My mind suddenly wandered and found myself grinning. The song is so beautiful that I have to repeat it over and over again. It's so comforting that I can feel my own heart smiling.
"Melt our defenses bring us back to our senses"
I need to get back to my senses and melt my defenses.
Oh LOVE.......
What is love? I've built a wall around my heart that enabled me to keep my emotions at bay and to avoid pain.
Unbeknownst to me, I gained the one thing that I had been running away from. PAIN.
Love gave me genuine love but because of my defenses it backfired to me.
Growing up, I was always alone or in the shadow of my close friends, hiding myself away from the world of romantic love and avoiding relationships just because I was scared of feeling the kind of love that makes you addicted to pain, at least that was I thought at that time.
I was always just musing of an unknown man who doesn't even exist in my real world. Just to avoid the painful truth of getting hurt. I was okay daydreaming because it was safe and at least the pain is not going to show up and stab my heart.
And because of those defenses, I ended up being the one who stabbed hearts. I never even realized that I was doing it unconsciously and never really hit me hard until I saw the man I married bleed pain because of me.
One emotional night I remembered that left us both crying when He said;
"YOU DON'T F**NG KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! AND YOU WOULD NEVER F**NG UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE NOT EVEN WITH ME SO DON'T F**NG TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THAT IS A F**NG BULLSHIT!!!"
I could never forget those words. It pierced right through my heart. I didn't know how to love right, and it haunted me in my own relationship that had broken my marriage and had totally fractured me. And karma does has its ways to polished you for some heart-wrenching lessons and squeeze you up and down and extracts you until you drown into depression. Yes, I was indeed in the period of grief and misery that tossed me around on a tidal wave of my hysterical emotions in darkness and placed me in the emotional torture chamber.
Thus, I see a little light now coming my way out from the tunnel I am in. My heartbeat is slowly palpitating in its normal beating; healing is penetrating and its on the way to being healed. I am trying to be my own healer. Who else can heal me? It's only me for God can't assist my healing if I am not going to start doing it myself. I am determined to put my heart to function normally, without fears, where only love resides.
I want to fall in love so bad, like you don't have any idea how much I've wanted to be intoxicated of such bliss. I want to be lost in that magical feeling. I want to be completely overwhelmed by a rush of excitement laced with romance. I want to feel that happiness that only "In love" people can understand and comprehend. I want to smile and giggle just because I am In love. I want to feel that pure joy whenever you think of that person you're in love with. I want to feel that bounce of mixed emotions between exhilaration and euphoria and this time I want to feel that affliction of pain that comes with it too!
My heart is slowly apprehending that in order for me to capture the essence of love is to be vulnerable to anything that shadowed the act of loving, in other words, not only I have to take the beautiful side of it, but also the icky worms that crawl with it too. I have to be in between so I would know my capabilities of loving.
The fantasy of romance that I so long to infuse myself in is really dispensable for how can I be experiencing such paradise when I locked myself in the prison of delusions. All of these emotions are pure illusions in my sight yet, I earnestly desire for it that took me away from my marriage and drawn me into my own internal retreat.
Hence, I see my heart. Truth - it is wounded- and I feel the need to rush to it and nurture it first before anything else. For how can I glean love when my own heart is broken? How can I ask love when my heart couldn't even give one? I need (not want) to be in love in the right and healthy way but before I could even reach that peak of bliss and experience that kind of miracle. I need to work so hard of taking care of my own heart and loving it to the fullest because it's only through it that I can open myself widely for a man to be safe in my own hands without hurting him.
Yes, I want to be in that shallow romantic fantasy of love. However, Real love is something we experience and learn from, not something we do to get something out from it. For entering into the realm of sheer bliss, I have to connect with myself and fall In love with me first. The moment I do that, then, it will be the moment that I would have my freedom. Freedom that would allow me to embrace anybody whom I come across to, without expectations and judgement from my part. Furthermore, When I would finally feel secure of my own self without my fears haunting me in the night, then it would also be the time that I'll be able to accept, love, treasure and celebrate anybody for who they are as a person
I believe that one day God's love for me will manifest to the man he will send in my life. A man who will brighten my day and will bring a genuine smile on my face and a man who is capable of bringing out the best of what I already have. I am not expecting that He will be the greatest and the most wonderful man in the world that would totally sweep me off my feet for I know whoever the man whom God will send in my life, is meant to be loved by me whether Its going to stay with me for a short period of time or for till death do us part.
I am not going to put any conditions for true love doesn't see it that way for I believe that anybody can come in and leave your life whenever and however they want for love doesn't hold you back. Love doesn't ask you stay if its time for you to go, for if the relationship ends, love makes you understand that its always for the best for the both of you because if it's not working then It's not meant to. Love let you go and let you experience another adventure of your life to help you grow as a person even if you're not going be part of that new journey.
I promised God that I'll take care of any man He will send in my life properly and love him the way He should be loved; I will treat him like a bird, appreciates his beauty and allowing his freedom to be human. I would love and accept everything about him, not just the great side of him, but his flaws that follow with him as well, his limitations, his inadequacy, his insecurities, his wound and his pain.
My brokenness and crack as a woman helped me understand that we fall short all the time. The men who had loved me in history, made me discerned the value of acceptance of one's flaws and what Love is really all about.
Love is freedom. Love is letting the person be who He is and still accept him for every baggage He has. Love doesn't require to love back, its not a trade in transactions, "I love you, you need to love me too" Love needs to be given. Wholeheartedly. Freely. Without asking back in return, if its returned then all you can do is appreciate it and be grateful no matter how little it is, because love only gives and you just give and give.
Love peacefully watch you from afar, on the side ways, on the front and back without imploring you to change to benefit anyone's needs, wants and expectations. Love is a celebration for who you are. Love encourages and assists you to be a better version of yourself without trying to manipulate you to be someone else you're not just because your partner wants to mold you into an image that they want to have with you just to feed their selfishness to be happy.
Love endures and Love gives you the permission to be human. Love embraces you without restrictions. Love unveils the best part of you and Loves watch you evolve and grow into the realization of your own greatest potentials. Love touches lovingly, the mask you're wearing and not force you to separate it from you for Love can still see and embrace the rotten person underneath the mask for with or without it, Love doesn't judge nor condemns. Love snuggles you instead with a lot of affections. Love is a gift, and it became a miracle when two people feel the same way and unites as one.
How wonderful it is to fall in love with a person who reciprocates your feelings too. Two people who look at the world through the same eyes and beat hearts as one; devoted to each other and being true to their path and themselves as well as being intimate with each other, such a beautiful blessing and its so wonderful to take care of it if you're one of the people who have been blessed by it. It's a rarity to have those, its a gift from heavens that no amount of money can ever pay.
I am imperfect and definitely impaired as an individual but I have the capacity to love you for who you are. I can empathize and understand you for I have learned how to be grateful for every human being who walks in this earth whose defective just like me too.
So I would never look for the perfect man to love me. I want to love him instead. If I want to fall in love, I still want to fall in love with whom God chooses for me, A man whose beyond perfect for his imperfections. That is why, I will try to be the best of me so I can assist and love that man in the right way and boost him up to bring out the best of him too and allows his strengths to shine.
Finding the right man or woman is never a guarantee for a lifetime happiness for we all learn from each other and we all fail, but finding the right way to love for every person that passes your way guaranteed you to true happiness. Besides, finding that special person who fits for your life that would make you extra happy is just simply an icing on the cake.
Trust me, I wanted what you want too, finding that one person that makes living in this earth a better place to live but I am not going to expect anyone or get attached to any outcome to find it because that is God's job, not mine.
The man whom God will send in my life will fall into my hands like a light white feather, easy and breezy; Yet, until that day arrives, I will try my best to be the most beautiful woman I can ever be. I will destroy the dark walls that surround my heart and nurse myself back to health. I will drop my defenses, destroy my ego, shut down my fears and remove the scabs that cover my cuts and allow the fresh air of spirit to heal them, and I will keep myself open, I will keep laughing and will keep dancing in the center of my own life, so I can attract the man of my dreams to fall, not into my hands but right straight into my heart.
I'm really scared to touch love, but how will I know the beauty of falling in love if I'm not even going to try to jump on it. So I'll jump and I'll see where it will take me and I'll start it with my leap of faith!
"That is what love is for!
to help us through it
That is what love is for
Nothing else can do it.
Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for"
Beautiful song!
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