You Made Me Feel Brand New! (New York City)

                                                                                                                                    

Oh New York! I felt vitality, independence and womanhood in the city! I felt sense of freedom! The neurosis in the air, the jam of traffic, the high end buildings, the busyness of the street, the noises, the hustle bustle of the crowd, the food, it totally made me felt alive and empowered as a woman! Oh New York, I've never felt so beautiful until I had the chance to savor your glamorous beauty! You  had so much power that lighted my being! It was the exact place where I wanted to be as a single beautiful woman! I totally love how emotional, irrational, and chaotic the city, it's a like great woman; full of life and total mystery! 

It's the city where I can be frozen of my bliss and nobody would notice! I plunged into a tunnel under your city, with its lining pipes and wires, I was out of the womb and into the birth canal! I felt like I was born again into the most beautiful woman I could ever been! It is in the city where I can smell roses and decayed garbage at the same time yet I still find it extraordinary addicting! There is no place like yours with an atom of its glory, pride and exultancy, I grew drunk with ecstasy.  It is such a beautiful catastrophe.  Oh New York, you'd captive me, that I just wanted to keep walking down the ebb and flow of the street and feeling immaculately patchy flawless!

Oh, it made me revive that bliss delight of being in New York! Time to wake up from that lucid memory. I was invited to one of my best friend's wedding. I was super excited about it for I could  finally felt that kind of joy and excitement that some people felt when they visit New York!

It wasn't just about the celebration of Love that I was excited for, it was also the re-connection and celebration of friendship that I was looking forward to.

It was such a delight when I saw one of my best friend back in my childhood years when I arrived in New York! It had been ton of years that we haven't seen each other, I had such ample fond memories with her. Both of us were so much alike back in the days, we were very ambitious little girls, that is why we got along so well because we shared so much imaginations in our poor little world and who could have thought that 20 years had passed, those formed thoughts of ours manifested and saw each other again not just in any place of the world but in NEW YORK!!! The land of beauty and ambition!!

Other than that, I was also able to re-connect and reunited with my best friends. I formed my friendship with them since the beginning of my life here in the states and that was 6 years ago,  that foundation of friendship that we've built along the years have never faded away even though our lives have evolved, changed and separated in distance. It remained firmed and true, And, being reunited in New York brought so much happiness in me! Though, we haven't seen each other for awhile but nothing had changed! The die-hard-tummy silly shallow laughter was still there and the never-ending bickering, and of course, our love for each other was totally felt. 

And of course, being there, I also celebrated the festivity of new formed friendship

The most especial event is the celebration of Love!

I felt emotional watching Ate Beng married for who could have thought that her dream to marry the man of her dreams would ever come true! It took her quite a long time to find the man of her dreams. The single life she had enjoyed had finally reached its end. I was part of that story when Ate Beng was still alone, wishing and pondering of that unknown man if he ever existed and at the same time enjoying her independence and freedom.

I heard a story from her own lips that being single is not all the way fun, at some point in our life, we needed that someone who can complete us, the need to love and be loved. A backbone to share our happy and sad moments.

Ate Beng definitely had a lot of time to love herself, too much time! of course, it is the perks of being in a single world, and she did had the best single time of her life! She gave herself a lot of time to be available to her friends and family and devout her alone time loving God and building a foundation on her faith to him and gave most of her love and time to the people around her. She never wasted any bit of her time being bitter because her knight and shining armor got stuck in the heavy traffic. Instead; she used her time wisely to be the best woman she could be.

She was never desperate to find her true love; she waited patiently until Chris showed up on her doorstep! The perfect man, who appeared out of nowhere, and that man turned out to be her husband now, who will take care of her for the rest of her life!

God always has a perfect timing for everything because look at her; she is now a happy married bee! So women on their 40's who could not remember any more of how long they have been single, never lose hopes okay? This woman is a true testimony that you will get yours too as long you have the courage to wait and patient enough to trust God's way!

I tried to catch a flower from the bride but failed! Not my time yet! Lol 

I had so much fun on the wedding.....

The housewives of Atlanta except myself strolled down the busy street of New York. While walking, these happily married women taught me that as long as you find that one man that really matches your happiness. You'll be truly blessed by a happy marriage! I see them as an inspirations; their husbands truly adore and love each one of them. Yeah, while they were in New York enjoying their space! The husbands were at home in Atlanta feeding their babies and being all supportive! 

I wish one day; I could be in that place where they are in their lives, happy and contented of the family they had built for themselves! I could never forget that walk for they made me see the true value of what a family looks like for a true woman really means. I want to be a happy wife like them, A loving wife and a loving mother. In God's right time, hopefully, I will be as happy as they are, but, before I'll get there, I need to be like Ate Beng when she was still single! fix me and work on myself to be a wonderful woman so I can catch a wonderful man that would give me a wonderful home to be in that happiest place of my life!

As a single independent woman, I have truly learned what true happiness really entails in our lives. Single or married, I have learned that I must love myself first before I'll seek to love any man because If I want to be in that happily married category. I really need to know what I really want as a single person, how complete I am and what can make me truly happy because if I don't know those things, How can I extend that love to a man? or to anybody around who loves me? 

Not only that, when you are truly happy within yourself. You'll never be desperate enough to find any man to fill that void in your life. You will have better judgement of who you allow to be with you. You'll never expect anything in life rather than just being yourself and being alone will never feel empty and lonely. Being happy within will guarantee you to be contented of what's already in your hand. 

There are people that are meant to be single, but they are happy as can be because they already have found that love that they needed to find and that is the love they have for themselves. But of course, It's a totally different story when you have a partner whose there for you and loves you, it makes your world a beautiful place to live. However, Everything is always up to God because He is the only one who can give us that grace to find that one true love that will add color to our lives. 

Oh, New York! Thank You for the incredible experience! I left my wishes in your city, and I felt so great for I am not expecting that those wishes will be granted, Yet, I believe and I have faith that those little wishes will touch me in ways that I would be able to make me happy!!!

What Just Happened?

I woke up with a super insane dream; I don't want to miss it. I want to write it down before I will forget because this is somewhat kind of important to me because maybe I died during my sleep.

I was inside this normal magical kind of palace; it wasn't fancy one, but its huge. We were watching choir opera, and  I  saw some of my dead relative spirits. I think I was surrounded with dead people in the audience. We were smiling at each other; they looked happy and pleased and just total peace. 

Then, I was called to join the choir, So I walked going to the stage and saw this huge gold metal thin stairs. So I climbed it, and when I reached  the top of stairs, I couldn't enter. A man came up to me from the stage; He was trying to help me, we were kind of wrestling because from key to key, I could not come in. Every key had this blast of energy that pushed me away from the stairs; I couldn't breathe, So I had to hold so tight so I wouldn't fall.

                                                       

When the last bronze type of key showed up, the guy suddenly blurted out "Oh, You're an Arcangel! You can't come in yet!"

I fell to this huge ass dirty river, and I woke up so thirsty! 

After my mind, were settled down; I was just completely dumbfounded that I have to rethink everything that had happened to me in a dream.

Did I died? Who knows, right? I can only wonder. If It's only a dream. What's up with my dream? It's kinda bizarre. 

What Love Is For?

I was about to sleep on my couch when this song played "That's What Love Is For" by Amy Grant

My mind suddenly wandered and found myself grinning. The song is so beautiful that I have to repeat it over and over again. It's so comforting that I can feel my own heart smiling.

"Melt our defenses bring us back to our senses" 

I need to get back to my senses and melt my defenses.

Oh LOVE.......

What is love? I've built a wall around my heart that enabled me to keep my emotions at bay and to avoid pain.

Unbeknownst to me, I gained the one thing that I had been running away from. PAIN.

Love gave me genuine love but because of my defenses it backfired to me.

Growing up, I was always alone or in the shadow of my close friends, hiding myself away from the world of romantic love and avoiding relationships just because I was scared of feeling the kind of love that makes you addicted to pain, at least that was I thought at that time.

I was always just musing of  an unknown man who doesn't even exist in my real world. Just to avoid the painful truth of getting hurt. I was okay daydreaming because it was safe and at least the pain is not going to show up and stab my heart.

And because of those defenses,  I ended up being the one who stabbed hearts. I never even realized that I was doing it unconsciously and never really hit me hard until I saw the man I married bleed pain because of me.

One emotional night I remembered that left us both crying when He said;

"YOU DON'T F**NG KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME! AND YOU WOULD NEVER F**NG UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM FEELING BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE NOT EVEN WITH ME SO DON'T F**NG TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THAT IS A F**NG BULLSHIT!!!"

I could never forget those words. It pierced right through my heart. I didn't know how to love right, and it haunted me in my own relationship that had broken my marriage and had totally fractured me. And karma does has its ways to polished you for some heart-wrenching lessons and squeeze you up and down and extracts you until you drown into depression. Yes, I was indeed in the period of grief and misery that tossed me around on a tidal wave of my hysterical emotions in darkness and placed me in the emotional torture chamber.

Thus, I see a little light now coming my way out from the tunnel I am in. My heartbeat is slowly palpitating in its normal beating; healing is penetrating and its on the way to being healed. I am trying to be my own healer. Who else can heal me? It's only me for God can't assist my healing if I am not going to start doing it myself. I am determined to put my heart to function normally, without fears, where only love resides.

I want to fall in love so bad, like you don't have any idea how much I've wanted to be intoxicated of such bliss. I want to be lost in that magical feeling. I want to be completely overwhelmed by a rush of excitement laced with romance. I want to feel that happiness that only "In love" people can understand and comprehend. I want to smile and giggle just because I am In love. I want to feel that pure joy whenever you think of that person you're in love with. I want to feel that bounce of mixed emotions between exhilaration and euphoria and this time I want to feel that affliction of pain that comes with it too!

My heart is slowly apprehending that in order for me to capture the essence of love is to be vulnerable to anything that shadowed the act of loving, in other words, not only I have to take the beautiful side of it, but also the icky worms that crawl with it too. I have to be in between so I would know my capabilities of loving.

The fantasy of romance that I so long to infuse myself in is really dispensable for how can I be experiencing such paradise when I locked myself in the prison of delusions. All of these emotions are pure illusions in my sight yet, I earnestly desire for it that took me away from my marriage and drawn me into my own internal retreat.

Hence, I see my heart. Truth - it is wounded- and I feel the need to rush to it and nurture it first before anything else. For how can I glean love when my own heart is broken? How can I ask love when my heart couldn't even give one? I need (not want) to be in love in the right and healthy way but before I could even reach that peak of bliss and experience that kind of miracle. I need to work so hard of taking care of my own heart and loving it to the fullest because it's only through it that I can open myself widely for a man to be safe in my own hands without hurting him.

Yes, I want to be in that shallow romantic fantasy of love. However, Real love is something we experience and learn from, not something we do to get something out from it. For entering into the realm of sheer bliss, I have to connect with myself and fall In love with  me first. The moment I do that, then, it will be the moment that I would have my freedom. Freedom that would allow me to embrace anybody whom I come across to, without expectations and judgement from my part. Furthermore, When I would finally feel secure of my own self without my fears haunting me in the night, then it would also be the time that I'll be able to accept, love, treasure and celebrate anybody for who they are as a person

I believe that one day God's love for me will manifest to the man he will send in my life. A man who will brighten my day and will bring a genuine smile on my face and a man who is capable of bringing out the best of what I already have. I am not expecting that He will be the greatest and the most wonderful man in the world that would totally sweep me off my feet for I know whoever the man whom God will send in my life, is meant to be loved by me whether Its going to stay with me for a short period of time or for till death do us part.

I am not going to put any conditions for true love doesn't see it that way for I believe that anybody can come in and leave your life whenever and however they want for love doesn't hold you back. Love doesn't ask you stay if its time for you to go, for if the relationship ends, love makes you understand that its always for the best for the both of you because if it's not working then It's not meant to. Love let you go and let you experience another adventure of your life to help you grow as a person even if you're not going be part of that new journey.

I promised God that I'll take care of any man He will send in my life properly and love him the way He should be loved; I will treat him like a bird, appreciates his beauty and allowing his freedom to be human. I would love and accept everything about him, not just the great side of him, but his flaws that follow with him as well, his limitations, his inadequacy, his insecurities, his wound and his pain.

My brokenness and crack as a woman helped me understand that we fall short all the time. The men who had loved me in history, made me discerned the value of acceptance of one's flaws and what Love is really all about.

Love is freedom. Love is letting the person be who He is and still accept him for every baggage He has. Love doesn't require to love back, its not a trade in transactions, "I love you, you need to love me too" Love needs to be given. Wholeheartedly. Freely. Without asking back in return, if its returned then all you can do is appreciate it and be grateful no matter how little it is, because love only gives and you just give and give.

Love peacefully watch you from afar, on the side ways, on the front and back without imploring you to change to benefit anyone's needs, wants and expectations. Love is a celebration for who you are. Love encourages and assists you to be a better version of yourself without trying to manipulate you to be someone else you're not just because your partner wants to mold you into an image that they want to have with you just to feed their selfishness to be happy.

Love endures and Love gives you the permission to be human. Love embraces you without restrictions. Love unveils the best part of you and Loves watch you evolve and grow into the realization of your own greatest potentials. Love touches lovingly, the mask you're wearing and not force you to separate it from you for Love can still see and embrace the rotten person underneath the mask for with or without it, Love doesn't judge nor condemns. Love snuggles you instead with a lot of affections. Love is a gift, and it became a miracle when two people feel the same way and unites as one.

How wonderful it is to fall in love with a person who reciprocates your feelings too. Two people who look at the world through the same eyes and beat hearts as one; devoted to each other and being true to their path and themselves as well as being intimate with each other, such a beautiful blessing and its so wonderful to take care of it if you're one of the people who have been blessed by it. It's a rarity to have those, its a gift from heavens that no amount of money can ever pay.

I am imperfect and definitely impaired as an individual but I have the capacity to love you for who you are. I can empathize and understand you for I have learned how to be grateful for every human being who walks in this earth whose defective just like me too.

So I would never look for the perfect man to love me. I want to love him instead. If I want to fall in love, I still want to fall in love with whom God chooses for me, A man whose beyond perfect for his imperfections. That is why, I will try to be the best of me so I can assist and love that man in the right way and boost him up to bring out the best of him too and allows his strengths to shine.

Finding the right man or woman is never a guarantee for a lifetime happiness for we all learn from each other and we all fail, but finding the right way to love for every person that passes your way guaranteed you to true happiness. Besides, finding that special person who fits for your life that would make you extra happy is just simply an icing on the cake.

Trust me, I wanted what you want too, finding that one person that makes living in this earth a better place to live but I am not going to expect anyone or get attached to any outcome to find it because that is God's job, not mine. 

The man whom God will send in my life will fall into my hands like a light white feather, easy and breezy; Yet, until that day arrives, I will try my best to be the most beautiful woman I can ever be. I will destroy the dark walls that surround my heart and nurse myself back to health. I will drop my defenses, destroy my ego, shut down my fears and remove the scabs that cover my cuts and allow the fresh air of spirit to heal them, and I will keep myself open, I will keep laughing and will keep dancing in the center of my own life, so I can attract the man of my dreams to fall, not into my hands but right straight into my heart. 

I'm really scared to touch love, but how will I know the beauty of falling in love if I'm not even going to try to jump on it. So I'll jump and I'll see where it will take me and I'll start it with my leap of faith!


"That is what love is for!
to help us through it
That is what love is for
Nothing else can do it.

Melt our defenses
Bring us back to our senses
Give us strength to try once more
Baby, that's what love is for"

Beautiful song!

Carry Me To Your Arms

Yolly, Yolands, Yolz and Yoling. These are just the common funny name that Filipino amused themselves of calling the "Yolanda Storm" (Haiyan) one of the strongest Typhoon ever hit in the world and the landfall is no other than PHILIPPINES!... My country.

I'm grateful that I was safe in the comfort of my home and enjoying the beautiful day that was offered to me when the storm landed in Philippines, but at the same time, I feel disheartened for not being part of the suffering that my fellow Filipinos had endured especially those who were part of it. It's not that I want to be part of it, Of course, I don't want to be part of it, Who does? But I feel heartbroken in the sense that,why would they experience such disaster and I am not? Why would they go through it and I, and you are spared? It's not fair and its never going to be fair.

It may not be fair to me and to everyone but I guess there must be a reason why I got spared or you got spared because You and I has to comfort, soothe, console and reassure them that everything will be fine.

When the storm was happening, I saw my Facebook stream and it was all about Yolanda. Some were plagued of worries, some were so prayerful and hopeful, and some of them were just totally enjoying making fun of it. I guess because, Filipinos have gotten so used of Nature's Burst. Our country has always been the passage of storms so Yolanda was just one of them but Yolanda was different because she was the strongest of them all and I think her vigorous power never got anticipated.

There were lots of prayers exchanging in the net world. One of them, to spare the Philippines or to stop the storm so people will not suffer or get hurt. I, on the other hand, only prayed. "Strength, Acceptance and Peace". I could not pray to stop it because in my heart, no matter how much I'll put an extreme amount of effort to pray of stopping it. I knew its not going to happen and Philippines is not going to be spared of the wrath of Yolanda at all even though millions of prayers has been poured out. It is what it is.

Can I be angry to God? I wanted to but I couldn't for He created this world this way.

After the storm was over, videos, pictures, news of the devastation has been all around the world. Immense count of deaths is remarkable. I tried so hard to not watch anything because not only it will painfully affect me, it will also breaks my heart watching them suffer. So I tried to live my life as how it is because my tears cannot help them. My anger, frustrations, wrath and complains cannot either. I can cry all I want and resent the storm and the government who is so irresponsible and disorganized but is my emotions and view can change it? Are the lives who got lost can live again? Are the places that got wrecked can be put back again in the normal state?  My answer is definitely NO.

I cannot do anything about those people who is taking advantage of the situation,  whatever their reasons are, no matter how evil and unreasonable it is, they still have their selfish reasons and they'll always do what they want to do! Can I stop them? Definitely Not! I can rant all I want and blame whoever I want to blame with, but can I change their minds? Not at all! Sadly to say it's part of this world, some people are just greedy and just don't freaking care.

Whether we want to hear it or not, It is what it is! Whatever good and bad that is happening between this chaos, its part of the creation and plan of the outcome that Yolanda will bring. All I can really do is do what I think I can do to help. That's all.

Even though I really cannot do anything physically since I am so far away from the affected area but YES my donation can help them big time. I can only do what I can do in my own little power. My donation is that little light among all the lights that embraced these people who have suffered. My light and your light made the big difference of these broken souls in the depths of the darkness who had lost everything including those people they love so dearly! Oh I can just imagine their pain!

Ultimately, these are the credible reasons why we got spared, so we can touch the broken ones and to help them heal and make them whole again.

I am indeed in awe of how much people in these world can shower love! I am overwhelmed of the countries in the world who have reached out to help Philippines.  Their generosity and care is unbelievable. The love of humanity, smothered the catastrophic agony of those people who have suffered in the midst of the storm. Whatever we have contributed and help. We are the heroes and angels to these people.

The storm and the aftermath. The 6 days of starvation and survival sent messages to the world, that the spirit of Filipinos endured the worst storm and it can also endure anything, even sleeping with the dead love ones because no one was around to be there to pick them up, obviously, people had reached their hands and donation seconds after the storm was over, However, government leadership were so dysfunctional and a lack of sense of responsibility eat the people, who have suffered the storm alive.

Nevertheless, I am not here to bash and strike them with criticism because they are part of the plan of God and as I said, it is what it is; despite of it all, I still see the positive and valuable outcome of this turmoil. Whatever horrible was happening in between the calamity, there was a beautiful message underlying in it and that message will somehow wake up the people in this world to be aware of ourselves that we can give love to humanity and we have a gift of compassion and ability to take care of each other.

Why Philippines? Why of all the countries, It has to be Philippines? Of course, If not Philippines, somehow; somewhere a place and people will get affected of it but still the storm didn't back down and still hit Philippines. I think God has a good explanation of it and this is what I felt why He allowed it to happen. Filipinos are like bamboos, we snap back and forth, no storm can break it, no matter how powerful it would be, the bamboo doesn't lose its strength. It still stays and stick on the ground just swinging. The structure of the bamboo is just like the spirit of Filipinos and how its clustered is how we are with each other and how we use our resourcefulness with nothing is also like how the bamboo transformed into good use when they are cut down. The bamboo can make a home out of his structure and we are each other's home. It also symbolizes optimism, unity, and adaptability. When the old bamboo dies, the bamboo sprouts appears. So it means that whatever was lost, bamboos always manage to get up and put everything back to normal with its sense of new powerful spirit in them.

Other than these reasons, Filipinos are also like crickets in the night. We make noises in the world to hear. Our prayers, opinions and judgement and cries is all over the net world! We never stop until we get tired venting and as far as I know, Filipinos are the only one who is doing this sound in the entire world! Our voices must be heard and we make use of our advantages in Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube or anywhere where we can lash out our emotions and of what we think of a certain situation that is why Cybercrime Prevention Act of 2012 was imposed to Philippine law because we just love to speak our minds and we really love to do it because we totally love attention.

So because of this, I felt that God is using this character of us to shout to the world of how we are as Filipinos and one of the main character we possessed is our faith to God which manifested in the midst of our suffering. Filipinos has always been so outspoken of their love to God.

Philippines is one of the countries where a lot of devotees lives and even if it's a 3rd world country. God has always been the center of our lives. It's one of the religious country in the world. So what happened is that Philippine now became the vessel of the message to the entire world that despite of the disaster, we still manage to put a smile on our faces and through our voices we  proclaimed hope, strength and the trust of God  no matter how devastating our situation is. In other words, we become the voice of God!

The world will somehow learn from Filipinos how to laugh and smile even if cruel things like this happens and they will somehow get the message that no matter how much life slapped them with adversity that they too can overcome it and can still live life to the fullest, Just like how Filipino had dealt with it easy with beam of their faces.



Like what we always say, It's more fun in the Philippines! Whether its flooding or not we always have that Filipino humor to top it off!

Any disasters cannot break us from living our lives, no matter how strong it can be. The happy spirit of Filipinos cannot be thwarted even in the midst of crisis!






I am so impressed of Filipinos essence, enthusiasm, warmth, and frame of mind and it makes me proud that I am Filipino and I can proudly say "It's fun to be Filipino!"

However, before I end this, I pray to God that these noises that Filipino shout to the world will also be the voice of those people who have suffered everyday of hunger and continuous death. I am not talking about people who have been affected of nature's wrath, but I'm talking about those people in countries who have suffered starvation and war everyday! A lifestyle that they could not let go of, because, they have been deprived of the ability to fight it. Those people never have choice because they can't buy food for they don't have nothing and people whose in war cannot fight back either for they are deprived of freedom.

I pray for healing for those people whose not been heard, because they don't have the courage and strength anymore for their miseries is buried inside them for no one is their to speak and fight for them. Filipinos are fortunate for we still have each other and our voices can indeed reach even to the farthest side of the world. Let us use this voice for the unheard ones so that they can feel the love that they deserve to receive. Love that brings healing in wounded souls. Love that preside in the hearts of the people who have help the Yolanda Storm victims. Love that steered up the unity of this world. Love that restore the broken ones.

After all, What is Yolanda is all about? It's really all about love! Yolanda brought love and unity!
Love that endures,  Love that accepts and Love that gives unconditionally.

Think about it........

So Thank You Yolanda for uniting this world as one!

Take My Hand

I looked ahead of me and I noticed the Utopian woman, among the group, she was the only one who chose not to take the Eucharistic bread. She knelled down and welcomed Father Danneker blessings without her taking the bread, her strange manner made me marvel.

Fortunately, I happened to stand beside her when we were ready to eat our lunch. She was a timid, demure, gentle lady. I noticed her already during the first day of our retreat because she was shy and always just around the corner. She only speaks when she needed to speak. Well of course, I can always empathize with her, because I am also like her but a little so out version.

So with that chance at hand, I introduced myself and asked her name. So we became acquainted right at that moment. And so, I guess you can figure out now what I did, I asked her why she didn't take the bread. (nosy as ever)

"I'm sorry for being so curious, but I just want to ask why you chose not to take the bread? and of course its okay if you don't want to answer."

She shyly smiled and replied to me;

"Oh no, its okay. It just that its been a long time that I haven't had confession, and I kind of lost my way for years, I don't go to church that much anymore and I guess I forgot about God and also, I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years without the sacrament of marriage. So that's the reason why I couldn't take the Eucharistic bread and....."
She paused and hesitantly wanting to say more.

I gave her an understanding nod to keep on going for I am with her and intently listening to her.

"and.....my family is really religious and they take the sacraments seriously. So because of that I became accustomed with that tradition that I myself felt like its not okay to take the bread specially that I committed all those behavior without the blessings of the church and that I should cleanse myself first before taking anything sacred."

I held her arms lovingly and I then asked her, "What about you? What do you feel about it? What does your heart says?"

Her eyes moved like she was in state of confusion and trying to stone herself from crying.

"I feel defective, I feel that there is something wrong with me, I feel like a fallen angel that I don't belong, I feel like God doesn't want me because I took him for granted and disobeyed him. I feel like I'm a disgrace to my community, to church and to my own family. I disrespected God, my family and myself."

She didn't cry, her face were in a state of concealing her emotions and she blurted out helplessly "I don't know..."

I hugged her "You must be feeling awful."

"You know what? Come, eat beside me, I want to tell you some awful rebellious behavior from me."

She sat beside me and I told her my own story of rebellion.

"You know, I was married and I just got out from it but I am not going to tell you about the separation part. What I am going to tell you was when we got married. I was living with him for 2 years before we tied the knot and on top of that we got married outside the church, I should say at the court. As you know that is against the tradition of the church because we all believed in this kind of idea that the church is the source of all the blessings when we married someone and that the church should be part of it. "

"It didn't bother me for I know in my heart that God is everywhere whether in the presence of a priest, a rabbi or a pastor or a judge or whoever."

"And also, I never had confessions for years as well and add to that I still received communion whenever I am attending the mass. As sure as heavens, It didn't bother me."

"One day, I think a year after our marriage, My loving and godly friend in my religious community that I joined visited us at home, She was so nice to remind us the sacrament of marriage is really important. And she suggested that if we want, we can get married inside the church and they are going to assist us of the wedding.

"It was so generous of them to offer such assistance, but my Ex and I knew that Wedding in the church wasn't right for us during that time. You know that kind of instinct that we kind of knew already that the separation will happen. So we didn't want to rush ourselves and we didn't want to further any damage."

"I wasn't bothered with the idea of a wedding inside the church, until.... My friend mentioned to me that I CANNOT RECEIVE A COMMUNION BECAUSE ITS A SIN TO TAKE IT WHEN I AM LIVING WITH SOMEONE IN ONE ROOF WITHOUT THE CHURCH BLESSINGS.

"Of course I'm always ignorant with church policy and everything, but when she mentioned it, I felt that my blood got drained and was trying my might not to cry, while having the conversation,what's circling at the back of my mind was (So God? I Am not allowed to take the communion just because?) It bothered me."

"Of course I couldn't hate my friend for that information because that's what she knew and have been practicing, and of course, she had her own experience too of how God had blessed her marriage when she decided to get married inside the church. She was just concernedly relaying to me what I should do in order for me to get more blessings from God in a proper way and I was so grateful for the concern."

"When they left, I was crying my heart out. I couldn't accept the fact that I couldn't take my communion just because I committed such crime of marrying outside of church."

"It really bothered me and I wasn't able to sleep that night, my eyes were swollen when I woke up."

"I then went to the blessed sacrament that morning to pray and asked some bold question directly to God."

"When inside, I bombarded God tons of questions and one of those were (HOW CAN YOUR LOVE BE SO CONDITIONAL?)"

"Of course of all of my question, I never received a direct answers."

However, after minutes of grieving, my thoughts went silent.

The only feelings that I felt at that moment was how much God loves me.

I then thought that God's love for me is not conditioned by anything in this world. His love for me doesn't stop me from taking his grace through the holy Eucharistic bread and his love for me doesn't see me as a sinner instead a child that he love dearly."

"And I then told him. (Lord, I don't care if I commit a sin by taking the bread due to my circumstances, for your bread is my food, your bread is sustaining my being and my soul. So I don't care if you get mad at me which I know in my heart, you won't.)"

"So yeah, after awhile, I acted like I didn't hear It and kept taking the bread of life every mass because; what was important to me was not what the crowd was telling me but what I was feeling inside which I know was wrong in the eyes of the church society; in spite of it,  even it was wrong; it was giving me graces of acceptance and love from God."

"The reason why I just want to hug you right now is that I wish and pray that one day, you are going to allow God to supplement you with his grace of acceptance and love for you."

"We are Human Being built with our blisters and discolorations. Unfortunately we are in this world to blend in. If we follow the crowd, there is a tendency that we might get swayed, but if we follow the voice of God within us, He can guide us to the direction that we are meant to go without any condemnation of ourselves because the truth as I perceived it, is we lived to balance the Good and the Bad in this lifetime, and if we can't accept that fact, we might vanished in the crowd."

"My marriage didn't work and sure as heavens, our relationship went through the test of hell, not because we didn't listen to what the church says but because in my own understanding God allowed it to happen so we could gain more wisdom out of our experience. My Ex and I doesn't hate each other instead we love each other in ways that people couldn't understand and I guess that is because we allowed God to maneuver our lives without judging life."

"I hope one day, you will allow God to come into your life without conditions, and I hope one day, you'll find that small little piece of you to forgive yourself. It doesn't matter if we take the Eucharistic bread or not, what matters is how much we embraced God's love into our life. God's love heal if we opened up to him our naked wounds because His understanding is beyond our own understanding."

"Let us not be too hard on ourselves. Every little things in our lives happens for a beautiful reason. Of course I learned this the hard way, but thank God because of it, I get to accept it and I became more lighter on myself and I was able to see and feel God's love in my life."

"Honestly, When I looked at you awhile ago, I felt mercy on your soul, not because of the things that you think you did that gone you away from God but because of that burden that you have been carrying with you that prevented God from coming to you. You closed that little door because you felt that you are not worthy enough of his grace."

"God can only enter into our lives when we know how to let go of unnecessary condemning thoughts and feelings that is burdening us. He wants us to accept who we are as a human being, a wounded being, a sinner in every way so we can find that little piece of forgiveness that we deserve. Feven, God doesn't need to forgive us. He knows our  inadequacy to perfection. He loves us so much and its beyond any love anyone can give."

"I chose not to listen to some people and I chose to only pick that can only serve my soul. I chose to listen to my heart with tremendous amount of prayers because I know whether I do bad, I know God's grace is always with me, and that grace will lift me up in darkness; darkness in which I clasped in my arms"

"I love myself even on my ugliest me just like how God loves me, And you should too. Don't isolate yourself, blend with the crowd, be always proud of your scars, because those scars will be the light of God's unconditional love."

I then held her hands and asked,

"You are here Feven because you love God right?"

She nodded agreeably,

"So that Love that you feel towards him is enough. He loves us so much that whether we love him or not, It won't matter because He loves us more than we could ever imagine. We are talking about Unconditional Love here Feven; which no man's Love can grasp and I think God would ask only one thing from us, and that one thing is TO LOVE OURSELVES so we can love the people around us more and that love would expands on the farthest side on the realm of our reality. It helps us embraced the humanity of how they really are."

"Think about it Feven, You don't need to listen to me or anyone. Listen to your heart, because that is where God will speak to you and you need to really listen carefully, because the only time that God can enter into our lives is when we know how to finally forgives ourselves and to accept reality of how it is."

I smiled at her and told her "Cmon' give me a hug!"

She then told me "I feel so much better Sheila"

We tend to convict ourselves to things that shouldn't be convicted in the first place. The result of our malfunction as a human being is fleshing out this side of us of how much we need God and how much God needs us. If we didn't experience the bad side of life, how can we know God's unconditional love?

The consequences of our misbehaving decisions always leads us to him. A blessing in disguise that we don't even notice.

There are people in this world that is fortunate enough because their lives is without any doubt, pretty normal. and our normalcy pity those people who is living life out of misery because of the choices that they made.
Yet, pity not because when we are normal. Our knowing and experiences about life is also normal.  Depth-less and shallow. However, when we are tested to the deepest core of suffering in life, our intelligence is also measured by the deepest foundation of it because out of those suffering, it filled our soul a tremendous amount of kindness and acceptance to human kind.


Think about it =)

I Am Who I Am

"Oh sheila, you have your own religion because what you are believing is different than the facts in the bible." As Chris, my friend/co-worker was emphasizing his thought about my beliefs. 

"How can you believe that all of us goes to heaven? Even Hitler goes to heaven huh?" As He continued in a teasing manner. 

I'm trying to remember how our conversation awhile ago, but as far as I think right now, we were in the midst of a battle about Christianity. 

"Oh Chris, My beliefs are my beliefs, what I feel is what I feel, what I thought is what I thought. I am not trying to justify or make you believe what I believe, cause it is what I believe. I can say whatever I want to say about certain things. It is my own theory and my own opinion. Whether it is true or not; or you want to agree or disagree, It won't matter cause no one knows the truth! We are free to feel and think whatever and however we want."

"So you are not a Christian then? Cause you are not thinking like a Christian"

"Oh well, I never wanted to call myself a Christian in the first place. I am nobody but I believe in God and I have my faith and its all that matters to me."

"and you goes to church by that thought? Why wouldn't you want to call yourself a Christian?"

"Because I am not attached to anything in this world. I am not attached to any religion and I don't intend to be. I can only  take some knowledge so I won't be that ignorant, but I don't want to go deeper to what it is all about"

"and besides when you call yourself a christian you tend to be..." I was lost of words, I didn't know how to express myself.

I felt the tension when I said that I don't want to call myself a Christian that Clarissa chimed in to our conversation, As Christian herself, I guess she felt a little offended or kinda defensive about what I said,

"So what made you think that way?" Clarissa asked, and continued "I think you are afraid to know the deeper side of Christianity, You are a catholic yourself and a Christian, you need to know what's inside your own religion"

"I am willing to know about everything, If given a chance why not? and If God would take me to that direction and if He wants me to know about it, why not? I'll follow and I'll go along, not only in my Catholic religion but to other religions as well, It's exciting to learn about different tradition and culture of churches, but as I said, I don't want to submerge myself in knowing beneath religion itself. It is too much for me take, I don't think I can handle it, my concentration really, is how I am going to build my relationship with God through my relationship with other people and by taking care of this world that God created."

"Or maybe I don't want to call myself a Christian because really I don't know that much about Christianity, I am not there yet, Maybe that's my reason."

Well since Clarissa is my best friend and pretty know so much about what I think and feel about certain things, So I think she understood my point of view that she left the conversation.

Meanwhile, Chris and I wasn't finished yet,

"Being a Christian, you have to follow the facts in the bible and not what you think" Chris cited, 

"Chris first and foremost, What you are behaving right now is not a Christian like, You are somewhat judging and criticizing me of what I feel and believe. Maybe, that's the reason why I don't want to be called a Christian. If I want to be called a christian and I am going to act like you are acting right now? I would feel so embarrassed of myself. A christian should respect someone's opinion and belief of other people. Everyone is different just so you know. 

and In a playful manner he replied "So If I want to believe like a Hindu? It's okay?"

"Of course its okay! You can believe whoever and whatever! It's your right and its your free will! There is no difference! We are all accepted and love by God."

and It went on and on and on... that Chris said "Whatever Sheila!"

And I said, "Whatever!"

And we went back to finishing our side work! Laugh out Loud! (that's how cats and dogs does)

Just a thought: 

Nobody really achieve something when it comes to debating which is which especially when we try to reason out our own view about something, in this part, Christianity. There are wide different interpretation of God, spirituality, bible and Religion. It goes on and on and on. It never stops and no one wins!

As for my part, whether I call myself a Christian or not, It won't matte, cause I believe that God would not see me differently just because I believe of something which some people doesn't for I would never feel excluded in God's presence, I am molded with my own set of thoughts and feelings. I have my own set of functions, Same as everybody around.

Loving God, I believe that seeking for truth about our beliefs are boundless and truth always lead us back to reality and for me reality is God and if we learn how to accept and love this reality we live in then I guess that's how we can only love God.

I wasn't upset by Chris reaction to what I believe in,He has the right to feel and think whatever He wants, cause same as me, His own belief is his belief and that what makes him who He is. A unique individual whom God created and loved :)

An Embodiment Of A Flourished Soul

As I was walking towards Lola Meding, I was quite surprise to see the changes on her physical body. She looked delicately skinnier, so different since the last time I saw her.

I was dissolve on the fragility of her body as I was getting nearer to her.  I felt like crying for the deprivation of her own strength as the latter part of her life is coming to an end. Yet, when I came to rest on her lap, the radiance deep down her soul showed up, her eyes sparkled and while she was trying to figure me out of who I was, Her soul lingered through my eyes and I noticed her physical body wasn't there anymore, it was her enduring vibrant loving soul who is carrying it for her.

Picking up pieces from her ample memories that she had acquired in her entire life, she finally remembered the little glimpses of me. Her smiled brightened as the flashed back of her memories coming through her mind. Her eyes met my eyes, A familiar soul vibe connected us, her eyes beamed with joy as she was recapturing memorable moments in her life, that time, she captured partly mine but others were her accomplishments.

Her mental capacity to remember was discreetly limited due to her inadequacy as her aged body slowly dispersing in the thin air. Yet, the quality of her soul;  its strength, power and durability strike me with astonishment for it was so full of energy and spirit.

I sat beside her and because her own soul is already in control of her physical body. She became more affectionate and loving. She held my hands like I am someone special to her and there were moments as well when she grabbed my right hand to hug her and the most sweetest moment with her was when she kissed my hand three times.

I saw not the sick person but a well strong happy radiant accomplished Lola Meding. The display of her appearance and her smiling face proclaimed to me that she is ready for the lord to take her anytime. She is just in the verge of waiting patiently and acting upon by obeying still the last will of her life to be fulfilled. As always Lola's obedience to God glazed in the frailness of her physique.

Her service and love to God manifested the strength of her endurance and bravery. Her immense love of God fall upon the people around her. She devoted her entire life giving away everything she possessed so everyone will be fruitful so the children in this generation can harvest abundance of blessings she had gained from the seed that God planted on her. Her generosity gave her great amount of fortune on her soul.

She is a wealthy human being, not by the money that she possessed but by the amount of kindness, humility and unselfishness that she owned. She had prospered the lives whom she had encountered along the way that's why God granted him the richness she deserves in this life time.

As a woman, I look up to her, She compasses everything a woman should have, An obedient daughter, A caring sister, A loving wife, a nurturing mother, an affectionate grandmother, a trust-worthy friend, and a good Samaritan to her neighbors. Most importantly, her unwavering devotion and loyalty to God. She carried all these qualities throughout her life and as far as herself, Lola has it all! A true woman of faith and a true warrior.

I see the graces of God in Lola's life. Her tree had been watered properly with proper amount of hard work and her fidelity to God and She is now picking up the  fruits of her labor. With that said,  Lola have been loved and treasured by so many, Everyone wants a piece of  her sweet precious fruit because not only it fulfill your hunger of wisdom but it will also bless you.

I am pretty sure God is so happy that she created Lola for she did a great job of completing her life as how she is supposed to live her life. Lola gave God straight A's. For now, I see Lola in the rail gate of heaven, like a little girl waiting for her gift to be opened. Anticipating and musing outside patiently and super excited for the gate to finally open. Though the gate of heaven is not opening for her yet but I'm sure in God's right time, there would be feast waiting for her! It's gonna be a fabulous "welcome back" celebration in heaven and I'm self-assured that its God himself who will pick her up from the Gate.