Your Pain Gives Me Healing

The rain outside from my window under the cold gloomy weather wanted to share its empathy with my sorrow. We seem to share the bliss of pain that was dominating our nature. Crying had been a habitual pattern for me when I wanted to restore my internal being. To stop mourning of the affliction of my heart wasn't an option for me that night. Instead, I turned off all my lights in my bedroom and softly tucked myself to the comfort of my bed. Crying on myself alone have always been an immense joy for me, and it's the best remedy of my heartache I could think of.

However, my phone kept ringing, I didn't have the strength to answer it, I just kept it ringing until I couldn't take the noise anymore.

"Sheila, Can you come over? I need you." I could hear my friend's voice breaking and sobbing on the other line.

"Uhm...Okay. Give me few minutes." At that moment, I had to forget my pain.

When I arrived at her place, She hugged me right away when she saw me, there was a remnant trace of agony on her face, swollen eyes, red nose, disheveled hair.  I could tell at that dusky night that she had been crying for an amount of time.

"Sheila, What is wrong with me?" She cried in vain and continued, "He dissipated out of nowhere, I thought we had a good time together, I thought we were deeply connected. I thought that I was special to him. I thought He love me! I thought I was his queen, his universe, his world! That asshole made me feel so damn special!!! And I believe it! I fucking believe it!!! But all of a sudden, He disappeared! Gave me all these reasons and excuses that I couldn't comprehend. What the f*ck Sheila!? He never had given our relationship a chance! He never gives me a chance!!" Her tears didn't matter to her at that moment of pain and desperation. She cried like there was no tomorrow. I felt her anger, but I couldn't say a word for I also felt her pain. I held her hand and hugged her.

"There is nothing wrong with you." I heard my voice, "In this world, you'll meet a lot of people who can hurt you, everyone is capable of doing it. I can hurt someone, you can hurt someone, there is no excuse. It's an illness we have that we can't just throw it away, we all hurt each other whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. It's a fact of life."

"Maybe, I did something that made him run away from me; Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. Sheila.......Why??? Why did He just leave me like that? Maybe I didn't please him!" hysterical by what brought to her thoughts.

"Stop! You are not. There is nothing wrong with you, and I know that man would agree with me. You are a wonderful woman, a perfect being in your imperfection. He left not because of you. He faded away maybe because his fears consumed him. We never know that man's burden. Maybe He couldn't handle a real woman at this time of his life. Maybe He is going through rough times that no one knows. Maybe He runs away because He couldn't afford to hurt you because maybe the love you can offer overwhelmed him for He only has an insufficient love for himself. Or Maybe  He realized that you are not the one for him. Sometimes, people run away not because of who you are; people run away because of their issues and fears. Or maybe the timing is just not right for both of you. Or maybe He was just a passerby in your life to teach you more about yourself."

I took a deep breath and continued.....

"Trust me, I know what I am talking about because I was once that kind of person. I kept wanting men who were like myself, who is emotionally unavailable and couldn't offer real love and I keep running away from men who offered me their hearts and genuine love. I was a walking zombie myself. Good men scare the hell out of me. I couldn't afford to hurt exceptional men. I didn't know what I want. I couldn't figure myself out, So because I couldn't figure myself out. I disappear, not because they were not good enough, but because I couldn't handle them. I was too broken to connect with them. It scared me, so I run away."

"Then why did He poured his soul to me??? If He only meant to leave me!!" Anger visibly formed on her face.

"Because, maybe, He needed someone who can fill his void, his insecurities, his emptiness and loneliness at that moment. You met him after the crisis of his love affair. You were the perfect person to occupy it. A perfect escape. A lot of times when we go through tough times especially when we are heartbroken we have these tremendous fear of facing the grief of our emotions. We run away from it especially feelings that suffocate us with pain that feels icky and tormenting. When we feel negative emotions, we look at it as a very uncomfortable feeling, and we resent it, We don't want to deal with it, and we try our best to reject it. We wanted to throw our pain as far away as it gets but since its impossible to do it, we hide to anyone who is available to give us filling, a band aide, a temporary remedy. We feel an overwhelming need to be with someone for the wrong reasons and wrong intentions. We'd rather want to avoid emotions that feels like shit rather than deal with it ourselves. We intoxicated ourselves with happy feelings to cover our misery. So when someone appears at that perfect moment that is not even the one you needed, we cling to them thinking that they can save us. The fact is; They can't, but we still crave for them to fill our hunger for attention, love and comfort that we don't know how to give to ourselves.

Then we get hit by a big rock on our heads; reality smashed to our face into the core of our being. It opens our eyes that the person right in front of us is only a representation of diversion to play with at the moment of desperation. We then felt terrified and found ourselves rejecting that person in our lives and run away because we are so afraid to feel our pain. And then we could not deal with it again. We then go back again to our addiction of self-gratification to fulfill us with our illusions. We then look for a new man/woman to experience a new fantasy again, then get hurt again and run away again. Those people who are afraid to face their wounds and are afraid to be alone are going to go circles. They are dangerous to be with for they will never find themselves. Not only they are going to hurt the person that passes their way, but they will also going to cause tremendous injury into their spirits, into themselves. Consider yourself fortunate that He is no longer part of your life, this is something to be thankful. He is saving you away from his toxic for He is poisonous to be with and if you love yourself enough, you'll stay away from it.

The only cure for this euphoria is when we don't run away from our issues and fears. Embracing the vulnerability of our emotions and pain gives us healing. Holding and sticking with it despite the suffering that you are enduring gives you access to God's grace. You don't run away from it because this is your chance to give abundant love to yourself. You, my love, needs it as well. You manifest this man because He is teaching you how to give it to yourself. "

"I still don't understand. It was too good to leave me like that; I am in so much pain right now Sheila."

I heard her pain from her sobs. I hugged her more tightly, the vibrations of her body made me want to cry. But there is nothing to cry. I let her cry instead, and whispered this to her "Feel your pain, enjoy it! It is part of being alive and then you must celebrate when it's over."

Her tears took a hold on for a second, and her face showed a confusion of what I just told her and burst her anger. "Are you out of your mind? There is nothing to celebrate; He hurt me!!"

"I know you are angry."

"Yes, I am so f*ckng angry!! That motherfucker didn't even consider my feelings when He made me believe all his lies! He fooled me! He tricked me! He manipulated me!!!I am angry!!!"

"Then be enrage. Feel it. Until there is no more hate inside of you, until there are no more hateful words to say and until the pain is no longer there. Be angry because that is the only way for you to release him and don't stop until all you could feel is a mercy to yourself.. and then mercy to him. I know exactly how you feel, you feel confused, anxious, disappointed and upset. It's a natural feeling of being human especially when we feel cornered and left behind. We ask this million of the question of why's, and what's frustrating is we could never grasp the answers, and we feel desperate because we want an answer right away."

"He hurt me, Sheila......"

A sense of surrender from her voice, I held her hand lovingly, looked at her eyes emphatically, and said "I know you are feeling pain, but He never hurt you. You hurt yourself. You caused your misery. You allowed him to hurt you by judging his behavior, by judging who He is as a man and who He is to you. You conditioned him to do what you expected him to do for you. You gave him the responsibility to make you happy. Poor guy and poor you. You know why? Because that happiness that you seek from him, You are supposed to give that to yourself first before anyone can fill it in.. You are having these moments of temper tantrums because He couldn't give you what you want. You are angry because you expect that the world will give you everything including this man. And when life couldn't give you what you want, you feel injustice, and you blame this man for making you suffer.

When He chose to leave you, it was not his job to explain why. Whether He wants to explain himself or not, it's his right, it's his freedom, your job is only to understand and accept the neglect. What you can only do is make room for more love in your heart so you can give it to yourself and him because through that love you will be both healed. By any means, you are not entitled to denounce him. You need to understand that He is his self, and He can do whatever He wants to do in his life. He is not responsible for your pain; You are Honey. If you make him responsible for your life, then you should take the time to look at your wounds. Get to know yourself more and fix what needs fixing for yourself so you can heal yourself. Healing yourself is giving love to yourself. Loving someone is selfless. No matter how painful you are feeling right now, If you care about this man and care about yourself, You are going to let him go. You don't ask why and You don't criticize nor condemn him. You bless him instead and let him go to where his journey will take him. Love is backbreaker and heartbreaking, but Love endures. Love accepts, and Love understands because Love is freedom and when you found that Love, it frees you. You become whole. It's only in Freedom that you can give space to healing. It's only in freedom that you can give space to find yourself. If you give that man his freedom with all the love you've got, then it's a gift to help him find his way."

That night, I let her cry until she fell asleep. As for my part, it was so ironic how God had comfort me of my grief. I held my pain so someone can cry. I listened so someone can release their grief. I speak so I can hear my words of sustenance. That night,  I finally have clarity of my understanding that I love myself. The experience that night opened my awareness of how big my heart is, that even pain through the external world is welcomed and unconditionally loved by me. Broken souls will draw towards me. However, I'm ready to embrace them with all the love I have because my grace and strength are no longer from me, but from God.