I Am Who I Am

"Oh sheila, you have your own religion because what you are believing is different than the facts in the bible." As Chris, my friend/co-worker was emphasizing his thought about my beliefs. 

"How can you believe that all of us goes to heaven? Even Hitler goes to heaven huh?" As He continued in a teasing manner. 

I'm trying to remember how our conversation awhile ago, but as far as I think right now, we were in the midst of a battle about Christianity. 

"Oh Chris, My beliefs are my beliefs, what I feel is what I feel, what I thought is what I thought. I am not trying to justify or make you believe what I believe, cause it is what I believe. I can say whatever I want to say about certain things. It is my own theory and my own opinion. Whether it is true or not; or you want to agree or disagree, It won't matter cause no one knows the truth! We are free to feel and think whatever and however we want."

"So you are not a Christian then? Cause you are not thinking like a Christian"

"Oh well, I never wanted to call myself a Christian in the first place. I am nobody but I believe in God and I have my faith and its all that matters to me."

"and you goes to church by that thought? Why wouldn't you want to call yourself a Christian?"

"Because I am not attached to anything in this world. I am not attached to any religion and I don't intend to be. I can only  take some knowledge so I won't be that ignorant, but I don't want to go deeper to what it is all about"

"and besides when you call yourself a christian you tend to be..." I was lost of words, I didn't know how to express myself.

I felt the tension when I said that I don't want to call myself a Christian that Clarissa chimed in to our conversation, As Christian herself, I guess she felt a little offended or kinda defensive about what I said,

"So what made you think that way?" Clarissa asked, and continued "I think you are afraid to know the deeper side of Christianity, You are a catholic yourself and a Christian, you need to know what's inside your own religion"

"I am willing to know about everything, If given a chance why not? and If God would take me to that direction and if He wants me to know about it, why not? I'll follow and I'll go along, not only in my Catholic religion but to other religions as well, It's exciting to learn about different tradition and culture of churches, but as I said, I don't want to submerge myself in knowing beneath religion itself. It is too much for me take, I don't think I can handle it, my concentration really, is how I am going to build my relationship with God through my relationship with other people and by taking care of this world that God created."

"Or maybe I don't want to call myself a Christian because really I don't know that much about Christianity, I am not there yet, Maybe that's my reason."

Well since Clarissa is my best friend and pretty know so much about what I think and feel about certain things, So I think she understood my point of view that she left the conversation.

Meanwhile, Chris and I wasn't finished yet,

"Being a Christian, you have to follow the facts in the bible and not what you think" Chris cited, 

"Chris first and foremost, What you are behaving right now is not a Christian like, You are somewhat judging and criticizing me of what I feel and believe. Maybe, that's the reason why I don't want to be called a Christian. If I want to be called a christian and I am going to act like you are acting right now? I would feel so embarrassed of myself. A christian should respect someone's opinion and belief of other people. Everyone is different just so you know. 

and In a playful manner he replied "So If I want to believe like a Hindu? It's okay?"

"Of course its okay! You can believe whoever and whatever! It's your right and its your free will! There is no difference! We are all accepted and love by God."

and It went on and on and on... that Chris said "Whatever Sheila!"

And I said, "Whatever!"

And we went back to finishing our side work! Laugh out Loud! (that's how cats and dogs does)

Just a thought: 

Nobody really achieve something when it comes to debating which is which especially when we try to reason out our own view about something, in this part, Christianity. There are wide different interpretation of God, spirituality, bible and Religion. It goes on and on and on. It never stops and no one wins!

As for my part, whether I call myself a Christian or not, It won't matte, cause I believe that God would not see me differently just because I believe of something which some people doesn't for I would never feel excluded in God's presence, I am molded with my own set of thoughts and feelings. I have my own set of functions, Same as everybody around.

Loving God, I believe that seeking for truth about our beliefs are boundless and truth always lead us back to reality and for me reality is God and if we learn how to accept and love this reality we live in then I guess that's how we can only love God.

I wasn't upset by Chris reaction to what I believe in,He has the right to feel and think whatever He wants, cause same as me, His own belief is his belief and that what makes him who He is. A unique individual whom God created and loved :)

An Embodiment Of A Flourished Soul

As I was walking towards Lola Meding, I was quite surprise to see the changes on her physical body. She looked delicately skinnier, so different since the last time I saw her.

I was dissolve on the fragility of her body as I was getting nearer to her.  I felt like crying for the deprivation of her own strength as the latter part of her life is coming to an end. Yet, when I came to rest on her lap, the radiance deep down her soul showed up, her eyes sparkled and while she was trying to figure me out of who I was, Her soul lingered through my eyes and I noticed her physical body wasn't there anymore, it was her enduring vibrant loving soul who is carrying it for her.

Picking up pieces from her ample memories that she had acquired in her entire life, she finally remembered the little glimpses of me. Her smiled brightened as the flashed back of her memories coming through her mind. Her eyes met my eyes, A familiar soul vibe connected us, her eyes beamed with joy as she was recapturing memorable moments in her life, that time, she captured partly mine but others were her accomplishments.

Her mental capacity to remember was discreetly limited due to her inadequacy as her aged body slowly dispersing in the thin air. Yet, the quality of her soul;  its strength, power and durability strike me with astonishment for it was so full of energy and spirit.

I sat beside her and because her own soul is already in control of her physical body. She became more affectionate and loving. She held my hands like I am someone special to her and there were moments as well when she grabbed my right hand to hug her and the most sweetest moment with her was when she kissed my hand three times.

I saw not the sick person but a well strong happy radiant accomplished Lola Meding. The display of her appearance and her smiling face proclaimed to me that she is ready for the lord to take her anytime. She is just in the verge of waiting patiently and acting upon by obeying still the last will of her life to be fulfilled. As always Lola's obedience to God glazed in the frailness of her physique.

Her service and love to God manifested the strength of her endurance and bravery. Her immense love of God fall upon the people around her. She devoted her entire life giving away everything she possessed so everyone will be fruitful so the children in this generation can harvest abundance of blessings she had gained from the seed that God planted on her. Her generosity gave her great amount of fortune on her soul.

She is a wealthy human being, not by the money that she possessed but by the amount of kindness, humility and unselfishness that she owned. She had prospered the lives whom she had encountered along the way that's why God granted him the richness she deserves in this life time.

As a woman, I look up to her, She compasses everything a woman should have, An obedient daughter, A caring sister, A loving wife, a nurturing mother, an affectionate grandmother, a trust-worthy friend, and a good Samaritan to her neighbors. Most importantly, her unwavering devotion and loyalty to God. She carried all these qualities throughout her life and as far as herself, Lola has it all! A true woman of faith and a true warrior.

I see the graces of God in Lola's life. Her tree had been watered properly with proper amount of hard work and her fidelity to God and She is now picking up the  fruits of her labor. With that said,  Lola have been loved and treasured by so many, Everyone wants a piece of  her sweet precious fruit because not only it fulfill your hunger of wisdom but it will also bless you.

I am pretty sure God is so happy that she created Lola for she did a great job of completing her life as how she is supposed to live her life. Lola gave God straight A's. For now, I see Lola in the rail gate of heaven, like a little girl waiting for her gift to be opened. Anticipating and musing outside patiently and super excited for the gate to finally open. Though the gate of heaven is not opening for her yet but I'm sure in God's right time, there would be feast waiting for her! It's gonna be a fabulous "welcome back" celebration in heaven and I'm self-assured that its God himself who will pick her up from the Gate.

And Then It Led Me To You

A sudden familiar stomach pain hit me when I was in the middle of the mass. Having this irregular in and out pain for years, I already know what to expect from me.

"Oh lord not at this moment please and not here...."

Panicked had aroused in me, as if the time walk by inches, and I get to feel slowly the increase commotion of pain inside my stomach. The twinge of discomfort bothered me, Consciously. It was rising on my physical sphere. I tried fighting it and putting some positive thoughts in my head, but it didn't work.

The pain got more intense, and the thing is; I was at the front of the altar, and the interior of the church is wide that everybody could notice me and there wasn't much people to begin with.

"Please... help me...I don't want to embarrass myself on these people, and I don't want to ruin the mass and make them all worry about me."

We all stood up and prayed "I believe in God." I was feeling weak, tense, in so much pain and unstable. As I was trying to alleviate the outburst of a convulsion inside my stomach. I sat down but seems like it wasn't working. I couldn't properly hear the priest and anyone anymore.

When we all knelled down,

"Please help me lord, I don't want to cut this mass, and I want to receive the communion for today."

I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to spoil the mass and everybody because I knew I was going to collapse any minute. So I stood up and walked away. I was pretty sure some of them was quite concerned about me because my movement was wobbly.

I didn't care anymore, All I wanted at that moment was to get out. As I was walking away and desperately seeking for the restroom which I didn't know where, the stimulations of my body were getting worst, I was feeling numb, and my walk got heavier, and it seems like everybody around me got darker and darker. I was freaking out and frantic because I didn't know where to go, and I was fighting with all my heart not to lose my consciousness.

Until when I was about to pass out that I saw a blurry white shirt woman entered the door coming from outside and concernedly asked me If I need help.

"Where is the restroom?" It's all that came out from my mouth.

And she led me to the restroom and when I finally inside, I felt a little better. Because, I got accustomed to the pain, so I knew how to help myself alleviate it. While I was throwing up, I kept praying that

I would feel a little better so I can still receive the communion. I didn't want to get sick because I still want to finish the Catholic Mass and go to the other church to supplement myself because that morning was set for my time with God before I start working that day.

Thanks be to God, because I felt so much better even though weak, but I was still able to receive the sustenance of grace through the Eucharistic bread, and I was the last person to get it. I made it on time!

I was determined to look for the lady to say Thank You to her. I wasn't sure who to look for because when she came to me, She was blurry and unrecognizable. All I could remember was the structure of her body and the white shirt she was wearing. I knew that she was just inside the church, So I went looking for her after the mass,

But It didn't take me a while to find her. She was a middle age white woman, and she was outside the chapel giving pamphlets for the people who just came out from the mass service. So I approached her with my smiling face and asked,

"I'm sorry to bother you but where you the one who guided me to the restroom?"

And she said "yes" with a smile on her face.

"I was ready to pass out, and you came out of nowhere. Thank you so much!"

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that, but are you feeling better now?"

And I replied "Yes. I  am feeling a lot better!"

And She handed me the Pamphlet "Well, If you have time for a woman's weekend retreat, You are free to join us!"

I got excited when I read it, I want to join, but I had some concerns because I was not confident if my schedule is going to work for me cause I usually work over the weekend. Even though, I wasn't certain, but I was quite a surprise of my reply.

"Yeah Sure! I'll see you there then!"

While driving on the way to buy me coffee before I headed to the "Buckhead Church" To hear Pastor Andy Stanley (One of my fave pastor). I had some questions running through my mind.

Was that pain led me to that lady, so I could join the Retreat? Or Does God wants my presence in the retreat? Or maybe everything was just a mere coincidence?

Oh well, I took the Pamphlet aside for I don't want to over think everything.

However, God seems on wanting me to attend because I found out that my schedule worked out perfectly for me on that weekend!!!

Hence, I am pretty excited for Women's Retreat Escapade, that moment of discomfort was a blessing in disguise I could say; because I think its going to be a step forward for me to get closer with God and spend more time with him, and get to know him more! Amazingly, I'm looking forward to it.