on it. So I'll jump and I'll see where it will take me and I'll start it with my leap of faith!


"That is what love is for!
to help us through it
That is what love is for
Nothing else can do it.

Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for"

Beautiful song!