When I landed on the bench, I felt relaxed and comforted. It's been awhile since I last visited the Blessed Sacrament. I got loaded with work and I just didn't have that much time to make a visitation.
I love coming here, this is the only place where I shut down my reality and unload every burden that I am feeling inside. I find peace within me that I couldn't find when I'm outside. I feel clean, loved and nurtured by him.
The last time I was here, I was an emotional wreck. I was just crying and crying cause I couldn't control my emotions and my senses. It was out of control. I was too distressed of the things that I can't control.
This time it's a little different. I felt different. I felt more better than before. I felt more relax and at peace.
In spite of that , I know I still have a lot of fears that I am keeping inside. The fears that have been paralyzing me to do what is necessary for my well being. The stress, anxieties, uncertainties, I feel suffocated. Just the thought of being alone in the future and leaving behind my comfort gives me a panic attack.
"Oh lord I couldn't deny the fact that I am still having a cold feet."It's like a grasp of winds made my head turned to the mosaic beside me.
"Believe"
Underneath is a picture of a frightened girl who's trying to grab Jesus cloak for comfort and strength. I feel like I embodied that girl in so many angle. The depth of my adversity within my soul is gleaming that I don't want God to leave my side. I'm yearning for his help and guidance.
It's just that all these fears have been lurking beneath my thoughts and its holding me back. It's keeping me trapped within my own prison bars. I am trying not to manipulate my mind too much with false sense of confidence because it's unwittingly allowed my guilt to wrap up in my soul, leaving me hopeless and weak and so dizzy. I need to stop the merry-go-round and just jump off and just let the universe work it's way of what's meant to be.
I looked at the Sacrament and closed my eyes. I could feel the breeze of comforting air on my skin. I smelled fresh scent of flower that slowly absorbed in the midst of my soul that calmed down all the surge of storm within me.
"You're gonna be fine. I have in store for you. Just do your part and be strong."When I opened my eyes, a birth of hope strenghten me..In case you are wondering why I am going through these. Let me tell you something a little bit about it.
I'm at the phase of my life where I am closing a chapter. The thought of it makes my heart squeezed so tight that it hurts. It's so hard for me because I will be stepping into the "Unknown". Leaving all my comfort behind and leaving one person who is a big part of me.
After my trip to the Philippines. I will be making a decision that will change my life. Either for the worst or for the better. I'm still not there yet but I am already grieving. Something in me change, that requires me to leave for If I may not do so. I am not going to be fair for the man I care about and for myself.
I'm scared but "When it's God's will. It's God's will." We can never say No to whatever God's wants us to do. So when the day comes that I'll finally make a decision, whatever it will be. That would be God's will for me and I'll follow it.
I still have my faith that God will carry me through my struggles, like He always do. He wil be there and He will work behind the scenes just to make sure that I am going to be okay. Not only I believe it. I trust it.
After all, God's plan are better than my plan. He knows what's best for me and what's best for everybody. So all I can do is float and trust to where it is going to take me.
Before I left, I lighted a candle for myself, for Jam and for my future.
"God I'll see you on my tough times and my struggles that is coming. I'm ready. Promise, I will be strong and I will not stumble and I'll try not to cry. I'll go to the storm with you for I know when the storm is over. Rainbows are gonna be shining over me."A new found peace radiated my soul that I couldn't contain myself from smiling and it felt really good :)
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